Over The Counter
by newvida
Summary: If someone had told Brittany that she would be nose to nose with a tanned brunette on her bed she would have told them they were crazy. And that was coming from her. Yet here she was, out of breath and about to have her eyes roll back in her head as the girl in front of her pressed her palm further against the small of her back.
1. I Can See No Way

**(A/N)- First Fanfiction in a looong time, I finally broke down because I couldn't get this idea out of my head! Plus I missed writing! More to come, I hope you guys enjoy- let me know what you think! **

**Disclaimer- Unfortunately I don't own Glee, the characters or any aspect of the show itself. FOX does. Pity.**

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Chapter 1- I Can See No Way

The room she awoke to was the exact same as all the ones she had awoken to previously. Hot, muggy, and smelling of rubbing alcohol mixed with a stench of lysol. Focusing on the smell she was even able to detect a hint of starch that was more than likely coming from the scratchy sheets beneath her. The smell in every room was always the same and she was glad that she could count on some sort of consistency. She could bet that every room on this floor had the same pale blue striped wallpaper, single window, and whiteboard announcing the date as if the occupant were old and forgetful. In fact, she could almost guarantee the same for every floor. All 5 of them. Her favorite feature; however, was a large fluorescent light that hung in the middle of the room above her bed and when flipped on, she was convinced it could illuminate an entire football field if given the opportunity. She especially loved said light at 3 AM when she was happily dreaming about dolphins with unicorn horns swimming in her backyard pool.

She fiddled with her fingernail between her teeth, accidentally ripping one and wincing out loud as she shook her hand violently. Gazing down at her middle finger, she watched as a speck of blood bubbled up at the upper corner of her nail. She watched it reach its maximum height before flowing down her nail eventually resting on her cuticle. Silently, she grabbed the hem of her shirt and held it tightly around her finger. Calling it a shirt was a complete understatement as the garment didn't even have a back. She complained to her mom that she was entirely too uncomfortable with her back side being exposed every time she had to get up to use the bathroom. She smiled to herself remembering her mom's response, "No one in this hospital wants a glimpse of your butt, don't flatter yourself. Plus you have this room to yourself, they treat you like royalty." Her mother had said with a chuckle causing an annoyed 'humph' from her daughter. Regardless of if anyone wanted to see her backside, she would much rather be in her own clothes as it made her feel safer. That made her smile too. Of all places, she should feel safe here in this consistent room with blue stripes and oversized lights. But she didn't.

Loosening her grip, she pulled her finger up to her eyes pausing to turn her hand slightly to the left then slightly to the right. She smiled to herself, realizing the makeshift gown had been successful in stopping the blood flow from cascading down her finger. She heavily sighed and dropped her hand down as quickly as she had pulled her nail back initially. The sun had started pouring in through her blinds and she found the intrusion to be welcomed. It was like the sun was speaking directly to her again. The last time she spoke to the sun she asked selfishly to spare herself from sunburn as she had left her sunscreen at home while she visited the park. She was positive that the sun would be considerate and listen to her request since she spoke to him nicely, although she wasn't too happy when she went home that afternoon as red as one of those tomatoes her grandmother used to make her spend hours picking in her garden. She decided the sun must have been mad at her that day, maybe it was because she spent hours dancing in the rain only days before and the sun felt left out.

Maybe the sun was apologizing today. The intense warmth certainly felt apologetic on her face and with her eyes closed she could see bright red behind her eyelids that flashed yellow and brief periods of black when she moved her eyes to the side. She bit her cheek unconsciously as she felt her hair burn in the direct path of several streams of sun.

"Morning," the noise startled her as her heart began pounding and she clutched her chest with her left hand, leaving her bloody finger still upon her knee. " Oh dear! I scared you, I'm sorry" the woman stopped briefly. "Just making rounds, how are you feeling? Simply gorgeous morning, this..." the woman paused and replied by pointing her hand at the blinds and glittering streams of sun. "It just makes my soul all fuzzy and warm like Christmas, I completely forgot to knock."

Bringing her hand from her chest and resting it on her tummy she licked her lips before closing her eyes again. "I'm feeling okay, just accepting an apology from the sun." she finally answered.

The woman looked slightly puzzled before continuing, "My name is Mildred, but all my favorite patients call me Millie," she said with a wink. The girl opened one of her eyes and took in the lady's appearance. She was probably around 50 years old with pale white skin and black hair. The more the girl looked at her, the more she realized Millie reminded her of an old beaten up Snow White. A princess who had seen better days. She silently wondered if the woman lived alone or in some cottage in the middle of nowhere. She settled on the fact that she probably lived somewhere in a normal population- no one lives in the woods anymore. At least not on purpose.

"I know you are used to this by now, but I'm going to tell you anyways. We are going to do the usual complete work up this morning including blood and vitals. The doctor just arrived and will be starting his rounds soon too m'dear," she tapped a few keys on the portable database system before continuing. "And my most favorite question, If you could rate your pain on a scale from 1-10 where would you party baby doll?" Millie asked leaning her elbow on the swivel desk with her other fist delicately placed on her curvy hip. The girl looked at her once more, again through only one eye before she took a deep breath and tried to focus on her body and its general mood. She felt achy and nauseous but nothing too serious.

"I would say about a 3," she responded while nodding and drifting her eye closed to match her other. Again the sun started to paint sunsets beneath her eyelids and she squinted randomly trying to control the colored outbursts.

"Where's your pain, localized or general?" the nurse stepped over to the bed and began lightly prodding the girls stomach and then her side. She felt a little annoyed that the woman kept interrupting her bonding moments with the sun, even if she was only doing her job.

"General mostly, I feel like I worked out for 6 hours at the gym. Everything is just achy," the girl said, her face wrinkling up as if she was remembering the way it felt to be fatigued after a good workout.

She truthfully had never worked out a day in her life. She always had other things to worry about more than fitness and she wondered what it would be like if she could toss her worries out the window and go to a gym. Maybe they smelt like it did in here. She imagined it would smell like sweat, rubber, and lysol which would mean the two places at least had one thing in common. They attempted to be sanitary. Attempted being the key word and the girl was positive the janitor that cleaned the floors at the hospital never changed the water the entire night. That water was as black as nurse Millie's hair and it made her cringe every time she heard the slop of the mop touch the porcelain white floor. This is why she always insisted on having socks on her feet and a bottle of germ-x by her bedside at all times. No exceptions.

"Did you hear me?" Millie scratched at the girl's side bringing her out of her thoughts.

"No, sorry," the girl said sheepishly.

"Don't you apologize dear. If I were snuggled on a bed with the sun on my face, I'd be day dreaming too," the older nurse had a genuine smile spreading across her face. "I was just asking if you felt fatigued at all or nauseous?"

"Both" the girl responded quickly, opening her eyes and wincing at the way the sun made her eyes squint shut again.

The nurse made her way back to the computer and began hacking away. The sound reminded the girl of her mother. While completing school work she could always hear her mother in the next room, tapping away like a maniac. It seemed as if she was typing so fast she was worried she would forget what she was about to say. It was always amazing to hear. Kind of like music, a perfect distant melody. She turned on her side without feeling too much discomfort in an attempt to avoid the sun, which she made a mental note to apologize later for, and slowly tried to open her eyes again.

"I need to take a look at your left arm, time to get the nasty part over." She laughed while putting a blood pressure cuff on the right arm and pressing the button on the beeping machine. The nurse then straightened out the girl's left arm wiping her IV tubing with an alcohol patch. The girl watched as the nurse clamped off the flow of her IV fluids before sticking a syringe in the tube and slowly pulling back on the toggle as red crimson started to appear in the tube from her arm. She watched it snake through the tubing before ending up in the vial behind the syringe. Slowly it filled up almost at a snails pace. It reminded the girl of when she had watched her nail bubble up with blood earlier that morning.

"Only need one vial this morning, aren't you one lucky duck." the nurse was smiling while she reached over to undo the blood pressure cuff. She smelt of lavender and starch, a weird combination but the girl found it oddly soothing compared to the stench of the room itself.

"It takes so long to fill up, it's like it knows you're waiting for it to finish," the girl whispered.

"Or you're just not drinking enough fluids young lady," the nurse snapped back.

"That's what the IV bag is for, fluids. The doctor said so himself," the girl rolled her eyes. "Plus all the _'__fluids__'_ they send me are down right nasty. They probably come from that janitors slop bucket." She finished wincing as she thought of drinking that germ infested water.

"Mmhmm," the nurse mumbled through a smile as she pulled the syringe out and unclipped the tubing causing the machine to beep regularly again.

"Okay, I'll go get you something for your nausea. And I'll bring you some apple juice from the back. Would you like that..._fluid_?" the nurse suggested with a grin, her eyes beginning to glow bright blue. It was apparent that she was hoping her patient would consider finally drinking, even if it was sugary apple juice. In truth, it didn't surprise the girl at all. A modern day Snow White would totally think of something apple related. Secretly she wondered if she should accept the offer for fear that the Queen had somehow gotten a hold of it first.

"Sure. I love juice," the girl replied with a genuine smile she didn't know she had been holding back. Millie nodded as she grabbed the vial of blood and her slip of paper before exiting the room.

The girl flipped over to her back and let her eyes drift shut again. The beeping of her vitals next to her felt soothing and it almost lulled her asleep. As weird as it sounded she had no trouble sleeping or existing in a hospital room even with all the ruckus going on around her. She was used to it. She tried to think of how many times she had been in a hospital, in a room almost identical to this one but she lost count after 5. She didn't feel like lifting her hurt hand up to keep tallying up the results and she struggled to keep track in her head.

There was an odd peace that surrounded her, almost like when she went swimming every summer of her childhood and would dive to the bottom of the chlorinated water and just sit. The vibration sounds would echo in her ears and her eyes would burn as silence surrounded her. It was one of her favorite spots as a child; to just sit in utter silence, alone. Sometimes when she was in the hospital she felt that same echo enter her head. The same sense of peace filled her lungs so deeply she struggled to breathe the same way she would at the bottom of the pool.

Her stomach flipped repeatedly causing her to break instantly free from her peaceful world she had created. She sat up and brought both her hands to her forehead while she slightly leaned over wincing a little as her snagged nail caught a strand of her hair. She had been in the hospital for 4 days and so far nothing had improved. She still felt the same way she had been feeling for a few weeks. It's not that she was expecting a drastic improvement but she thought the doctors would at least be able to quiet her stomach and pain enough so she could eat. She suddenly had a fear that the Queen had already managed to tap into her water supply.

She inhaled deeply as another wave of nausea flooded her body. She felt bile in the back of her throat and swallowed quickly to keep herself composed. She knew her mother was starting to worry more than usual, especially since she had lost 15 lbs prior to being admitted last Tuesday. She opened her eyes trying not to make any sudden movements that could possibly make the nausea worse as she glanced down to her legs. Even beneath the white blanket she could tell they were skinnier than normal and she wondered how many girls wished every night before bed to wake up with skinny legs. She was definitely not one of those girls because she actually preferred her legs to not be this skinny as it made her jeans and pants fit weird. Not that it mattered now that she was in a backless gown more suited for stripping. Pantless.

"Ah ha, you're sitting up in anticipation for your juice, hm?" Millie said as she brought the cup to the girl's face. She winced a little and took the cup, smelling it briefly before hesitating and taking a tiny sip before setting it down on the bedside table.

"Tummy sick, darlin'?" the nurse had turned and was shoving a syringe of medicine within one of the ports on her patients IV. The girl always wondered why some medicines you could just insert all at once like the nurse had with the nausea medicine and some you had to divide up into increments. She remembered her strong pain relievers to be like the latter and wondered if it was because it would destroy her veins or maybe because the doctors just wanted to deprive her of pain medicine a little bit longer to see how much she could truly handle. Regardless, when she thought about the nausea medicine, she was convinced that the reason the medicine was administered so fast was because no one screws around with nausea. She had never once met a person who enjoyed the sight of vomit.

The nurse rubbed the girl's back gently before mumbling something the girl couldn't quite make out before making her way out of the room. She nearly collided with a woman almost equal in age and height but completely the opposite in appearance.

"Baby, are you okay?" the woman held a concerned expression, as she dropped all her bags in the sea blue chair in the corner of the room.

"Just the usual, I'll be fine in a few. No worries, Mom." the girl said as she kept her hands in place on her head and continued to stare into the void of the white blanket beneath her.

"Well, I certainly don't like walking in here first thing in the morning and seeing you all up and in a twist. Has the doctor been in yet, have they checked your levels?" her mom was starting to smooth out the blanket on the edge of the bed before sitting down. Her weight caused the bed to pop to life inflating and deflating to adjust the pressure of air beneath them. She looked down as if annoyed at the bed before she paused to stare at her daughter, a frown slowly forming at the edges of her lips. She wasn't sure what was worse: going through the pain and turmoil or being the one forced to watch, helpless.

"Mm, yeah like 20 minutes ago," the girl whispered, rubbing her temples with her thumbs as she waited anxiously for the nausea medicine to kick in.

"Oh, I brought you something!" her mother spoke up as if suddenly remembering and reached into her bag still residing on the chair. She wasted no time pulling out a fluffy, neon orange monster looking creature with a snaggle tooth and green eyes. "Isn't he precious! I found him at the store while I was checking out and he just screamed to me!" she said with such joy in her expression.

"Here, I bet he will help. You know you can't resist a stuffie, sweetheart," she reached over placing the creature in the girl's lap carefully, waiting for some sort of reaction from her daughter.

"Mom don't you think I'm a little old for stuffed animals? I'm almost 18," the girl said with a sigh as she finally released her hand from her head and twirled the orange fur between her fingers.

"Oh yeah, definitely." her mother laughed sarcastically. "In fact, judging from the enormous collection in your room I would definitely say that you had no use for the critters," her mother chuckled. It was true, she did have a lot of stuffed animals strewn about her room, all with unique names and personalities. Although, every time her mom had approached her about donating some of them to charity, she immediately felt guilty and worried they would think they did something wrong to cause them being shipped off somewhere new. She didn't like to think about it or how their lives might turn out as a result of her decision, so she resorted to keeping them all in her room. She didn't mind, and she was positive they didn't either.

"Thanks Mom," she managed to breathe out as she slowly maneuvered to sit up straight. She pulled the orange creature into her arms and exhaled sharply. The intensity of the nausea was beginning to subside and she couldn't tell if she had been holding her breath the entire time or if she was simply relieved.

"Ahhh, there's my girl! And to think you almost turned down a stuffie!" she chuckled as she stood up and began washing her hands in the sink near the door. "That would have been a first!" she concluded as her daughter watched the steam from the hot water bellow up in her face gracefully as if encircling her features one by one.

"The nurse brought me some apple juice, Mom" the girl suddenly said, appearing to be in perkier spirits. Her eyes were open wide for the first time that morning and she smiled a goofy smile as she took another sip. "It tastes even better when my stomach isn't trying to climb out my throat!" she smiled, still clutching the orange blob between her arm and side as she reached to place the cup back on the table.

"Have you eaten an-" her mom's voice was interrupted by a loud series of thuds on the outer door making them both jump slightly before turning to the doorway to see an elderly man in a white coat peering inside.

"Hope everyone is feeling chipper this morning! Especially you young lady, how's the pain level?" he asked flipping through page after page within the girl's chart.

"About a 3, same as it was this morning when the nurse asked me," the girl slowly took another sip of her juice. She didn't know if it was the nausea medicine or the apple juice that had suddenly made her feel more like herself but regardless, she was happy to be sitting up and mainly pain free. She almost felt normal.

"That's amazing! Of course our ideal number is zero but I'll take a 3 over a 10 any day, wouldn't you?" he said with a smile before pressing some buttons on her IV pump and scribbling notes on a sheet of paper. His nose was slightly crooked and his eyes showed a lot of wisdom that made the girl feel overwhelmingly safe when he was present. "We got your results back from your blood work this morning. You're levels are flatlining and haven't improved as much as we would have hoped by this point. You're cortisol levels are low again and so is your sodium level. All typical and nothing to be too concerned about; however, it is contributing to your increase in symptoms and your inability to keep food down. I'm going to send you down today for a CT scan just to be certain that there are no blockages or any other underlying root causes for all this. I feel like we are just dealing with the usual antics here, but like I said I just want to check all the paths before we cross that final bridge." He scratched his hair and pushed his thick black framed glasses up on the bridge of his nose.

The girl looked up at him still in the same bubbly mood as before. She discovered a while ago that it was best to tune herself out when the doctor was speaking about her condition. It wasn't that she wasn't interested, it was more so that it was always the same speech and the same discussion which she grew tired of hearing and predicting which way the doctor would take it. Her mom made up for it completely and asked a million questions each time as if this was the first she had ever heard words such as cortisol or CT. She watched her mom gesturing with her hands but heard the same silent echo within her that was so familiar and so welcomed. She blinked slowly a couple of times before noticing the dryness in the roof of her mouth and with a grimace she stretched out to reach for her apple juice. The cold liquid slithered its way down her throat and she felt it tickle the top of her stomach before disappearing. The tickle was always one of her favorite feelings and it made a smile appear slowly across her face. Feeling embarrassed, she quickly pulled the orange animal up over her lips to hide her grin before anyone noticed.

"-course we can't be 100 percent until we get the latest scans back, but our main goal now is to get her levels under control by adjusting her medications and getting her pain free." The doctor looked down and grinned at the girl curled up on the bed. He had been her physician for 6 years and she still had that childlike quality that flooded him with each visit. "We need to get you home so you can finish school," he chuckled.

School. He said it like she was actually missing important classes or that her teachers and other friends were wondering when she would return. She could barely remember what it was like to attend a real school. There was a school a couple of blocks away from her house that she attended when she was in her elementary years; however, when she started missing days here and there her mother decided out of the blue that she had _always_ wanted to be a teacher and took her daughter on as a guinea pig. The girl didn't mind being home schooled, especially after her diagnosis, but she did wonder what it would be like to be around kids her age and be able to make friends in a normal way without her parents around. She settled with the thought that she missed the_idea_of school more than actually _attending_ school as she took another sip of her juice silently.

When she came out of her fog to put the cup down she was surprised to find the conversation in front of her had ended and noticed the coat tail of the doctor flapping behind him as he made his way to the door. "Wait!" she blurted out, confusing herself for a second as to why she had called his attention.

He turned around quickly on his heel and smiled genuinely down at her while tapping the top of his pen repeatedly, his eyebrows raised wrinkling his forehead. His white hair was reflecting the bright lights that blared from the ceiling and his age spots were more noticeable suddenly as well. "W-when do you think I'll be able to eat again?" she managed to get out "I don't want to have one of those things that feed me, it creeps me out."

"As I just told you," he licked the outer edges of his lips as he stopped clicking his pen cap. "We will try a liquid diet today and if you can manage to keep it down we will gradually increase your intake. If you can't get food down by tomorrow night, we will be forced to order a feeding tube as you are already approaching dangerous vitamin levels. We don't need to mess up those figures too as we will bring on a host of other problems we don't want to have on our plate." He was stern when he spoke and it made a chill run through the girl's spine. She knew he was just trying to be honest about the seriousness of her condition, but she still felt a little taken back by his tone.

She nodded and snuggled back into the sea of orange fur silently and watched the doctor nod to her mother before exiting the room.

She glanced at her mother and noticed a gleam of fear in her eyes before it disappeared as quickly as it came. She wanted to ask her mom if everything would sort out like it usually did or if this time it was worse but she was too afraid of the answer to actually have the courage to ask.

"Well don't just lay there, what are you going to name that fellow?" her mom began dusting off her shirt as if crumbs or particles magically appeared before her.

The girl looked down at the snaggle tooth smile squished between her arms and felt confused. Normally she just picked whatever name popped into her head first but this time was different, this time nothing popped into her head at all. She wasn't sure what scared her more, the fact that she couldn't name the first stuffed animal of her life or the fact that there was nothing going on in her head. Both were equally terrifying. She was still for a moment and felt her heart throb against her ribcage as she realized she had no thoughts. There was nothing but silence around her and more importantly, there was a deafening silence within her that she couldn't stop.

* * *

Lunch had been sitting in front of her for nearly an hour. She was trying her hardest to get in the mindset to eat the food on the plate but her body kept sending her signals that if she so much as lifted any utensil, it would be hell on earth. Her mother sat across from her with a deep crease between her eyebrows as she stared into the girl's eyes. It wasn't a matter of whether the girl wanted to eat or not- nor had it ever been about want or desire for that matter. If it were up to that she was convinced she would weigh in at 800 lbs as she adored all types of food and, if her body allowed it, she would sit on the couch all day while watching cartoons and stuff her face. Her body always seemed to have other ideas and each time she would attempt to reach for the fork she felt her stomach flip and turn making her retreat her hand back in defeat.

Her tray was neutral and bare with only a bowl of chicken broth, warm tea, a small container of yellow jello and a cup of water with a tiny packet of lemon juice residing on it. It hardly looked delicious but she was damned if she was going to have one of those tubes shoved up her nose and go God only knows where. It probably deposited in her brain for all people knew.

She reached out with a determined glance toward her mother who sat silently in the exact same position as before. Her face seemed frozen. The girl lifted up the plastic bowl and placed it to her lips before slowly swallowing the brown liquid. She didn't particularly like the taste of broth as it reminded her of all the times she visited her grandfather in the nursing home when she found herself holding her nose each time he pulled her towards his chest. The thought nearly made her choke but she forced herself to drink the last of the broth before popping one of the squares of yellow jello into her mouth and swishing it back and forth between her teeth turning it into a liquid before swallowing.

"This stuff is so gross," she said gulping her tea and pouting towards her mom.

"Just eat it Honey and more importantly focus on keeping it down for Heaven's sake," her mother winced while shaking her head as if imagining the alternative.

The girl popped another cube of jello in her mouth before looking through the blinds and out into the real world that existed just beyond her grasp. She doubted that world would ever be hers to enjoy and she was surprisingly fine with that, it wasn't like she knew what she was missing. She felt oddly at peace with how her life had planned out and despite these moments with nasty chicken broth she was grateful for her world.

Right as she was nearly done with her lunch, a sudden twinge of pain shot up from the girl's abdomen as she swallowed the last of the jello before clutching her side in an attempt to cease the pain. "Uh oh" she exhaled slowly, squinting her eyes shut as nausea overwhelmed her and she eased herself back onto the bed. Her mother was up in a second wiping a strand of hair from her face and mumbling a bunch of words the girl couldn't understand.

_You__can__do__this__. __You__can__do__this__. __It__'__s__just__a__little__liquid__. __You__can__do__it__. _

She told herself over and over in her head as if her body could listen and respond from a little ego boost. "Mom, I don't think I can make it. I'm gonna be sick," she stated flatly a little ashamed of herself. Her mother's eyes went weak as she looked upon her daughter knowing what it would mean for her. She began humming aimlessly as she didn't know what else to do when she felt so out of control and helpless watching her daughter suffer.

The girl was breathing heavily while her eyes squeezed tightly shut trying to will her body to keep it down, to let the food nourish her body. Maybe it was all the stress too? Maybe it was everything all at once? She didn't know but she felt herself begin to panic which definitely didn't help the situation. Immediately her body began to heave and she felt her stomach start convulsing. She sat up abruptly nearly knocking her mother over as she jumped off the bed, not even bothering to put the socks on that were set out at the foot of her bed. She scrambled to the bathroom before stopping in front of the toilet. She knelt down and looked up, willing whoever was protecting her to keep her from being sick. Her body was sore and her vision was beginning to go blurry as she began staring at the water beneath her. She didn't want to give in as that would mean failure, her disease would win again and she hated being the loser.

After a period of silence, the girl heard a faint whisper, "Baby, don't hold it, you can't help this." Her mother stood in the doorway looking at her daughter kneeling broken on the floor, "it's okay."

As if that was what she needed to hear, the girl let go of everything she had been holding back. The fear, anxiety, and worry came out as she heaved in the bathroom with her complete backside exposed to her mother and God knows who else. Her body seemed violent, angry and determined to make her pay for what she had done and with each convulsion she felt the pain rip through her body as the smell of lysol enveloped her nose and her vision went too blurry for her to care.

* * *

"I'm going to be stuck in here forever!" the girl pouted as she flicked through the channels of the TV for something she found slightly entertaining but so far she had found nothing that spiked her interest.

"Ah dear, you'll be out of here in no time just like usual," her mother sat flipping through a magazine at the foot of the bed. It was getting dark outside and it had been several hours since the girl had christened the bathroom with that God forsaken chicken broth at lunch. Millie had come in shortly after the explosion and loaded her up on pain meds, another round of nausea meds, and her normal prescribed regimen before letting her know that she was heading home and some other nurse would come introduce herself. No one had been in the room since and the girl was getting very frustrated and bored with only herself and her mother as entertainment.

She had always been known as the happy, sweet girl who never let anything bring a frown to her face but lately she found herself so eager to eat and have energy that she was pouting more than usual. She found a cartoon station and threw the remote at the foot of the bed nearly hitting her mother in the process before pulling the covers up around her neck as she leaned into the orange fluffy creature at her side. .

"Honey, I know you are upset about earlier, but you'll try again tonight. I know you can do it," she whispered the last part almost as if she was reassuring herself more than she was her daughter.

"I'm fine, Mom. Really," the girl responded as she grabbed the orange fur ball and tucked it under her head and focused her eyes on the television. "I have an idea, why don't we check with the doctors and see if you can eat outside on the sundeck tonight? Wouldn't that be great?" her mother's enthusiasm was contagious and the girl found her mouth begin to curl up in a smile.

"Sure" she snuggled her mouth back underneath the bleached blanket effectively hiding her smile as her mother wasted no time exiting the room to approach the nurses station.

The entire time her mother was gone, which felt like 30 minutes but it was probably only 5 or 10, she thought of having to get a tube shoved up her nose. She envisioned her brain getting pumped full of white liquid by mistake and her stomach being pissed and trying to climb up her throat to get some. The rest of the time she spent wondering what kind of medicine she was on to make her have such crazy thoughts about her internal organs before deciding that maybe she was just really imaginative or maybe it was a combination of both.

"Well!" her mom barged in the room slightly out of breath, "What an ordeal that was, I swear you'd think they run a zoo with the way they keep all their patients caged in like wild animals!" She fanned herself briefly and rolled her eyes before sliding down in her chair.

"They finally agreed because I kept insisting it was the only way you would possibly keep your food down. I also told them that at least this way if you got sick they wouldn't have to spend an hour decontaminating your room because it would be all over the sundeck," she said with a smirk.

"Gross, Mom," the girl cringed before changing her positions with ease as she smiled realizing that the pain medicine was helping tremendously. When she had gone earlier in the day for her CT scan she had struggled to lay still on the hard board during the 20 min scan. Her body ached and she felt so heavy she couldn't move to feel more comfortable even if she wanted to. Luckily it was soon after that when she received the pain medicine and she had spent the majority of the afternoon with the ability to move whenever she felt like it, which was a rare but welcomed occurrence.

"Health Services," a male voice announced from the doorway as he carried in a beige tray with nothing but beige bowls resting on top in an unorganized manner. "Enjoy" he said before turning to leave the room. The girl detected a hint of sarcasm in his tone and rolled her eyes, sighing deeply as she stared at the tray before her and felt panic rise up in her abdomen at the thought of repeating earlier.

"Oh yay," her mother was already hopping up and sticking her head out of the door to call one of the nurses into her room. "My daughter has been given permission to eat up on the sundeck, we just need to get her situated in a wheelchair and we can be on our way!" Her mom sounded so excited as if she was about to do something really big with her daughter like going to get a pedicure before prom or pictures before a wedding. The girl didn't know if it made her happy or sad that her mom was so excited.

The nurse helped the girl into the wheelchair and attached her IV pole to the side before placing the tray in her lap while rattling off instructions to her mother at a rate the girl couldn't pick up on easily. The girl realized that the nurse had never introduced herself until now and even then she didn't know the woman's name nor did she really care to. The chair started abruptly as her mother began weaving her down this hallway and down the next before stopping at the elevator and pushing the button.

"I don't know about you but I am totally psyched," her mom began tickling the girl's shoulder.

"Me too," the girl eventually got out a little hesitantly. She was not looking forward to eating but she was glad to be out of her room.

In what seemed like no time at all, they were outside on the edge of the sundeck parked closest to the girl's favorite fountain. There were 4 lights within the water that changed colors by the second, illuminating the fountain in shades of blue, green, purple, and pink. It was a nice contrast to the black sky that blanketed out over the horizon and the sound of the crashing water seemed to sooth any nerves the girl had been trying to keep hidden. She almost forgot about the hospital, the nausea, and her hatred for her backless gown until her mom opened the lids of all her dishes in one quick motion. She sighed and shoved her tray away nearly knocking it off her lap in the process.

"I can't, I don't want to get sick here. This place is my favorite, and it's beautiful," she whispered with a hint of a tear in the corner of her eyes.

"You have to, you heard what the doctor said and you know the alternative. I don't want to see you like that, do you understand? Now, sit up and try to get this stuff down and keep it there," her mother's eyes pierced the air between them. Her tone had gone from overjoyed to stern in a matter of seconds and the girl seemed hurt yet at the same time unphased.

"No!" the girl pushed the tray again to the point that her mom had to collect it before it fell to the ground. "Just leave me alone," it was almost inaudible and her mother had to strain to be sure she heard her daughter correctly. It hurt to say the words to her mother but she felt like she was about to suffocate and she wanted a few minutes to herself to just stare into oblivion and enjoy her favorite spot before it too became ruined.

With a thud her mom placed the tray on the table next to them and walked off abruptly back into the hospital without so much as a backward glance or any hesitation. The girl stared into the fountain again as her eyes glazed over and she felt the familiar sting announcing the presence of tears.

It wasn't that she cared that she was sick, it was more so that she was tired of being sick so frequently. It seemed like there was always something wrong or some doctor to visit or some medicine to take. She took a deep breath staring at the tray next to her and gulped back air and the taste of bile as she realized she wouldn't be able to eat it. This time tomorrow she would have a tube up her nose. The thought made her head spin and she gripped the sides of her wheelchair while silently being grateful that the deck wasn't as crowded as usual. She hated bringing attention to herself, especially in such an emotional state.

She closed her eyes and felt the night air hit her face and leave her skin tingling in its wake as she tried to slow her breathing to match the waves of sound created by the water. It hadn't taken her long to calm herself down before she was trying to think of a name for the creature within her grasp. "Barnaby" she whispered but immediately stuck her tongue out in disgust. "Flan-" she was stopped abruptly by a loud crash behind her making her whip her head around to look towards the back of the sundeck.

A girl who seemed to be around the same age as herself had stormed onto the deck knocking over several chairs in the process. It was too dark to notice much of anything else as shadows danced on the walls behind the mysterious girl. "WHAT is everyone staring at...haven't you seen someone make an ass out of themselves before? Was it that enjoyable, do you need an encore?" she snapped, throwing her hands in the air. The girl could make out people trying to make their way inside or at least away from the disgruntled teen as she felt a spray of water hit her back carried by a gust of wind. She felt her hatred for the gown increase as she pulled the gap shut causing her elbow to hit her tray as it fell to the ground. Silence filled the air around her once again as she looked from the tray to the few people left on the sundeck. "Damn, I started a trend," the familiar sound of the loud girl's voice echoed behind her as she tried to reach for the tray that had landed by her feet.

"Ugh, hospitals. I hate being in this damn place, it does things to a person, " the raspy voice spoke from behind her and sounded to be fairly close in distance. The girl was too nervous to respond so instead she sat up and remained quiet hoping the silence would encourage the female to simply walk away to find someone else to bark nonsense to.

The girl turned slightly in her wheelchair and saw a dark shadow a couple of feet behind her with its arms folded tightly across its chest. She was positive she herself looked like a shadow as well but couldn't help her curiosity and her desire to stare. "Hold up, is there a reason you think it's okay to stare at me like I'm in a fishbowl?" her voice broke through the silence causing the girl to snap her head back to the fountain quicker than she knew was possible. The colors changed more times than she could count as her heart raced within her chest. She wanted to look to see if the girl was still behind her but she was afraid that she would be yelled at if she was in fact still sulking in her ominous shadow.

"Don't think I'm over you copying my loud disruption or the fact that you treated me like I was on display at some lame museum, cause I'm totally not. But... I will admit you have found the best spot in this damn hospital, this fountain kinda has a way of calming you down," the shadow replied with a heavy sigh that she seemed to have been holding for a while. There was a long silence and nothing else was said for what seemed like forever. Almost silently and nearly unnoticed the girl walked and sat at the table where a tray of food once sat. "If you see some spanish lady burst out here yelling in Spanish, pretend I'm not here would ya? I'll dive into the fountain," she sniffled before she finally looked up making eye contact with the girl in the wheelchair for the first time. For a moment or maybe more everything seemed eerily quiet, the crashing sound of the fountain seemed lost as the vibrant colors danced across both girls faces. Deep brown eyes met bright blue for a period in which neither seemed to be able to look away before the two exchanged chuckles and finally averted their gaze.

"Why are you hiding, and did you do all that on purpose?" the patient quietly spoke waving behind her as she tucked a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear. The Latina looked up and a small smirk played at the corner of her lips. "Excuse me, do I know you?" she said as she placed her hand underneath her chin and rested her head while staring at the girl before her. The stranger's hair was black, but it wasn't like nurse Snow White's. No, it was smooth, silky and cascaded down the girl's back in soft curls. Immediately the blonde felt inferior and embarrassed for speaking to the girl about such an intimate topic without even knowing her. She reached down to cover herself with the blanket that was sprawled on her lap before glancing back up only to find the same brown eyes staring back at her. She felt her stomach flip and for a second she questioned whether it was with nausea or fear that the girl in front of her was angry again. She reached down and flicked the snaggle tooth hanging out of the unnamed creatures mouth. She didn't know why but she couldn't help the smile that automatically started forming on her face and she tried to stop it but it continued without her permission.

"How about I start? It's real easy, watch" the girl's voice broke the air when she began by flipping a ringlet behind her shoulder as she leaned a little with her elbows on the table inspecting the tray on the ground before grimacing. "My name's Santana annnd whatever _that_was...it doesn't look edible. You were right to copy my rage and toss it to the ground," she gestured to the tray. A small chuckle made its way from the lips of the blonde as she felt her body tingle with nerves.

"It was supposed to be my dinner," she pointed a finger down her throat and made a gagging face. "Before the rage, obviously," the other girl smirked. The blonde didn't look up but continued looking down at her hands for a period of time as an unknown feeling began rising in the pit of her stomach. She glanced up at the girl opposite of her before taking a deep breath "I'm Brittany."


	2. You Seem So Strong

Chapter 2- You Seem So Strong

The fountain's colors seemed to be changing rapidly as if it was timing itself with Brittany's beating heart; she silently wished them both to slow down. She wasn't sure what was worse, having her heart beating so loudly she felt like the elderly in the cafeteria could hear it or the fact that it was so eerily silent on the sundeck she was positive the girl in front of her could. Either way she silently begged her heart to calm down, after all, she was only introducing herself and normal people do that all the time.

Minutes past and no words had been spoken as the two sat in silence shifting their eyes from the fountain- to the tray- each other- then back to the fountain. Brittany began fiddling with the hair on the orange furball as she let herself panic a little. She could have sworn she introduced herself to the girl but after being in such silence she couldn't remember if she dreamt it or not. What if the girl thought she was rude because she didn't respond? Before Brittany could think it over any longer her body acted on its own as she jolted upright and announced again, "I'm Brittany."

The Latina stopped staring at the fountain before slowly turning her head to the blonde in disbelief. She paused to take in the girl's appearance but it was too difficult to make out the tiny details in the darkness.

"I hate to break it to you but you do realize you already said that...don't you?" Santana turned to face back towards the fountain, "or are you one of _those_ patients?" she said making quotation marks in the air, her voice held a hint of a smirk.

Brittany took a quick glance over her shoulder to see who she was being compared to but only found an empty sundeck with shadows making elegant dance routines on the walls. Her brow furrowed as she clutched harder onto the orange fluff pulling her blankets up further while staring at the Latina, "I don't see any patients around here."

Santana whipped her head towards Brittany again, this time squinting her eyes as she tried to decipher what was going on in the girls head. Maybe she really was psycho. She felt her stomach do a flip but not the same kind it did when she first ran into the blonde, the bad kind. When Brittany finally glanced up from her lap, their eyes finally connected for the second time as Santana stared intently trying to figure the girl out. Growing up in Lima Heights, Santana had become a pro at weeding out the crazies. She could call a lunatic from a mile away just by seeing a certain glare in their eye or falter in their step. Looking into the blonde's eyes, she was surprised to find no hint of the classic glare she was used to while walking the streets of her neighborhood. Instead the girl had the most innocent captivating eyes the Latina had ever seen and she struggled to break eye contact as the intensity was making her uncomfortable. Brittany could feel the thickness of the air around her as she grew uneasy under Santana's glare before breaking eye contact and slowly looking down to her hands.

"What's that you keep holding?" Santana reached over and pulled the orange creature away from Brittany's side before the girl had any hopes of objecting. " It looks like a mutant zombie got freaky with a creamsicle and had this-thing- as it's kid." She pulled out a strand of his neon orange hair before blowing it towards the blonde. Brittany pouted, clearly annoyed.

"That doesn't even make sense, who would be the dad?" she snatched the creature back smoothing his hair down around his head before placing him on her lap.

"Isn't it obvious? The creamsicle..." she paused looking at Brittany but being careful to not make the mistake of getting lost in her eyes again. A smile curled up at the corner of the blonde's mouth which soon led into a full on grin.

"They have cream inside them," Brittany said with a smirk before she shifted in her seat hoping the shadows were covering the slight blush to her cheeks.

"Wanky," the brunette laughed and looked down at the creature again and then back up failing to keep herself from making eye contact. "So there _is_ some spunk in there somewhere. Yousmust be lyin to all those around you, I get it" she rolled her eyes while smiling a full smile eliciting a smile in return from the girl in front of her.

"So why are you up in here, anyway...you seem fine to me," she moved to put her elbows on the table behind her as she positioned her head to look straight up at the sky admiring the stars.

"Uhm, Do I know you?" Brittany retorted quickly her face unable to hide the enjoyment she got from throwing something the brunette said back in her direction.

Santana's eyes slowly closed as a goofy grin came over her face and she chuckled, "Damn, it's a cold game." She could hear Brittany letting a giggle slip past her lips and she smiled at how much she was enjoying the personality that seemed to seep from the girl the longer they talked.

"My Uncle's in here," she sighed. "Bendito," she leaned off the table and rested her elbows on her knees, hanging her head between her legs. "I've never really been to a hospital much before this, and I swear it's gonna drive me into a permanent residency in the mental ward."

Brittany took a deep breath in and noticed how her breath nearly matched the girls in front of her. She nervously pulled at the eye of the monster while biting on her lower lip, "Why is he here? Your Uncle I mean." She somehow managed to find her voice even though it sounded small.

"Emphysema and COPD," the girl breathed out without lifting her head or moving in the slightest. "He's had it for as long as I can remember, but he's suddenly gotten a lot worse. And..." She lifted her head up and looked back at the fountain, "here we are."

"I'm sorry he's sick" Brittany quietly reached over and slowly placed her stuffie gently in Santana's lap before pulling back and gripping her blanket to her chest with a smile. " I know hospitals can be a scary place especially with the smell and noises, but it's the best place to be when you're really sick. Plus, it's not so bad if you have something to cling to," she motioned to the orange blob "It kind of grounds you to reality- the idea that there is something more outside these walls, something that reminds you that this...place...is only temporary. "

Santana quietly rubbed her thumb over the orange fur before turning in her chair to rest her arms on the table in front of the blonde. She wasn't sure what it was about the girl in front of her but she felt lost in every word she spoke, whether it made sense or not. In fact, when the girl actually spoke for more than a second, the Latina found it hard to focus on anything else. She welcomed the distraction and instead of trying to avoid the captivating eyes that seemed to glow in the dark, she stared right into them. For a moment, she questioned whether she was truly staring into Brittany's eyes or something more, something deeper. The thought made the brunette's stomach flutter causing her to gasp a little nervously as she fondled with the orange fur to keep her hands from grabbing her stomach.

"I'm having trouble eating, " the blonde whispered easing the tension. "No matter what I do, nothing will stay down and the doctors are discussing giving me a..a..they are discussing alternatives," the pain in the girl's voice was apparent as Santana noticed the girl's face mold into a sad expression.

Santana couldn't imagine being locked up in a place like this, forced to sit in one of those smelly rooms and watch soap operas all day. She gagged a little thinking of even touching the nasty food much less eating it. She felt sorry for the girl in front of her and at the same time she disliked that she had to even experience it. For a moment Santana mentally slapped herself for remotely caring about anyone...much less a girl she barely knew. Yet as she stroked the black fuzzy eyebrow on the ball of fluff she couldn't help the sadness that overtook her.

Brittany met Santana's gaze and felt her stomach twist a little, her anxiety level peaking at the thought of possibly having to get sick in front of the brunette. A moment passed and when the feeling never came she grew confused as to what the feeling was gnawing inside the pit of her abdomen. When she finally had the courage to look up, she found the Latina's eyes piercing the space between them and she suddenly found herself unable to look away. Normally Brittany found brown eyes to be a little scary as she didn't like that you couldn't easily see the person's pupil, but while studying Santana, she couldn't help but think that she had been wrong all along. She was convinced that the bronze glazed eyes in front of her held a lot more than the brunette was willing to let anyone discover.

"Don't they have nausea medicine for that?" Santana finally broke eye contact before reaching to place the orange creature back in front of Brittany but before she could slide it over, Brittany's hand stopped her, "You keep him, it seems like you need something to cling to more than I do right now." She shoved the animal back across the table her fingertips gracing the tops of Santana's knuckles.

Santana's breath caught in her chest for a brief moment before she smiled and looked up at the blonde. "You didn't ans-" she was interrupted by the sound of the sliding doors opening as an elderly woman came crashing through with her hands stacked on her hips.

"There you are Mija! No te puedo creer, salir corriendo de esta manera! Se marcharán el trasero de nuevo en el hospital y pedir disculpas a su tío!" The woman spoke so fast it all sounded as if it were one big word to Brittany and she suddenly felt like she was intruding on a very personal moment.

Santana and the woman bantered back and forth for what seemed like ages as Brittany sat frozen in her chair watching them with wide eyes. She silently wished for her mother to appear, so she could wheel her away from the awkward scene before her, but she immediately took the wish back not wanting to leave the sacred area where she actually had a friend.

"I should have just jumped in the fountain like originally planned," Santana smirked as they watched the woman retreat back into the hospital.

"I have to go," the girl continued quietly glancing down before returning her eyes to meet a sea of blue.

Brittany struggled to find words, any words to say but it was as if her voice refused to be heard. "Ok," she managed to choke out as she tried to distract herself by leaning down and picking up the variety of bowls scattered at her feet. She had never been good at goodbyes.

"Will you be here tomorrow, I think we are coming to visit my uncle again," the brunette grunted thinking about returning to the nasty hospital and felt a shiver run through her body at the thought.

"Probably, but I'm not sure if I'll be at the fountain when you're here. I think I am coming on the sundeck for lunch instead of dinner tomorrow," she quickly said, suddenly worrying about the girl in front of her seeing her with a tube shoved to her brain.

"Okay, well maybe i'll see you again then," Santana said as she stood up and held the stuffed animal to her side pausing briefly in front of the blonde.

"Mmm, maybe," Brittany gave a small smile before moving her eyes back towards the fountain in front of her, trying to act like the possibility of not seeing the Latina again didn't upset her.

Santana didn't know what to say or how to end it. Walking away seemed so callous yet saying a formal goodbye meant they were friends. Why did she even care? She never cared what people thought before. She rolled her eyes at her own internal battles before starting to walk off quietly.

"Thanks for the uhm...Cling?" she held up the animal and shrugged as she walked through the sliding doors and disappeared into the light.

Brittany held a toothy grin as she snuggled beneath her blanket and felt the spray of the fountain on her cheeks, a result of the wind picking up speed. She felt extra happy regardless of the fact that she was now alone on the sundeck, and she suddenly felt the urge to throw her tray across the fountain -out of joy not misery- but ultimately refrained having just picked up her mess. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the sliding glass door; she whipped her head around wondering what the Latina forgot but was met instead with the face of her mother looking tired and worn down. Brittany wondered if the woman had been crying as her eyes seemed to have puffy bags beneath them that hadn't been there earlier.

"Are you ready to go back to your room, Sweetheart," her mother approached the wheelchair and pulled a little from behind.

"Mmm," Brittany lifted her feet off the ground and pulled her blanket up silently before continuing, "I'm sorry" she mumbled, but she wasn't sure if her mom could hear her as her voice was barely above a whisper.

The wheelchair slowly stopped but only for a few seconds before continuing forward again, "me too," she heard softly from above as she felt her mother kiss the top of her head.

She watched as she passed several nurse stations and other familiar patients being maneuvered down the hall, wondering if they could tell that there was something different about her. Maybe they could tell by her goofy smile or the way she fidgeted within her chair. She shrugged and nodded to herself, feeling confident that there was definitely something different about her. She could feel it. She slowly breathed out before trying to hide her smile but was unsuccessful. She, Brittany S. Pierce, on her own and without any complications... made a friend.

* * *

Today was the day that had been on Brittany's mind ever since that Norman Rockwell doctor had come into her room and suggested violating her with that clear plastic tube. It was happening today whether she herself liked it or not because no food had been successful at staying in her stomach. Her aunt came by earlier this morning and dropped off her favorite banana pudding that she had made from scratch, hoping that if it was something Brittany adored she would be able to keep it down. Safe to say she never, ever wanted to go near a banana again and the thought of a vanilla wafer nearly sent her gagging to the bathroom on its own.

She was beneath the scratchy sheets again, only this time she felt a little comforted by their usual smell. The nurse had changed all her linens yesterday while she was out of her room and the smell was more potent than usual as it filled her nose. Her eyes fell to the blinds that were barely open at the far side of her room and she squinted her eyes trying to see what kind of day was occurring in the outside world. All she could make out were the heat waves that rose up from the concrete of the nearby electrical storage shed for the hospital. She closed her eyes as her mind drifted to the Latina and the strange encounter they had shared as she wasn't really sure what to make of it. She felt that strange feeling in the pit of her stomach again as she leaned on her side snuggling her nose deep into the pillow.

She had thought only about the Latina and a tube in her nose since she left the sundeck last night and both thoughts continued to take turns occupying her brain. She wasn't sure whether to consider Santana a friend or not but she smiled when she pictured the girl's chocolate brown eyes in her head. The thought of possibly making a friend outside of some weird homeschool social group is what Brittany loved the most, it seemed normal.

But what most crossed her mind in the hours since returning from the sundeck was the fact that it was very likely that she could never see the brunette again. Whenever she thought of that possibility she was forced to take an extra deep breath to prevent herself from getting this tight feeling within her chest. She tried to avoid that thought as much as she could and despite worrying, she felt excited for lunch to arrive and for the possibility of talking to the girl again.

With her mom gone, she got added to the nurses 'lunch out' list and was included in the line up to go to the sundeck with one nurse and 3 other patients. The nurse struggled to push Brittany and another patient in a wheelchair down the narrow corridors of the old hospital, taking twice as long to reach the sundeck as it would have if she had only been guiding one. After announcing that the group had an hour, the nurse slowly parked Brittany towards the back, next to a row of vibrant yellow flowers and with a distant view of the fountain. Normally she would be upset that she wasn't parked in her usual spot, but it was rare that she visited the fountain during the day and she didn't mind sitting in the sun with the fragrance of flowers surrounding her.

She wasn't sure how much time had past but her food remained untouched in her lap and she was positive her body was turning into bacon from being in the direct sunlight. There had been no sign of the Latina or anyone else for that matter and she had been forced to listen to the antics of the two wandering patients that kept coming over asking for her soup. She rolled her eyes as she heard the nurse announce that they had 10 more minutes to finish up what was left of their food before they had to go back upstairs.

Brittany suddenly felt a cold rush hit her stomach as if the air had been knocked out of her and she shivered a little as she stared at the tray in her lap. She must have really made a fool out of herself last night and she felt silly for being excited this morning when she knew the possibility was high that she wouldn't see the Latina again. She frowned when she remembered the present from her mom and suddenly she wasn't sure what she would miss more, the comfort of clinging onto something that was always there or the depth of the brunettes eyes when she stared at her across the table. For the first time in her life she dismissed the idea of the stuffed animal and took a deep breath trying to picture the girl in her head. She struggled.

_Well, I almost had a friend.. almost. _She clenched her eyes shut before she felt a familiar sting press against the back of her eye lids. The sun was trying to create those paintings beneath them again but she could care less as she lifted her hands up, wiping her eyes before tears forced their way through.

"Alright, folks" the nurse had one hand in the air and was waving towards herself with the other "time to make our way back to the floor." The other woman in the wheelchair who looked to be in her 40's was already parked next to the sliding doors and the two ambulatory patients were soon by her side, clutching their IV poles.

The nurse dumped Brittany's tray before positioning her next to the older woman. Brittany noticed that she was all dolled up as if she was going to some kind of formal party with her hair freshly curled and her makeup applied heavily. The woman had a thick necklace hanging around her neck and a bracelet that matched snugged on her wrist next to her ID bands. Brittany admired her. Most of the patients, herself included, let being in a hospital effect them to the point where no one cared what they looked like. She wondered if that secretly added to how badly you felt since there was no doubt you were aware that you looked like crap.

The nurse struggled to push both wheelchairs up and through the sliding doors but managed to get it after a few tries. With the other patients walking in front of her, Brittany tried to focus on the way the man in front of her had a slight limp that wobbled with each step instead of focusing on her tight chest. She started thinking about what it would feel like to get the procedure that afternoon and winced at the thought of feeling a tube slide through her body. Her stomach immediately got queasy but not in the good way like it had numerous times the night before around the Latina, this was in the bad way like whenever she thought about banana pudding.

She felt the chair jerk suddenly as she realized the nurse had wheeled her slightly into the wall before she let out an annoyed sigh. The hospital really needed to get more staff as this was borderline ridiculous especially when she just wanted to crawl into her bed and close her blinds. She hoped the sun wouldn't be too upset with her, she would hate to have a feeding tube _and _sunburn when she woke up tomorrow.

"Let me help, I was going to this crips room anyway," Brittany heard the voice as her eyes grew wide and she felt her chair slow to fall back behind the nurse a little.

"Oh what a Sweetheart you are! That helps tremendously!" the nurse began moving at a quicker pace now that she wasn't trying to navigate two separate wheelchairs.

Brittany wanted to turn around or at least say something but she hesitated. She knew the voice the second the girl began speaking and the tightness in her chest was suddenly replaced with a struggle for breath. She wanted to say something but at the same time she couldn't make her body produce any actions or even open her mouth to speak.

Santana wheeled Brittany to the room the nurse pointed out as the nurse followed quickly behind to help the blonde back into bed. Brittany felt her face immediately turn red as she groped at her gown trying to make sure she was properly covered. "There, there sweetie, now lift that leg and I'll help you slide in," the nurse was motioning to Brittany's right leg as the girl slowly made her way onto the familiar sheets.

"I noticed you didn't eat your lunch so I'm going to call the doctor to schedule the procedure for the afternoon, babydoll," the nurse said with a frown before looking over at the brunette. "But in the meantime, enjoy your visitor," she smiled towards the stranger before thanking her again for her assistance in the hallway.

"I'm glad I caught you, I would have had to search the whole damn place...and you know how much I hate being here," the girl threw her bag on the chair before standing by the foot of the bed. "What procedure are they talking about?"

Brittany sat staring with her mouth slightly agape as she took in the appearance of the girl in front of her. She could tell last night in the dark that the girl was pretty but those shadows that she sulked in definitely didn't do her justice. There were so many features to notice Brittany found her eyes wandering in multiple directions. Her hair seemed to shine from every angle and bounced a little as Santana shifted her weight from one leg to the other. Brittany was positive that the girl in front of her wasn't real, no one could be that beautiful. Could they?

"Hell-o?" Brittany was suddenly brought crashing back to the hospital room as her thoughts of the girls caramel skin seemed to be a distant memory. "Is there a reaso-" Santana was cut off before she could finish her sentence.

"Feeding tube," Brittany said in a faint whisper as she pulled the covers up even further clenching the fabric in her fist.

"It's because of this damn environment." Santana started without skipping a beat as she threw her arms across her chest, "I mean seriously, who could eat in here...period? Much less someone who is feeling sick. This.." she inhaled loudly " smell...is enough to send anyone running for the Heights. I bet if you were home you'd be just fine, it throws people off being in here all hooked up and observed like a monkey."

Brittany knew the girl had no idea how much time she had actually spent in the hospital nor how this place was like her second home. She silently prayed that no random nurses came in to visit, calling her by any of her usual pet names. She didn't feel like explaining her entire medical history.

"How's your Uncle?" Brittany breathed trying to change the subject as she noticed the Latina start to fidget.

"He's on a ventilator. He looks like he's going to space in his shoebox of a room" she turned around staring at the wall before she folded her arms across her chest, clinching her blazer so it bunched up as she looked around the room. She was trying to keep her breathing even but she felt her heart begin to race so hard beneath her rib cage that she was positive it was being louder than all the machines combined. She turned, capturing Brittany's blue eyes with hers and for a moment everything stopped and she felt calm. The feeling was short lived before her body did a 180 and she felt like she was about to explode. Her breathing quickened as she licked her lips thinking of what to do. She hadn't thought this far in advance when she offered to take over pushing the blonde, and now she was stuck with those damn blue eyes staring at her intensely.

"Are you okay?" Brittany questioned as she scratched at the blanket with her nail, noticing that Santana seemed as if she was about to jump out of her own skin.

"I uhm..I can't, I-I just remembered that I told my abuelita I'd help her with something," she reached to grab her bag in one fluid motion as the machine next to Brittany began beeping loudly signaling the need for a new bag of fluids. Before Brittany could respond the brunette had disappeared quicker than she had arrived. Confused, the blonde was left wondering what went wrong and if the Latina had actually been in her room at all. Maybe this was her mind playing tricks on her for wanting it to happen so badly, maybe she dreamt it all in her head.

* * *

Brittany glanced up at the clock for the 50th time in the last 20 minutes feeling her heartbeat quicken as she noticed the time. She had been trying to take a nap since Santana stormed out, well, at least when she _thought _Santana stormed out. She was still confused as to whether or not her visit actually happened as it seemed like a blur when she tried to remember. She hadn't been able to sleep due to the fact that she was worried about her nose being violated and because her mind seemed to always drift back to the brunette. She had about an hour before she would be wheeled down to the third floor and it seemed that time was flying by; she hated it.

She closed her eyes and tried her best to snuggle into the blanket as she secretly wished she had kept the orange fur ball. Who was she kidding, right now she needed something desperately to cling to. Her thoughts were interrupted as she heard a faint knock at the door. Glancing toward the front of the room, her breath caught in her chest as she saw the orange stuffed animal doing a dance in the crack of the door. She smiled as Santana's head slowly peaked through, "Can I come in?"

Brittany nodded and slowly began sitting up while adjusting the pillows behind her head as she began to feel a little light headed. The cuff on her arm began to inflate as the machine beeped slowly, alerting the room that her blood pressure was dropping below normal.

"Ugh, can't they make those things silent?" Santana sat on the edge of the chair and rolled her eyes.

"I think that would kinda defeat the purpose," Brittany smiled as the machine stopped as her blood pressure slowly climbed back up to near normal levels.

Brittany studied Santana at the end of the room with a crease between her brows as she tried to figure out what was running through the girl's head. She could tell that the girl had her guard up and that the chances of figuring her out were slim so she gave up and glanced at the clock again. _Ugh- 40 minutes._

"Look, I'm sorry about earlier. Like I said, hospitals give me the creeps, okay?" She began looking around the room as if she may repeat her actions from earlier. "Anyway, I brought you this," she tossed the orange creature onto the bed where it landed in front of Brittany.

Brittany grabbed him up quickly, "Deedoe!" she nearly shouted. Santana nearly choked as she began laughing and stared in disbelief at the blonde in front of her. "That's his name? Deedoe? Where on earth did you come up with that?"

"From yesterday, when you said 'bendeedoe' about your Uncle. It seemed like a cool word!" Brittany was smiling so hard her skin and cheekbones hurt as she brought Deedoe down to look at him again.

"Hold up, you named him Deedoe, because of a word I said?" she questioned raising an eyebrow as Brittany nodded cheerfully. "Well first of all, the word is 'bendito' " she said it with such a smooth accent that Brittany couldn't help but smile harder which she had no idea she could do. She had suddenly forgotten all about her procedure and was more focused on the surprise visit from both the stuffed animal and her new friend. "So I have no idea, how you came up with Deedoe from that, but it suits him," she said with a shrug of her shoulders before examining her nails in front of her briefly.

"I also brought you this," she pulled out a large thermos from behind her back as she stood up and made her way to the side of Brittany's bed hesitating a little, "My abuelita used to force me to drink this whenever I was sick when I was little. Obviously I never ended up in this shit hole so it must do something." She took the top off and offered it to the blonde with a genuine smile before she took a deep breath as she glanced quickly around the room. The machines all beeped in unison and it made Santana jump before she closed her eyes trying to mentally calm herself down.

As Brittany took the drink, Santana turned to look towards the door her breathing becoming a little irregular. The room around her seemed to close in on itself and she blinked slowly before opening her eyes again to look towards Brittany. "I think...I can't, I-I can't," she stammered while shaking her head. As she went to turn away, she felt something soft grip her wrist making her turn back around. She forced herself to swallow the gasp that was threatening up in her throat as she maintained eye contact with the blonde's fingers encircling her wrist.

"Cling...remember? You just need something to cling to," Brittany breathed out still holding the thermos in her other hand as she glanced up and into the brown eyes that she had dreamt about earlier. Santana turned the rest of her body slowly to completely face Brittany as she took a deep breath and noticed the blondes continued grasp on her wrist. Her chest grew tight.

"Right," Santana breathed out, her heart racing as she nervously watched Brittany take her first sip of the liquid before her eyes found her wrist again, "Something to cling to."


	3. The Right Things to Say

**Chapter 3- The Right Things to Say**

Santana didn't know how long she had been standing next to the bed as the blonde girl clung gently to her wrist, but she was positive that it had been too long. Her heart felt like it was trying to find its way out of her chest as she stood contemplating what to do next. She felt trapped and unable to move. Her body kicked into high gear when Brittany glanced in her direction, probably knowing she wouldn't be able to maintain eye contact with the storm brewing inside her. She slowly pulled her arm away and felt the pale fingers glide off her wrist like silk; her skin suddenly aching in their absence. She gripped her wrist tightly with her free hand in an attempt to cease the dull throb, as she licked her lips unconsciously. She paused until the ache dissipated before folding her arms across her chest defensively. Maybe she was wrong; maybe she hadn't stayed still for too long, maybe it wasn't long enough.

"This tastes weird, what is it?" Brittany stated as she licked her top lip, staring at the brunette.

Santana paused for a moment, why she wasn't sure, but her body was screaming at her to remain motionless. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her own breathing which proved to be impossible as it was staggered all over the place. She wasn't sure if it was the hospital or something else causing her body to act like it was on drugs but she wasn't sure how to handle it.

Easing her hands down to reside on her hips, she glanced up at the ceiling "If you knew, you probably wouldn't drink it. At least that's what my abuela tells me when I ask," she smirked as her eyes drifted to each ceiling tile as if she were mentally counting them. Suddenly she jerked her head down clashing her eyes with Brittany's, "I mean, it's to-ta-lly legit. You can buy it from one of those preppie smoothie shops. You know the ones? They smell like an old icecream scooper and the workers look like Santa's elves as they tell you the benefits of each and ev-ery smoothie. It's a bunch of bull crap," she paused while rolling her eyes. "I got one with only fruit but I added a shot of sexiness for an extra 79 cents," she winked before turning to pull the chair closer to the head of the bed.

Brittany blushed a little as she maneuvered her tongue in her mouth trying to decipher the taste that refused to go away. While it wasn't horrible, it definitely didn't taste like pure fruit or something she would actually pay money for. She watched as the girl eased herself down in the chair, noticing that she looked completely uncomfortable and on edge.

"Then why does it taste like pepper?" the blonde's nose scrunched up in disapproval as she took another sip.

"Maybe you're imagining things," the Latina leaned back in her chair her eyebrows perking while she crossed her arms over her chest. "or may-be the christmas elves spiked it bc they were pissed Santa ate all the cookies," she gave a slight head tilt while looking at the blonde.

The blonde's forehead wrinkled as she looked at the girl in front of her, trying to read her unspoken body language. She looked guarded, annoyed, and as if she had a huge ass grudge towards the world. "Don't joke about the elves, or they won't make your presents this year. They hate elf jokes," the blonde mumbled.

Santana glanced quickly in the blonde's direction before chuckling. She couldn't tell if Brittany was being serious or just trying to get on her level, but she admired her either way.

"Do you go to school?" the girl in front of her broke the silence as she continued to sip her drink.

"That's a dumb question," the Latina rolled her eyes and crossed her legs before glancing up at the blonde in time to notice her tuck her lower lip behind her teeth. If Santana knew how to let her cold heart actually feel something, she would bet money the girl in front of her was sad. Santana had never been good at expressing her emotions or dealing with people when they expressed theirs. It always made her feel uncomfortable.

"Dumb just means being silent. But most people use it to mean stupid," Brittany fiddled with Deedoe's orange hair in her lap before continuing "either way it's an inaccurate way to describe a question."

Santana could tell that she had hit a sore subject and found herself wondering why the girl was all disheveled over a simple word. She thought of various possibilities in her head before deciding it was pointless. Whatever it was, she felt her stomach turn at the thought of having upset the girl in front of her, a feeling completely foreign to the Latina. The blonde seemed to be bringing a lot of unknown feelings onto the playing field and Santana wasn't exactly sure if she liked it or not.

"It was just a statement. Wrong choice of words I guess" she shrugged, "I didn't mean to make you pout," the brunette stuck out her lower lip to demonstrate her best sad face and added a few eyelash bats for good measure. Brittany immediately began letting go of her sadness as a smile began pulling at her cheek bones.

"That's not a pout, that's cute," the blonde said without thinking as she took a sip from her drink, a smile still on her face.

Santana immediately sucked her lip back in as she felt her chest shudder a little before going tight. She looked down at her hands to hide the blush that was approaching her tanned cheeks. Her heart nearly jumped in excitement when the door to the room opened, releasing the tension and silence of the room.

"The Endos..." the nurse trailed off as she glanced at the nearly empty cup in front of Brittany before her eyes fell on Santana. "What's that? Oh dear child! Did you actually drink something and keep it down?"

Brittany recognized immediately the sometimes forgotten princess and smiled when she looked inside her cup. "I guess I did, Millie! Does that mean I don't have to get the tube?" She sat up feeling the excitement in her stomach grow as she stared at the nurse in front of her before glancing at Santana, noticing her slightly red cheeks. The Latina had her head bowed slightly, with her loose curls framing her face effortlessly. She was shaking her left foot that was crossed over her leg as her thumb rubbed her wrist slowly. She looked so delicate and serene that Brittany nearly jumped when Santana looked up making eye contact, her eyes a shade lighter than they were earlier.

"Mrs. Pierce?" Brittany heard the sound but it seemed distant or muffled and it wasn't until Santana did a small point with her left hand that Brittany's eyes turned to meet a displeased Snow White.

"Sorry," the girl mumbled as she fiddled with the cup in her hand, careful not to break eye contact with the nurse. "Do I get to be tube free?" she managed to get out after a few long moments of silence.

"I'll have to check with your doctor," she paused and glanced at the Latina before continuing. "I'll go call but for heaven's sake be responsive when I come back," she turned quickly to leave the room, leaving the girls in a thick silence. Only the sound of Santana's jeans rubbing together as she nervously shook her foot filled the room, as the two refrained from making eye contact.

"I'm glad you kept it down, my abuela would be so proud, " the brunette broke the silence with a sly smirk that played across her face.

"I thought you sa.." Brittany started but was cut off just as quickly.

"Yea. Right. And have you get nauseous at the thought of some concoction made by an old spanish lady from the Heights? Nah, I decided to get my lie on." The latina stood up and looped her purse over her shoulder in one quick motion.

"Take care of Deedoe, he had the star treatment at my house last night. I kept him from the dog." Santana smirked before reaching over the empty thermos to grab Brittany's phone.

"Lemme know if you have to get that...thing" she motioned up and around in a circle with her finger before continuing on the phone. Brittany shuddered at the thought of the tube doing circles in her nose as she scrunched up her face.

"Thanks," Brittany sputtered out as she looked back into the brown eyes that finally glanced up from the phone. She noticed they were back to a deep brown and her brows knit together at the change, a sigh catching in her throat.

The brunette placed the phone back on the table before turning to walk towards the door, pausing to give the girl behind her a smile.

* * *

"_Brittany! Brittany!" she could hear the calling from outside the house, the sound muffled. _

_She ruffled her skirt down and looked at her black buckled shoes and the way they creased at the toe from her squatting. Her blonde hair pooled around her shoulder as she leaned on her arm trying to breathe normal. Her stomach was in knots. _

"_There you are, you had me so worried! Don't just run off like that from the playground," her mother's voice was stern but sweet at the same time. She knelt by her daughter, brushing a few strands of hair away from her eyes. Her normal bright blue eyes seemed to have a milky haze over them that immediately puzzled the woman. She kissed her daughter's forehead slowly but pulled back quickly as she noticed a heat that seemed to radiate from the girl's head. _

"_You're sick, Sweetie. Let's go to bed and I'll get you situated," her mother had grabbed a hold of her arm and was attempting to pull her upright. Brittany went limp._

" _Momma, I can't. I feel too tired," the young girl spoke slowly, nearly slurring her words. _

"_Sure you can, come on," her mother tried pulling her again only to receive the same reaction._

"_I can't. I can't," Brittany slowly began to let tears fall as she looked up at her mom. Something inside her told her that this moment would change her life. She could tell that this wasn't a stomach virus or like that time she ate her aunt's chicken marsala before checking to make sure it was cooked. This was different. _

_She heard her mom yelling for her father before she had this feeling swell over her entire body. It made her toes feel like liquid and the tip of her ears feel on fire. She felt lost for the first time in her life. Then she felt blackness._

* * *

Brittany startled, noticing the soreness throughout her body as she tried to lift her head. She shifted her eyes around in the darkness before glancing in the room around her. For a moment she couldn't distinguish between dream and reality, she silently wondered if she was still 10 years old. A look down at her chest told her otherwise as the events of the evening came crashing back to her.

She didn't understand why she threw up all of her dinner. She was absolutely positive that she had turned a corner earlier with Santana, almost forgetting about the feeding tube all together. The fact that she couldn't keep it down made her whole body ache that much more. The feeling inside her chest was a common one. She felt lost. The same way she felt that day with her favorite buckled shoes in her parents bathroom, the day she knew something was wrong.

A beep came from the room behind her, the light illuminating a small area near her pillow. She slowly stood up, balancing herself on the doorframe and wall. Once she was convinced she could make the 4 steps without landing on her face, she managed to stumble forward and into her bed. She grabbed her phone and flipped it open.

INBOX SANTANA: _So don't hate me, but I found out why that drink tasted like pepper:x_

A smile immediately found Brittany's face as she snuggled into her pillow before glancing at the clock, it was nearly midnight. She knew she should be sleeping. Her body felt weak and the doctors were already planning for her procedure as a result of her dinner's unexpected return visit.

SENT:_I don't think I want to know..._

Brittany snapped her phone shut before turning towards the window and snuggling the sheets up to her face. Her phone beeped causing her to jump a little.

INBOX SANTANA: _Spanish people love their spices. Abuela said it had Adobo up in there, we put that shit in everything. Sorry! How are you feeling? _

Brittany immediately stuck out her tongue at the thought of drinking a spicy, pepper seasoning inside a fruit smoothie. She got sick over beef broth but NOT a spanish spice smoothie? She shook her head at the thought before typing her response.

SENT: _OMG, I can't believe I drank that. Except - apparently it's the only thing my stomach wants to keep down. I've been getting sick since dinner. :(_

INBOX SANTANA:_ Oh No. Maybe it's something in the recipe;) I'll get my Abuela to make you one in the morning, and I'll bring it by before school, K? Gotta go to bed tho! Night. _

Brittany contemplated writing a response back but she wasn't exactly sure what to say. She didn't know why the girl was going out of her way to help her, but then again she didn't have much experience in the friend department. She slowly paused before closing her phone and laying it on the table behind her.

She had no idea what else was in the mysterious drink the Latina had introduced her to but she was suddenly thankful that at least her body agreed with something, even if it was full of pepper.

For a reason she couldn't explain, the lost feeling inside her chest seemed a little smaller than it had earlier. Almost as if it was disappearing. Brittany couldn't be sure but she thought of it over and over again until she could no longer hold her eyelids up and slowly drifted to sleep.

* * *

"No Me Gusta."

The blonde heard the voice before she saw the tiny Latina barge into her room with her hair unkempt and messy around her neck. Brittany's eyes immediately widened as she took in the girls' appearance in a barely there cheerleading uniform.

"This damn place is gonna make Snix come out, look at my hair!" she motioned to her hair before setting down a cup next to Brittany's bedside, rushing into the bathroom. Brittany followed her white shoes to where they met the olive skin at her ankles as the girl stood on her tiptoes to get a better look in the mirror.

"If I come out of here smelling like a hospital, Imma have to slap some people," the Latina was tilting her head and admiring herself in the mirror before she turned around quickly.

"You're a cheerleader?" Brittany managed to get out as she made eye contact with the girl in front of her. Her eyes were that deep brown again and she felt her mind go a little fuzzy as she stared into them. Santana glared back and for a few moments nothing was said until the Latina finally looked away.

"Unfortunately. A late cheerleader I might add. My ass is toast," she picked up her bag before flinging it across her shoulder.

"Oh, well than..." Brittany began, feeling rushed as she reached towards the cup on the table.

"No problem, I gotta dip...let me know how that goes," she pointed towards the cup before hurrying past the door without bothering to close it fully.

The only proof Brittany had that the brunette actually made an appearance was the large thermos in her hands. She dipped her head down to smell the drink before snapping her head back, immediately regretting it. She wasn't sure if she were more thankful for the drink that she could keep down, or the person who brought it to her. The thought of Santana going out of her way brought a slight blush to her cheeks as she took the first sip of the smoothie.

The taste of pepper seemed more noticeable now that she knew it was an actual ingredient. She gulped some more down quickly as she snuggled back in her sheets.

"Rise and shine," a young blonde nurse made her way into the room as she looked over Brittany's vitals before glancing at the girl's cup. "Someone bring you a shake?" She had so much happiness in her voice as she spoke and Brittany was positive she would lose her smile if she only knew what was in the drink.

"You could say that," Brittany made a move to sit up as she gulped down more of the shake.

"Just in for vitals. You're procedure is scheduled for noon, don't get too excited." She tried nudging the patient a little as she got out her blood pressure cuff and placed it around her arm.

"A little low this morning; any lightheadedness or dizziness?" The woman reached in her labcoat and pulled out the familiar syringe as she began to mess with IV tubing. She inserted the syringe and Brittany watched as blood started to fill up the barrel.

"Uhm... Not really, excep..." she felt a wave of nausea course through her body leaving her unable to finish her sentence.

"Except?" The nurse questioned not really paying attention, tapping the syringe as the blood approached the top.

"Take it out! Take it out! " Brittany was frantic. She attempted to pull herself free from the nurse and the mess of tubes sprawled out in front of her, flinging her arms in the process.

"Oh Oh, What's wrong ?" The nurse was trying to move fast but it wasn't nearly fast enough for the patient in front of her. She went to pull the syringe out, breathing heavily as she attempted to tell the girl to calm down. Before she managed to get the words out, the blonde had leaned over and emptied her entire stomach on the floor in front of her.

The nurse pressed the 'help' button located on the side of the wall slowly as she tried to wrap her head around what just happened. She shifted her weight from one foot to another, watching the girl in front of her fall apart before looking down at her feet. She would need new shoes.

* * *

SENT: _Bad news, I drank the shake and couldn't keep it down :( _

Brittany looked at the text again as she read it to herself. She had sent it nearly 3 hours ago and hadn't heard back from the Latina. She tried to not feel upset but she could tell by the way she checked her phone constantly that she was.

She put the phone down and stared up at the TV where Spongebob reruns echoed in the tiny room. She watched as the starfish laughed consistently for what seemed like 3 minutes straight and she felt her face curl up in a smile before she mentally kicked herself for smiling- there was nothing to smile about.

The doctor had come in about an hour ago to let her know that the new medicine combination seemed to be working as her levels were starting to even out. Her cortisol level was even approaching normal numbers. That was the good news. The bad news was that he was still adamant about the feeding tube.

Brittany sat up glancing down at her phone to see if the tiny LED light was blinking a notification. Her screen remained black as she sighed to herself.

She promised the doctor she would try harder, taking a spoonful of broth and waiting 30 min before consuming anything else if she had to. The doctor reluctantly agreed to let her try again for dinner but then there would be no question- she would go under at 8am. She remembered clearly the look he had given her as he tilted his head letting his eyes look above the rim of his glasses. She shuddered a little bit at the memory before her phone buzzed next to her.

_INBOX SANTANA: saaaay what! what happened? (Sorry, school is a bitch, I only have time to check my phone in Glee)_

Brittany felt her chest swell with blood, at least that's what it _felt _like it was doing as it hammered against her chest. She was moving her fingers so fast to type a response, she had to erase it 4 times for spelling errors before sending it.

_SENT: I don't know, I drank it the exact same way as before. _

She thought about putting that she was worried the girl didn't like her, or was ignoring her since it took her so long to respond. She ultimately refrained and went to place her phone down, but it buzzed within her grasp.

_INBOX SANTANA: ? That makes no sense. What was different? Think back. Did you have that nasty cheeto Deedoe?_

Brittany looked down at her phone as her expression fell. Deedoe was definitely not a cheeto...he looked nothing like that tiger-meerkat thingfrom the commercials. She felt herself begin to pout as she thought back to when she first had the smoothie. She remembered Santana talking to her about her grandmother and the pepper, she twisted her nose as she thought of the last part again. She remembered Deedoe being in her lap, which was important because he was her cling, her link to reality.

Her eyes glanced up to the ceiling as she thought about all the events and how they unfolded. This morning was exactly the same. There was no big difference. She sighed getting frustrated with herself, more so for the fact that she got sick in the first place. She looked down at her lap and found Deedoe staring up at her with one eye. She had him in her lap when she was drinking this morning, just like before and Santa..." she trailed off as she brought her fingers up and covered her lips before whispering again, "Santana"

That was the difference. Santana had been in the room next to her the entire time she was drinking her first smoothie. This morning she left quickly before the first sip. The pieces were starting to come together clearly in Brittany's mind as she brought her fingers down in front of her and studied them, remembering what it felt like to touch the bronze skin of the Latina's wrist. Her breath caught in her chest as she stared back down at Deedoe.

She held her phone in her hands, unsure of what to say back. It would definitely sound weird to point out that _SHE_ was the reason, she was the difference. She slowly tucked her lower lip in her mouth and sucked on it gently. She didn't know when it happened, or how it happened but somehow she had replaced Deedoe. He was no longer her cling, no longer did she feel grounded and safe when she held him. He was no longer her link to reality, a reminder of something beyond the hospital. A safety net.

Santana was.


	4. Through The Dark

**(A/N) First of all I would like to apologize at the length of time it took me to update. There are two reasons! One- I just moved and I found it hard to sit and write when boxes were everywhere and my dog had no room to walk. Two- In a Glee/Brittana hiatus frenzy I have gotten addicted to Grey's Anatomy and have been watching it obsessively on Netflix. Completely unacceptable I know! Definitely back on track so hopefully no more long breaks. Hope you like this chapter!**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Through The Dark**

Santana smoothed out a piece of her cheerleading skirt as she sat on the bleachers listening to the lady in front of her bark orders through a red megaphone. She cringed a little as the voice grew more and more intimidating, ultimately sounding like the hulk was about to rip through her solid green track suit. Having signed her life away for the last 3 and a half years to the Cheerios, Santana was accustomed to the vibrating noise that resided within her ears. It was similar to the way they felt after rocking out at a concert with blaring speakers and trying to communicate afterwards; everything seemed far away and distant. This was exactly like that. Without fail, after practices as she walked to her car, she felt like the world was existing without her. Too distant for her to touch and she blamed it all on the red megaphone. Or the devil that was holding it. She went back and forth.

She flipped another piece of her skirt into place and glanced at the clock. 4:02. She rolled her eyes to herself before crossing her legs and leaning forward on her elbows with her head nestled in her palm. This day had been one of _those _days. The ones where all you want to do is go back to bed and restart it over, hoping just hoping, that this time you climb out on the _right_ side.

It started _before_ her alarm went off this morning as she stared at the clock in front of her, waiting for it to go off, thereby forcing her out of bed. She felt her body tense in anticipation of the loud beeps that were about to sound. It was by far one of the most annoying sounds she had ever heard next to Rachel Berry, but she had to have it or she would ignore the alarm all together. She had tried all other types of alarms without any luck. Chimes were too whimsical to wake her fully and she would press 'dismiss' in a daze before snuggling back into her pillow. Music was the worst as she would sleep through it, not once flinching or moving in the slightest which made it surprising that she had yet to fall asleep in Glee club.

The one day she did tried it, she awoke to her mother flailing around her room and pulling the sheets right off her warm body. She wound up being an hour late to Cheerio practice which Coach Sylvester immediately noticed and had her on the bottom of the pyramid during rehearsal as punishment. As if that wasn't bad enough, having knees grinding against your shoulder blades and hands actually rubbing against the grass, she had to do the entire squad's drycleaning that week. Ever since, Santana only used loud obnoxious beeps as alarms. And she set a back up across the room just in case.

It was never good when Santana didn't get her sleep, it meant something was weighing too heavily on her mind to let her eyes drift shut. All night she had been thinking about the last time she was sick, which she had trouble remembering to begin with being that it was probably a year or so ago. It was well known that because she was never sick when she finally succombed to an illness she acted like the world was ending. She couldn't help it to be honest; she was used to feeling 100 percent all of the time and when she felt anything less, she felt the need to complain about it. Her mind drifted to Brittany and she felt her heart sink a little in her ribcage. She wasn't sure if it was because the girl obviously had a lot of experience being sick, or if it was because she hadn't heard from her, either way she was pretty positive the blonde was the reason she had been forgoing sleep.

That's when her Abuela decided to fling open her door and raise her curtains so fast it was almost as if she did both in a single motion. Santana recoiled at the sunlight and cursed the sun for being on time when she had fought sleep for the 5th night in a row. Her mind drifted to the last message she had received from Brittany nearly a week ago, but she had no time to wallow in her worries before her grandmother was mumbling in Spanish next to her.

Her Abulea began pushing her out of the bed which caused Santana to start slamming her pillows around, stomping as she stood up. Shit was about to go down for whoever opened the front door to this woman at this ungodly hour.

From the bits of Spanish Santana was able to make out, her uncle was having complications and the doctor had told the family to prepare themselves for the worst. In spanish culture this means any and all family congregates in one area, no matter how small; no matter what time.

Despite being awake that morning _before _her alarm went off, she arrived to school when the bell rang for first period, making it official that she had missed an entire Cheerio practice. To make matters worse, Glee club was doing an entire week devoted to 'fears' of all things. She felt a nasty taste in her mouth as she watched the curly-haired-model wannabe go on and on about the assignment.

She was both thankful and petrified to be sitting on the bleachers, with less than an hour left of practice. She knew the wrath was coming, she had known since 8:14 this morning when she was being squished between her Tia Sylvia and her Tia Maggie while they told stories about her uncle in the sweaty room on the 3rd floor. When she was finally able to leave, she felt her chest tight with panic at having been in such a confined space within the hospital for so long. She had to take a moment to gather herself before climbing in the car next to her mom. As they pulled away, she watched the hospital get smaller and smaller in the side mirror, and her only thought was of the blonde girl that had seemed to fade away with it.

"SAND BAGS," she immediately jumped causing her head to bounce within her hand. She stood up and with her hands on her hips she stared at the near hulk in front of her. This was it.

"Coach," she was surprised she was able to get any words out. It wasn't that she was scared, Santana was never scared- of anything. She grew up in Lima Heights for crying out loud. At least this is what she told herself as she maintained eye contact with the short haired woman. Her eyes were cold and callous and suddenly she felt herself missing the pools of blue she found comfort in at the hospital.

"I don't recall giving you permission to stay at home and do a self breast exam on those puppies which clearly would take up HOURS," she belted in the megaphone and Santana could have sworn she saw a bit of spit fly out the side of her mouth in the process.

"Unless you forgot, you are co-captain of this squad, which can easily be taken from you and given to the once a mommy always a mommy over there," She motioned to Quinn before stomping up the bleachers and stopping a foot away from Santana's face.

"Lost track of time Coach, it won't happen again," she stated matter of factly, shrugging her shoulders in the process.

"Lost track of time? Do you think this is Glee Club? I am not Will Schuester, I don't put product in my hair and I won't settle for teenage antics. We can't afford to waste time while you swing at a pinata! You just bought yourself dry-cleaning duty for two weeks," she paused before looking around with a slight flare in her eyes. "The Cheerio bathroom needs a good deep cleaning as well."

The entire squad seemed to grimace in unison as Santana felt a little bile in the back of her throat threaten to rise up. She was absolutely positive that the bathroom hadn't been cleaned in months. Coach Sylvester refused to let a common janitor clean the space of national champions so it was in a constant state of disarray. Not that the girls were messy but after several months of 20 girls using a bathroom without it being cleaned, the thought didn't sound pleasant to Santana.

"That's absolute bull crap. I won't clean that nasty place any quicker than I'd walk the Heights with my wallet out. I was late one day, big...deal," she took her hands off her hips only to fling them in the air, "That's one out of how many?" Santana couldn't help the word vomit that was flowing out of her mouth but she oddly didn't regret any of it. It wasn't like she could kick her off the squad, she needed her for Nationals in a couple of weeks.

"Get out!" the woman screamed into the megaphone which was directly next to the Latina's ear. Santana immediately recoiled and pulled her hands up to cover her ears. She rolled her eyes before jumping down the stairs flinging her hand up as if she was dismissing the whole squad. She didn't bother stopping to look back or to say anything as her heart raced within her chest. She was angry, upset, and hurt. She didn't even know she was capable of feeling the latter, and she hated that she was even contemplating the possibility.

When she finally reached her car she threw her bag in the trunk before allowing her body to collapse until she was sitting on the pavement with her knees to her chest, watching her tan skin illuminate under the sun's glare. She pressed her forehead into her arm further and made circles at the top of her knee. Santana continued until her skin stung from the heat forcing her to lay her legs flat on the ground as she grabbed her phone quickly and went to her inbox, scrolling until she saw Brittany's name.

_INBOX BRITT: I don't know, I drank it the exact same way as before._

She read the text at least 4 times over before closing it out and throwing her phone down to be lost in a sea of red and black within her lap. It had been 5 days, and there had been no response from the blonde. At first Santana thought maybe the girl was just really sick and didn't have time to use her phone. It didn't make sense though, that she could be well enough to text one second but then not a second later. She had even sent messages after a few hours of no response. General ones at first, asking if she was able to keep food down, or how she was feeling. After the 3rd day, Santana was convinced that the girl was either in a coma or was ignoring her.

She kinda hoped for the coma and she was almost positive that because of that … she would be cursed where she sat roasting in the sun. She glanced at her phone again; the last message Santana sent her was yesterday night as she was about to fall asleep. Or … about to lay there and wish she could fall asleep. She had blurted out a few lines about wanting to know if everything was okay or if maybe she had done something to offend her. She cringed at the thought of letting someone know she was worried and for a few seconds she wished she could magically 'unsend' a message. Yet, even then, she still got no response.

She felt her chest swell, but it wasn't an overwhelming unknown feeling this time. This time it was an all too familiar feeling of anger. She was angry at her uncle for being sick. She was angry at her Tia Sylvia for squishing her, thereby forcing her to stay in that smelly room- missing practice. And as much as she tried to deny it, she was mad at Brittany for causing her to feel a bunch of foreign emotions. She stood up roughly before flinging the car door open and violently positioning herself while buckling her seat belt. She leaned her head on the steering wheel and felt her blood boil the more she thought of the blonde ignoring her. She flung her head upright, her black curls bouncing unaffected, and turned the car on as she toggled the controls to manage the AC as if it would help cool her down. She was on fire. She mentally slapped herself for caring if someone was ignoring her. She was Santana Lopez. She doesn't give a shit what people think. So why now? Why did it bother her that one random sick girl wasn't answering her texts? She hit her fist against the steering wheel before pulling her hair out of the pony tail and running her hands through her raven hair roughly. She let out a throaty growl as she put the car in reverse.

* * *

She always hated hospital food, and no matter how often she ate here it never seemed to change her opinion. The food seemed to have no taste and was either undercooked or overcooked- there wasn't a happy medium.

Santana stabbed at her broccoli effectively making a screaching sound with her fork scrapping across the glassware. She shuddered a little before placing her fork down. Her skin felt like it was crawling from being in the dimly lit room that smelt like old vegetable soup. She stood up, shaking her butt a little to get the pieces of her cheering skirt to fall properly before making her way to the nearest trashcan.

Hundreds of thoughts were racing through her head and she was having trouble deciding which to focus on. She couldn't bring herself to go back to the 3rd floor and watch her uncle struggle to breathe. For as long as she could remember, the men in her life had been the epitome of strength, shielding her from anything and everything that life decided to throw her way.

Yet, she was here with one of the bravest, strongest men she knew...and he wasn't bigger than a tree branch. He looked so weak and tired that Santana found it hard to make eye contact. She felt like the world was spinning in the wrong direction, that time was going backwards, or that the very ground she stood on was trembling. He wasn't supposed to look tired. He wasn't supposed to look frail.

Santana felt her eyes begin to sting as tears threatened to rush past her eyelids. In combination with the hospital itself, Santana was reaching her limit whether she wanted to admit it or not. Every second she listened to the sound of the ventilator or watched her uncle wince, was a second closer to her own personal breakdown.

And then there was Brittany. She felt her entire body clench at the mention of her name, whether spoken or not. She felt her heart rate increase and she noticed her chest heaving. She had only known the girl for days, hours even, and for some reason she felt so tethered to the girl that she could barely function without the blonde entering her thoughts. She gripped her hands into fists by her side, walking towards the elevator before standing behind a man in a long grey coat.

The button was flashing and within seconds the door to the elevator in front of them sprung open, Santana following the man inside. She immediately brought her arms up and folded them gently across her chest in a protective stance. She could feel the man's eyes on her and it made her shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

She couldn't explain why she was going to the 2nd floor, instead of the 3rd where the rest of her family was. Maybe it was a force stronger than family or maybe it was to escape the fear or the look in everyone's eyes. Maybe it was because she was so angry at being forgotten by the blonde or worse yet, maybe she was worried. She shuddered a little as the doors opened in front of her.

"You should be more careful with your laring," she said over her shoulder as she tilted her head to the side, her hands on her hips. She didn't even look back as she stepped off the elevator and into the direction of Brittany's room.

* * *

_I knew I shouldn't have taken that nap. _

Brittany had always been one to believe myths and fairytales and as she aged, the stories evolved and seemed more extravagant. She had somewhere lost sight of what was a true fairytale and which was something she had made up to entertain herself along the way. So instead of believing the wrong one, she just believed them all.

She was panicked. She had tried really hard to stay awake all afternoon, but it had been a long few days and she was drained. She gave in and that was her mistake. She knew the sandman didn't like napping and she had concluded that it was because naps made it harder to get everyone to sleep at night, thus making the sandman's job harder. She was being punished. Deedoe was missing and she was absolutely positive that his sandy hands had something to do with it.

The last 5 days had been a whirlwind. Brittany was forced to get the feeding tube the night she had last texted the Latina. She had been too wrapped up in what to text back that she couldn't even entertain the idea of swallowing food. In hindsight, the feeding tube wasn't as awful as Brittany had imagined it would be. She couldn't even feel it and not even 24 hours after the procedure - she felt stronger. She felt dumb for putting up such a fight against something that made her feel better.

She had the tube in for 3 days. The doctors worked diligently to figure out the right combination of medications and she was poked and prodded consistently those days. But it had been worth it, she was able to eat 4 bites of mashed potatoes at the end of three days. Having kept food down for 24 hours, her levels reaching normal numbers, and feeling more like herself- the tube had been taken out yesterday evening.

She threw her pillows to the side, kneeling over the head of the bed effectively scanning the crack for any orange fluff. She groaned to herself. She would never nap again.

She flipped herself over angrily, her chest sinking at the sight of the poised woman in front of her. Her pout immediately vanished as she stared at the Latina, forgetting what she was pouting about in the first place. Santana was next to the foot of her bed, her long tan fingers gripped the plastic so tightly her nails were turning white. Brittany immediately felt a rush of guilt as she stared into darkness within Santana's eyes.

"I w-was looking for, uhm," Brittany was having trouble getting any words out as she watched the Latina raise her eyebrows in annoyance.

"Nice to see you're... okay," the tanned girl said with a load of sarcasm intertwined. She still had her hands firmly on the foot of the bed, grounding her in one spot.

"Oh...I u-uhm..." Brittany felt her entire body grow hot as she panicked, remembering the last text she had sent to the brunette. Her chest heaved when she remembered the connection between Santana and herself, how the girl had waltzed into her life and had become a cling to the outside world. A cling to hope.

"Speak english," the Latina snapped, finally crossing her arms across her chest, letting the blood circulate to her fingers.

"I got a feeding tube and it w-wasn't as bad as I thought. I actually feel a lot better. There is talk of me going home soon." Brittany pulled the white blankets over her bare legs before bringing her hand up to her mouth to nibble on her nail.

Santana couldn't help the sigh of relief she let go as she stared at the girl in front of her. She did look a lot better than she had remembered. Her skin though still pale seemed to glow and her hair didn't look as dry. Her lips weren't cracked or ashen but a soft pink. Santana's heart was thumping inside her chest and she felt tiny twinges of pain as a result.

Brittany watched as the girl in front of her took deep breaths, closing her eyes with each inhalation. "I...I'm sorry for not texting you back," she wasn't really sure she could explain why, but she wanted the Latina to know she did feel bad about it.

"I don't care," Santana rolled her eyes before letting her hands fall to her hips.

"Oh...t-then," she paused licking her lips "I mean..i-if you don't care, then why are you here?"

Santana hadn't thought enough in advance to know what to say to these questions. In her head the blonde just blurted out the whole situation and Santana listened. She dropped her eyes from the girl to her own hands. Her stomach tightened as she remembered ivory fingers encircling her wrist nearly a week ago. She glanced her eyes toward the blonde only to find pale blue staring back at her.

"The question is, why didn't you text back?" the brunette had gained a little bit of her composure as she steadied herself again on the bed.

"Didn't you just say you didn't care?" Brittany's eyebrows were arched and Santana admired the way her forehead wrinkled in the process.

Santana felt a smile try to creep its way towards her cheeks, but she stopped it before it could ruin her badass image.

"I'm curious, Brittany. I helped you with that," her hands were gesturing in the air as if she was trying to remember, "that...drink. I dropped it by before school, talked to you while I was in Glee club and then you just... dipped."

"I didn't dip, I just didn't know what to say," Brittany whispered as she continued biting her nails.

"Didn't know what to say? I sent you like...7 text messages over the last 5 days, and you had no idea what to say to any of them?" She was fuming now and almost positive that steam was coming out of her ear canals.

Brittany felt her chest start to rise and fall quickly as tears spilled over, christening the curves of her cheeks. "I was scared."

Santana glanced over towards the blonde and let out a deep sigh. She didn't want to make the blonde upset, but truth be told...she was upset too. She had gone out of her way to help someone and been ignored for 5 days, for no reason. Normally she wouldn't care, normally she would rattle off some badass line, but for some reason with Brittany - she cared a lot.

"Scared of what?" she managed to get out, taking a step towards the side of the bed.

Brittany thought long and hard. She knew why she had been scared, but that didn't explain why she ignored Santana's text messages for days. She knew she could lie and say she didn't want anyone to see her with a tube shoved up her nose, but did she really want to start a friendship out with lies? She wasn't the best at the whole friends thing, but she was nearly positive trust played a key role.

"I uhm..." Brittany hesitated momentarily as she debated on whether to tell the girl in front of her the truth. Her palms felt sweaty, so she quickly rubbed them against the rough fabric on her lap. "I had my tube in, and I didn't want anyone to see me like that."

She watched as Santana licked the edges of her lips before meeting her eyes. The way her eyes seemed to glisten, brightening in certain areas and darkening in others, mesmerized the blonde. She suddenly felt guilty for not telling the complete truth to the girl in front of her, especially when she felt very vulnerable beneath her stare.

"Right," Santana was bobbing her head in a way that led the blonde to believe she was nodding, but not in agreement-more so in annoyance.

"It's true," the raised voice made Santana turn on her heels, her hands still firmly placed on her hips.

"You...y-you've been great to me Santana, and I have no idea why. You b-barely know me. I let my nerves get the best of me, I was scared of needing a friend. Normally I go through all this on my own," her voice had dropped back to a near whisper before she continued, "It's just hard to have someone by my side...when before all I had was stupid clings. Clings like Deedoe."

Santana felt her face soften before she felt the pressure inside her chest nearly disappear completely. She knelt to the floor picking up the orange fluff ball she had noticed under the bed when she stormed in the room. She tossed him at the blonde's lap before letting a small smile find its way to her lips.

"Oh my gosh! How'd you do that? I thought the sandman had taken him!" There was no need for light in the room as Brittany's face glowed enough to illuminate the entire space.

"The sandman?" Santana tried to get off the previous topic as discussing feelings had never been her strong suit. She was pretty content in knowing that the girl wasn't upset at her and if she was going to be honest, she felt content just being in the same room with her.

"Yea, he is a wee bit annoyed at me for taking that teeny nap today." Brittany said before stuffing the orange creature under the covers scanning the room quickly. Santana had to admit it made the girl look a little off her rocker, but it didn't stop the smile finding its way to her cheeks.

Santana relaxed her arms and slowly moved to sit on the foot of the bed waving at the blonde to move her legs to the side.

"How's your uncle?" Brittany effectively positioned herself to give the Latina room to sit.

"Ah..He's" Santana looked down at the white blankets beneath her, noticing the deep contrast between her skin and the fabric. "He's doing fine."

Santana didn't know why she felt the need to lie. She hated talking with people about mushy stuff, especially when she had just gotten over being angry. Plus, it wasn't like she couldn't handle it all on her own. Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw Brittany's hand inch forward to gently rub over her knuckles.

"You don't have to be brave for me," the blonde's voice sounded almost whimsical and it reminded Santana of the alarms she dismissed in the mornings.

Santana didn't know what she wanted more. Part of her wanted to keep staring at the hand that was gently rubbing hers, the other was begging her to look the girl in the eyes. She tilted her head up and found the familiar pools of blue, only this time she was closer and could see the darker specks scattered throughout her eyes. It wasn't normal to enjoy looking into someone else's eyes like this, was it? She felt like she could stare at the girl all day, never once getting bored.

The lack of friction on her hand brought her back to reality as she glanced quickly down at her hand before looking at Brittany again. The girl had placed her hands in her lap and was nibbling on the left side of her bottom lip as she started at the Latina. Santana felt her cheeks flush.

"My whole family is here. We've been told to expect the worst-which in my culture means two things: food and people. It's been a little chaotic." Santana's vision was going blurry. She looked up at the ceiling tiles trying to force the foreign liquid back inside her eyelids. It was failing miserably.

"That sounds so nice."

The comment caught the latina off guard as she snapped her head back to the blonde.

"I know that sounds weird, even for me." Brittany could see the shock on the brunettes face and she scrambled to explain herself.

"But...some people are in the hospital right now, hearing news like the kind you were given. Hearing that they have limited time here, limited time to just- exist. Then there are people who were told days ago, and are so afraid to shut their eyes because they don't want to leave. Not everyone has the gift of people." Brittany paused and felt under the covers for the ball of orange fluff.

"Being alone isn't scary. Especially if you are used to it, like me. Going to sleep, eating and even going to the bathroom- being alone isn't a second thought...But you mention death or dying and suddenly alone is terrifying." The girl inched her legs closer to the Latina as she continued, "Then..people who were fine with being alone, clammer to find someone to stand by their side. Anyone. Sometimes it's too late. Sometimes people never find anyone, and the last thing they feel- is need. So, yea... it may sound weird. But I think it's nice, that in this moment and the moments that follow, your uncle is surrounded by clings. He never has to feel that feeling. I bet he is in relief."

Santana had tears flowing freely down the sides of her face as she sucked in her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. Without thinking she reached over and grabbed the blonde's hand, clenching it as if she were afraid the girl would disappear.

"I'm a wreck," Santana wiped underneath her eyes as she sniffled.

"Don't worry, you're in company," Brittany smiled.

Santana smiled back, enjoying the comforting feeling that swelled inside her from holding the girl's hand. "Sorry I had my classic attitude. I call her Snix. I have no control"

Brittany huffed, "Sorry, you thought I was ignoring you."

"Correction, you did ignore me." Santana laughed as she wiped her nose.

"Correction and news flash- you don't know everything Santana, I didn't ignore you," Brittany had broken eye contact and her eyes were now glued to the joined hands in her lap.

"The feeding tube, being sick, this hospital," she gestured to the room, looking around as if she would find someone else there, "it's too much for people. I don't make friends easily. I'm new to knowing how to be a friend, and how to have one. So I was scared. But I didn't ignore you."

"Brittany, I know you're cooped up in the hospital but when you don't answer someone over a period of time, but you receive all their messages- it's what we like to call ignoring. Verb. The act of intentionally forgetting someone," the Latina laughed.

The blonde bit her lip and Santana felt her hand being gripped harder, not that she minded. A moment passed and the Latina's head began to feel dizzy and she wasn't sure how much longer she could stay in one hospital room before she completely made a fool out of herself. Her anxiety level was about to shoot through the roof, and she was sure that Brittany wasn't ready for a 2nd dose of Snix. That's a lot to handle in one day.

Brittany reached over and grabbed her phone off the table next to her before tossing it into the brunette's lap. The look on Santana's face was definitely one of confusion and it made the blonde smirk. Santana picked up the phone with her free hand and held it out to the side.

"What's this?" she questioned.

"A phone. Noun. Something you use to communicate," Brittany couldn't help herself.

"Touche, I can see I have underestimated you," Santana winked, "but why'd you hand it to me?"

"Go to your name... It's listed under Santana." Brittany winced immediately.

"Well, I'd hope so. It better not be under anything else. Except maybe Snix, or Sexy Cheerleader." Santana laughed as she scrolled through the phone, still confused. "What am I looking for?"

"You'll know it when you see it," Brittany smiled as she loosened her grip on the girl's hand. Part of her wondered why they were still holding hands, but she liked it too much to question it.

Santana felt her nails dig into the sides of Brittany's hand as she opened the text file under her name. Any other time she would be afraid that she hurt the blonde, but she couldn't bring herself to loosen her grip.

"O-oh...Brittany," Santana breathed slowly, eyes still glued to the phone.

"See, I didn't ignore you."

Santana looked at each of the 7 texts she had sent in the past 5 days. She thought the blonde had forgotten her- but each text that she had received had a drafted reply left unsent. Her entire body felt like it was electrified and she was positive her pulse was exceeding its natural rhythm.

"I-I was just too afraid to have you as my cling, so I kept it all to myself. I wrote the messages once you texted, I just never sent them." Brittany twisted her hand a little, effectively moving Santana's with hers, "I could never forget you, Santana."


	5. Author's Note

**(A/N)**

Just wanted to let all the readers know that the story is NOT finished. I have received a lot of messages regarding the continuing of the story, and I wanted to let everyone know that life has been hectic for me lately (Was in the hospital for a week at the beginning of August) Nearly 100% recovered, and will be back to writing and updating hopefully by the end of the weekend. Thanks for all your reviews, and patience:)


	6. The Now OR Never Kind

**(A/N):** _I firstly wanted to apologize to all of you as I know it's been a long time since my last update. I have been really sick for the past month and a half, and spent a good deal of time in the hospital :( Anywho, I finally am back on my feet and feeling more like myself. Updates should be a lot more frequent from here on out. Thanks to those of you who stuck with the story and with me, and for all your well wishes and messages. I appreciate it and love them all! I would love your thoughts and opinions about the story in your reviews!_

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Now or Never Kind**

The color of Brittany's arms reminded her of when she used to mix her paint sets as a kid, much to her mother's displeasure, creating a palate of deep colors instead of their bright counterparts. Getting her arms to look like this wasn't as enjoyable as she remembered mixing paint to be, in fact, it wasn't something she enjoyed at all. She quietly let her fingertips graze the top of her skin, delicately touching the deep purple flesh as it disappeared beneath her fingers. Bruises were a common thing for the blonde but the amount she counted this morning seemed unsettling. Her veins had been giving the nurses hell since she arrived, collapsing and infiltrating almost daily. When that happened, the nurses were forced to start a new IV in a different spot on her arm which sometimes took several sticks. Brittany glanced down at her forearm noticing the pale skin beneath all the tape used to hold her current IV in place. No bruise. Yet.

She shifted underneath the rough cloth and reached over to search for the button to raise her bed having examined herself enough for one day. After she was upright, she reached under the covers and pulled the orange monster from his hiding spot, smiling as she noticed he left a few strands of his neon fur on the crisp white. Words couldn't express how tired she was of waking up to this every day. It had been a little over three weeks. She wanted to go home.

Her eyes stared at the blank walls in front of her and then down again at her bruised arms. Somewhere along the way she had gotten used to this. To the needles, bruises and being alone. The thought brought her mind to the latina who sat on her bed two nights prior, holding her hand. A smile played and threatened to spill out of the corners of her mouth as she brought her hand up trying to stop it.

For some reason she had the hardest time getting the brunette out of her thoughts lately and it didn't matter how hard she tried; she popped up in every day dream, thought, or blunder. Her heart thumped heavily inside her chest making her clutch Deedoe tightly hoping it would force the feeling to stop. This always happened when she thought of Santana. That and a buzzy feeling within her stomach that sometimes radiated as far away as her toes. Brittany had never had such feelings with anyone she had known prior and she often wondered what it was about the brunette that had her feeling so intense. It was Santana who helped her finally eat and begin her journey towards feeling better; perhaps it was the fact that Brittany associated her with recovery. Maybe she was just thankful. She was too scared to think of what else it could be.

"Knock Knock," Brittany felt her skin jump a little as she quickly released Deedoe watching him fall to the floor in the process.

"Ugh- Mom, you're here too early," the blonde said annoyingly with a deep sigh.

Her mom's eyes rolled as she threw her bags down into the chair, "I don't need an excuse to be up early, seeing my only daughter."

"Yea, this early- ya kinda do," Brittany crossed her arms across her chest and bit unconsciously on her bottom lip.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, huh B?" Her mom shuffled around the room, opening the blinds and then tossing the monster back onto the bed.

Quickly grabbing the orange fluff and shoving it under the covers, Brittany returned her arms stiffly across her chest. "No, that's kind of hard to do in a hospital bed. There _is_ no right side."

Brittany's mother looked at her daughter and sighed heavily, "Darling, you'll be out of here soon. If you keep your fingers crossed, maybe even today!"

"Only kids cross their fingers. Kids and leprechauns." Brittany shifted in bed, her face straight without the slightest hint of a smile.

The older woman made her way to the foot of the bed, sliding her daughter's feet and swaying her butt from side to side as if to indicate she needed more room to sit.

Brittany turned to lay slightly on her side, a loud puff of air escaping her lips. It wasn't that she didn't want to go home, it was more so that she hated hoping for something only to be let down. If she didn't wish or hope to be discharged, she wouldn't be as upset by it if it didn't happen. This was one of the tactics she picked up when she first stayed at the hospital.

"You have to promise me something," her mother's eyes were deep blue as Brittany stared into them, not really wanting to respond.

"Hmm?"

"I'm worried that once you're released you won't take care of yourself and we will end up right back here. You need to promise me that you will force yourself to drink and eat- that's all I ask. You aren't the only one who gets their life turned upside down when you stay here." Brittany watched as her mother waved her free hand in the air before returning her gaze.

"I know," it was all the girl could manage to seep out. Her emotions were bubbling at the surface and she struggled to keep them inside.

"I just want to make sure you'll be okay. You're all I have," the dark eyes in front of her were beginning to fill with tears.

Brittany opened her mouth to speak but no words found their way out, only silence. Her racing thoughts were interrupted as the door swung open in front of her and her mom wiped her eyes quickly with the back of her sleeve.

"How's my favorite blondie this morning?" The man's tie was flipped over his shoulder resting on the collar of his white lab coat. Brittany felt her lips turn into a smile as she looked into the face of her doctor flipping through her chart.

"How long have you been held captive by us white coats? Nearly a month isn't it? I think we should kick you out, we have no more need for you here!" Her doctors joking tone made Brittany's chest feel lighter and her mood brighter. She quietly snuck her arms under her blankets and did something she swore she would never do. She hoped. She even crossed her fingers.

"All your labs came back from yesterday," he paused as he flipped each piece of her chart slowly. "I think you may be ready to go home...on one condition."

Brittany felt her cheeks start to burn as her grin grew wider than she thought possible. She couldn't believe she was finally hearing the words she had waited nearly 4 weeks for him to utter. Maybe there was something to the whole crossing your fingers thing; either that or the man in front of her had been masquerading as a doctor and was truly a leprechaun. Now that she thought about it his ears _were_ a little pointed.

"What's that?" she managed to get out.

"You need to accept help from those around you, you're still weak and need to take it easy at home. And keep up with the fluids-no exceptions." His brows were knitted together and his eyes seemed to penetrate the blondes. It was obvious he was waiting for Brittany to acknowledge his demands by the way he never broke eye contact. Brittany couldn't decide which she was more annoyed at, everyone freaking out over her fluid intake or the fact that her doctor hid the fact that he was a leprechaun. She was pretty sure they tied.

It wasn't long before her doctor had held out his hand, slightly invading Brittany's personal bubble with his face wrinkled up in a huge grin, "See you soon m'dear, but not too soon." She reached out clasping his hand in hers and felt his strength overwhelm her tiny fingers. Without much more, the elderly man disappeared with his tie flapping behind him as he walked.

She barely had time to register that she was actually leaving the hospital before her mom began to pack up her things and was at her side kissing her forehead. "I need to go get everything ready for you this afternoon, I wasn't prepared!" she said, the joy clearly spread across her face.

"Mom you don't have to, I have plent-" Brittany tried but didn't get very far, her Mom rolling her eyes and brushing the bed free of wrinkles. "Nonsense, I'll be back for your discharge."

There were no words to describe the amount of excitement that filled the space in her chest that Brittany was positive used to be filled with air. Now that she was alone, she felt like screaming in her pillow or to the entire floor that she was going home. Before she could decide which she was going to do her phone buzzed next to her, inching across the table in the process.

The blonde couldn't help the laugh that escaped her mouth as she saw the name that appeared blinking under a tiny message icon._ It be Snix Yo._

Brittany felt her stomach get tight and the same buzzy feeling she felt days ago spread down her legs before dissipating at her feet.

_INBOX IT BE SNIX YO: Hey you;) How's life in bleached prison this AM? _

Brittany reread the text several times in her head, smiling each time she reached the winky face. She quickly pressed the reply button.

_SENT: Hi to you too. Sterile. And apparently full of leprechauns...don't worry I was shocked too:)_

She clicked her phone off, placing it back on the table as she pressed her nurse call button and waited. "Can I help you?" echoed in the room almost immediately from the speakers behind her bed.

"Uhm, I'm being discharged today so I was wondering if I could get my IV out now? It's bothering me." Brittany could tell her voice sounded a bit shaky as she tried to sound somewhat collected.

"I'll let your nurse know," was the last Brittany heard before the speaker clicked off. She glanced down at her forearm and delicately touched the puffy skin above the IV site, the only area without a bruise.

She reached over grabbing her phone as it came to life in her hand eliciting a nervous feeling that caught her breath.

_INBOX IT BE SNIX YO: It's not March Britt, if there is a leprechaun running around there- call the authorities. Doctor been in yet?_

Brittany laughed out loud and immediately brought her free hand up to clasp over her mouth, muffling her bout of giggles.

_SENT: OH! I forgot the best part! Guess what!? _

The blonde tilted her head towards the door when she heard footsteps, seeing the nurse stride into her room quickly. She felt a little panic at the thought of taking the IV out, something that was very unusual for her. Her phone buzzing took her mind off the inevitable, if only for a moment.

_INBOX IT BE SNIX YO: What?_

_SENT: You were supposed to guess, but I'll let it slide;) I get to go home today! Like around 4! I am SO excited!_

Brittany looked up from her phone only to have brown eyes staring back at her. She cringed a little realizing they were nowhere near as captivating as the brown eyes she had been drawn to lately. The nurse in front of her looked like she had been waiting, her supplies set out on the bed, her hands gloved.

"Sorry" the blonde said, putting down her phone and stretching her arm out. "It's really sore."

The nurse nodded, and removed the tubing from the port and grabbed a syringe filled with a saline flush to clear the line. She screwed the cap into the tube in Brittany's arm and applied pressure to the toggle easily. There was no movement of fluid. She tried again slowly, the liquid still not moving into the vein as it was intended. Brittany felt her heart begin to race, but not in the good way that it felt when she was with the latina, this was with fear. With a confused face the nurse lifted her thumb and pressed firmly on the toggle, forcing the fluid thru the tube. Brittany screamed, arching her back against the rough fabric, tears immediately spilled over her eyelids. The nurse jumped back, dropping the syringe on the bed, her eyes wide and frightened.

"Ow, ow, it hurts!" Brittany felt her body start to tremble.

"Maybe there is a kink in it, lets see if we ca-" before she finished her sentence she had pressed firmly again on the toggle causing Brittany to scream out again, more tears flooded down her cheeks.

"Okay, shhh, calm down. It's okay." Brittany could hear the nurse cooing but couldn't focus on anything, not even the buzzing coming from her phone.

"Your veins just can't take anymore. It collapsed." The nurse cleaned the area before pulling the catheter out, as Brittany stared in the opposite direction, still shaking.

It probably wasn't that long, but it felt like eternity to the blonde as she sat and waited to have her arm taped up. She glanced down and noticed the bruise already forming, almost in a direct line along her vein. Her entire arm throbbed and she struggled to move it once the nurse was finished. Her face was still wet with tears and her knees were still trembling. She sucked in her bottom lip and reached for her phone.

_INBOX IT BE SNIX YO: OMG Brittany! That's amazing! Now I can see you without having a panic attack;)_

Brittany sucked in a huge gulp of air, her chest shuddering in the process. She wasn't sure if it was because of what just happened, or the fact that Santana still wanted to see her once she left the hospital. She carefully typed a response back.

_SENT: You were gonna visit today, stop by my house instead? Maybe after dinner? _

There was an intense amount of pressure sitting on Brittany's rib cage and she felt like she couldn't quite take in a full breath. Somehow air forced its way out of her nose and she wondered if it was normal to feel this anxious about someone she barely knew. She couldn't explain the intense need she had to be around the latina- lately she felt like she wanted to see her all the time. She shook her head and attempted a deep breath again, closing her eyes as she tried to focus completely on her breathing and not about the brunette she would see tonight.

* * *

"And in preparation for today's assignment yours truly has mastered a beautiful rendition of one of my favorite songs of all time. I think we all will agree that this song is the perfect selection for my solo for Nationals this year." Rachel's voice echoed in the chior room.

"There's something _else_ we all agree on," Santana mumbled rolling her eyes.

"Santana I understand you may have issues with the way I handled things in the past but I am truly looking out for all of us. This is our last chance at a National championship," the poised girl in front of her said with enthusiasm.

"Don't you think we all know that, lady oompa? I think I speak for everyone when I say that the _last_ thing we want to do during our _last_ chance at a National Championship, is stand swaying behind a streisand wannabe and her enormous beak." The latina shifted in her seat but never broke eye contact with the smaller girl.

"I'm going to ignore that hurtful comment, Santana, and go about my performance." Rachel said, smoothing down her wool skirt before beginning her selection.

Normally glee club was the favorite part of Santana's day. Not only could she sing and dance and send hurtful comments into the universe- most directed towards Berry or her goof of a boyfriend Fin, but she also used the time to catch up on texting.

It was hard to believe, but 10 minutes ago she was actually wearing a smile instead of this pissed off look she usually carried around. She had made plans for later in the night with Brittany. Even the thought of the girl made Santana feel less upset than she used to be. She instinctively encircled her fingers around her left wrist, remembering the barely-there way the blonde seemed to hold her. Her wrist ached in it's absence.

Santana let go of her arm and straightened out her cheer skirt. She had never felt the way she felt when she simply thought of Brittany. It scared her. Not just because the feelings were new, but because she literally had to stop herself from contacting the girl 24/7. Though, it didn't stop the fact that she _wanted_ to contact her and see her constantly. She was nearly positive that wasn't a normal friendship, after all she never felt that way about Quinn. She rolled her eyes as she saw Rachel contorting her face with emotion, her annoyed mood coming back. She definitely didn't ever feel that way about Berry.

The more she watched Rachel perform the more she felt anxious about choosing her own song for the week. She didn't even know where to begin to find a song about a fear, she feared nothing. Well that wasn't entirely true, she feared hospitals and emotional situations; however, she was pretty sure there wasn't a song in the world about phobias and panic attacks interlaced with an emotional outburst. She made a mental note to search for songs tonight, maybe while she was at Brittany's after dinner. The thought of seeing the blonde again made the latina smirk.

She quickly grabbed her phone and texted her mom to let her know she was going to swing by the hospital before dinner, instead of staying through dinner like usual. She claimed the reason being that she needed to study, which wasn't a complete lie- she did have to research for her song and she was almost positive she could find homework to do. She knew her mom wouldn't be thrilled as Santana had been skipping the hospital a lot in the past few days. It had nothing to do with her love or respect for her uncle; she just hated the hour it took to recover after a visit. She hated that part of herself.

Santana caught eyes with Quinn who was a few rows down and exchanged subtle smiles. Quinn had been Santana's only true friend for as long as the girl could remember. They had been each other's competition since age 7 when their moms had enrolled them in the same ballet class. Quinn still gloats about how she outdanced the latina at the end of year recital and Santana reminds her that she tackled her in the middle of the stage during the last song. Since then the girls have been close friends.

When Mr. Schu finally released the class, Santana made a quick attempt to exit without having to talk to anyone. Especially Berry.

"Hey, I was thinking" Quinn's sweet voice broke the silence as Santana grabbed her backpack.

"Spit it out, Q" Santana barked, clearly annoyed.

"Meet at my house tonite, research for your performance tomorrow?" Quinn absently played with her cross necklace, a smile spread across her face. Santana thought about telling her that her uncle was in the hospital, but she hated sharing emotional stuff like that with people, even if it was Quinn. She decided against it and settled on being vague.

"I can't, I have plans." Santana shrugged her shoulders before trying to pass Quinn, jumping down the raised steps and shuffling out the door.

* * *

Brittany snuggled her feet further into the heap of blankets at the end of the couch relishing in the softness. Her mother had gone above and beyond in preparing for her to come home this afternoon, making one of the love seats in the living room a complete bed with sheets and multiple blankets. She sighed contently, feeling as though her body molded itself into the cushions.

The whole discharge process had taken a huge toll on the blonde, one that she wasn't quite prepared for. She felt very weak and her entire body seemed to ache with the slightest movement. Her mom had been pushing fluids just as she promised in the hospital that morning and Brittany hadn't been keeping hers, she was just too tired.

With her good arm she flipped through the channels, half aware of what was flying past as she went. She nearly jumped from excitement when she found Aladdin playing on the Disney Channel. She was pretty positive her mom could hear her squeal from the kitchen.

Her excitement intensified when she heard the doorbell, her heart thumping so hard she was certain it was causing her chest to vibrate. She pulled the sheets over her arms, worried that the sight of the bruises would unnerve the brunette. She wanted to see the tanned girl relax around her, it was something she had yet to witness.

She could hear the velvety smooth voice that she had missed since the latina walked out of her hospital room days before. The simple sound caused Brittany's breath to catch in her chest.

"Brittany dear, Santana's here to see you. Friend from the hospital she says?" Her mom seemed to waddle as she entered the living room. "Oh I forgot to mention she was coming by sorry," Brittany said with an apologetic smile.

"Make yourself at home, dear," her mother motioned the latina to the loveseat across from Brittany before continuing, "I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything."

Santana couldn't seem to take her eyes off the way Brittany was cuddled into the pink and green blankets across from her. She wasn't sure if it was the missing white walls or that the blonde seemed to have a certain glow surrounding her but something was very different. She rubbed her hands quietly across the knees of her jeans trying to make them less damp, her nerves getting the best of her. She felt so anxious yet so peaceful at the same time.

"I, uhm-" Santana began but was cut off by Brittany's voice replacing her own, "Did you find the place okay?"

Santana smiled, leaning back trying to will her body to relax fully. "Yea, I just googled it," she managed to breathe out.

"Awesome, did you go to visit your uncle? How is he?" Brittany let the sheets slip a little down her arms before making eye contact with the girl in front of her. She had missed the deep caramel eyes, even if it had only been a few days. They seemed lighter than before and Brittany quickly hated her mother for the way she arranged the furniture, preventing her from getting a closer look.

Santana broke the silence and the eye contact, shifting nervously. "Eh, the same. Noise. People. Sadness. But we have talked with doctors and are considering bringing him home for his final days." Brittany noticed that she clamped her wrist tightly with one hand, rubbing circles almost absently.

"Oh wow, I'm sorry Santana." Brittany gulped.

"No need." Santana reached both hands up and tangled them in her hair before pulling it up into a messy bun that sat on top of her head. Brittany couldn't help but notice how perfectly her hair fell- framing her face without any effort. She could see that the the girl was hiding something, maybe even holding something in and it made Brittany's heart ache to see her friend in pain.

There was a period of silence where neither girl spoke or broke eye contact, and the genie singing 'Prince Ali' on the TV seemed to blare in their ears. It wasn't until Brittany tried to move her arm that the silence was broken by a loud gasp.

"What's wrong," Santana was up quickly and had moved by the blonde's side.

"My uhm, my arm it's just sore from this afternoon." Brittany tried to reposition it herself, but Santana was already pulling the sheet over her arm to help.

"What the fuck- Brittany...Why does your arm look like someone took a hammer to you in Lima Heights?" she ran her fingers slowly across Brittany's arm causing the pale skin to raise with tiny bumps.

"It's nothing. It's just from all the IV sticks. My forearm just hurts from the collapsed vein, it'll be better in a day or so," Brittany said in her best calm voice. She didn't want the latina to know she currently had a buzzing sensation coursing through her body from her simple touch.

"How do you, I mean...damn" Santana started but couldn't finish her thought, nor could she take her eyes off Brittany's arm.

"Stop looking at me like I'm broken." Brittany's voice effectively broke Santana's stare. She opened her mouth as if to speak but shut it just as quickly. Brittany decided to change the subject, as it was obvious Santana was feeling uncomfortable.

"Let's have a chat about how you changed your name in my phone. I was shocked to learn that I had a contact named 'It be Snix yo' this morning," Brittany said with a wink.

"Snix did it, I have no control." Santana smirked and Brittany could tell she had succeeded in distracting the girl.

"Well then, Snix can fix it." She tossed her phone to the brunette who rolled her eyes before kneeling down by the couch.

"I think it's clever, if imma be real." Santana laughed as she continued messing with the phone.

"I'm sure you do, San." Brittany rolled her eyes and chuckled.

Santana's fingers stopped jabbing at the keyboard when Brittany had referred to her as 'San'. It wasn't that she didn't like the nickname or that it was unusual, it was more so that it felt more personal coming from the blonde. Santana felt her heart rate increase as she watched the blonde laugh at something on TV, her head leaning back heavily. In the past few weeks that she had known the girl she had never heard her laugh quite like this, and it was a beautiful sound. It surprised her how much she loved it. In fact, Santana knew she could sit on the floor for the rest of the night without speaking and be perfectly content just listening to Brittany ramble and laugh at Aladdin. The thought freaked her out.

"It feels so great to be home," Brittany's voice cut through Santana's train of thought. "Except now my mom is trying to make me into a water balloon." Santana looked confused, following the blonde's line of sight to two large glasses of water.

"I'd hope so, you need to drink to keep your strength up." Santana finished the girl's phone but held it in her hands anyway. She liked holding on to something that belonged to the blonde.

"Ugh, not you too? It makes me feel sick. Bleh" Brittany stuck out her tongue in disgust as she snuggled a little into her blankets.

"You're gonna go back to the hospital, and I don't know about you but I hate that place." Santana sighed grabbing a glass of water and holding it up to Brittany. "Please, if you can't do it for you, then do it for me."

Brittany sighed before picking up the glass, downing it in 4 gulps. Santana looked shocked yet at the same time relieved. One glass down. "Thank you," she let go of the phone in her lap to reach up and rub Brittany's hand.

Brittany sucked in all the air she was capable of, her body lighting up as if it were on fire. This was definitely a new feeling, she could even feel the tips of her ears burn. It wasn't painful, it was blissful and she didn't want the feeling, whatever it was, to stop. She carefully turned her hand over so that her palm was facing up and then slinked out her fingers to hold the latina's hand to her own. She felt the girl's muscles tense briefly before relaxing against her skin.

"I already feel sick." Brittany eased her eyes shut before taking in a shallow breath. She wasn't sure if her inability to breathe was because she had Santana's hand inside her own or because she felt like she was about to projectile all the water. Maybe both.

"What can I do? I'm not good at this sort of thing, I'm never sick." Brittany opened one eye in time to see a very worried Santana. Her eyebrows were furrowed deeply and her eyes were no longer caramel but a deeper shade of brown.

"Crossing your finger's isn't just for kids you know," Brittany started as she kept her eyes shut.

"Huh?" Santana's expression changed almost immediately.

"I found out today that if you cross your fingers and there's a leprechaun nearby that your wishes could actually come true. Which also reminds me, I think my doctor is Irish." Brittany opened one eye and nearly laughed at the latina's expression. She looked so confused.

"Right, too bad mine was born in Utah." Santana rolled her eyes.

"That is unlucky." Brittany frowned, "But I'm sure you can google Irish doctors and find a whole list."

Santana was so confused but decided not to probe further into what it meant for Brittany. She had learned in the short amount of time she knew the girl that it was better to just agree than to ask questions. Besides, the latina didn't really care. All she could focus on was the feeling of the blonde's warm skin underneath her hand. Santana glanced at Brittany's closed eyes before she carefully picked up her hand, tracing circles on the girl's palm and finger pads.

Brittany didn't say a word. She wasn't sure she would be able to speak even if she had something to say. So instead she left her eyes closed and tried to focus on the nausea feeling in the pit of her stomach. It was being overpowered by the buzzing feeling that had spread down her body reaching her toes before tingling out.

Santana leaned down resting her head next to Brittany's hip, as she continued to draw absently on Brittany's palm. It surprised her how calming it was, even though she wasn't the one that needed to calm down. She felt completely peaceful. It was like everything else about the day and the week had drifted away and all that existed was the tiny electric current between her fingers and Brittany's skin.

"San," the blonde's voice sounded slightly groggy but she made no attempt to open her eyes or move.

Santana blinked slowly, her eyelids feeling heavy, before letting out a soft murmur from inside her chest, "mmhmm."

"I-I think," she began but stopped, her chest rising higher with each breath. With each breath deeper than the last, Santana felt the girl's leg jerk slightly. "I think I missed you."

Santana felt her cheeks flush and her heart race inside her chest, the bubbly feeling in her body had changed to pure heat. She thought about removing her hand, unsure of what it meant to feel the way she felt. But something bigger than uncertainty prevented her.

"I think I missed you too."


	7. I'll Run Free Too

**(A/N)** Another update, shocker, I know! Hopefully it'll be like this (or quicker) from now on, the reviews totally motivate me to get it updated sooner! Thanks to all the readers and the reviews-it helps to know everyone's opinions and that its actually worth continuing:)

* * *

**Chapter 6- I'll Run Free Too**

A duet of blonde hair twirled and danced on stage completely dressed in black from head to toe, nearly blending in with the black curtain and lights behind them. Artie and Mike were shrugging their shoulders to the beat, while the rest of the members sat quietly taking in the performance. Santana scoffed and leaned further back in the uncomfortable theater seat, her arms now folded across her chest. She wasn't sure what was more disgusting: the fact that it was blatantly obvious that they were gettin' it on outside of school, or that their performance was lame. Sure the dark colors suited the latina's tastes but the fact that everything was black seemed to be taking the assignment of fear too literally.

Finn leaned over without taking his eyes off the stage, making his presence known by nudging Santana with his elbow. The girl seemed to be irritated that he interrupted her hatred of the current performance before raising her eyebrows in annoyance, not giving him the satisfaction of eye contact.

"How are you enjoying the number with a scowl like that? Relax," he moved his eyes over her face searching for some kind of reaction. He was positive there was no way she could make a sane contribution as to what song to use for Nationals if she didn't have an open mind.

"Did I ask you to give me an opinion on my facial expressions, or is that something you decided in your pea sized brain all on your own?" Santana was clearly annoyed by his comment, making sure she lowered her glare and gave him her best bitch look. He could judge _that_ expression.

Finn didn't make a move to look away, instead he sat completely still with that startled expression still present on his face. Santana tilted her head to the side as if she was actually interested in a response. When nothing came, she took it as a signal to continue, " Do I need to play a note on my ma-gi-cal instrument in order to get you to move, or can you do _that_ all on your own too?" Her brows were raised as if she actually asked him a question when they both knew he wasn't going to answer.

As Finn moved back two seats down, she returned her gaze onto the bleached twins on stage, rolling her eyes. Sam had, at some point when she was talking to Finn, ripped off his jacket and was left in a white undershirt that stood out strongly against the black surrounding them. Quinn had done similar with her dress and was now clothed in a skin tight white bodysuit of sorts causing Santana to laugh out loud. She brought her hand to her mouth quickly, looking over at Mr. Schue hoping he hadn't heard her. She was met with his small eyes staring back at her, his face stern. She straightened her face out quickly and returned her arms across her chest. How typical of them to take the lesson of the week so literally. They had darkness flooding them on stage, only to break through in white as if they were overcoming the fear. Completely unoriginal.

In all fairness, she couldn't judge too harshly. At least they took time to prepare for their number in advance. Though lame, they made it look presentable. Santana had prepared to search for a song at Brittany's but the night didn't work out as she had planned, not that she was really complaining. She saw Quinn spinning, her skirt making a perfect circle around her tiny waist but it seemed blurry. The music that was once loud seemed to drift off and soon all she heard was her own breathing. It was silent, she felt under water again.

_Santana felt a hand on her shoulder before she even opened her eyes. She couldn't remember where she was, all she could feel was the stiffness in her back and how badly her arm ached. That and whatever was rubbing on her shoulder. She tried to open her eyes but they wouldn't budge, not even a sliver of light peaked through. Again she felt rubbing on her shoulder before she heard her name being whispered, giving her eyes the strength to flutter._

"_Shhh, it's okay." Her eyes focused on an older blonde woman hunched over her awkwardly. "You both fell asleep, it's getting late and I don't want your parents to worry." _

_Santana shifted, wincing as she finally moved her back into a new position. She nodded to the woman, who rubbed her shoulder gently before standing. The latina blinked slowly, trying to allow her eyes time to adjust to the light in the room. She moved to rub her eyes, her hand getting caught in the process causing her to turn abruptly. That's when she remembered. _

_Blonde hair cascaded down the edge of the couch and around the face of Brittany, her knees drawn up to her chest. Her hands were snuggled under her neck, the latina's hand intertwined between them. _

_Santana immediately felt her entire body flush with heat and an aching pain course through her arm. She blinked slowly, her eyes feeling like sandpaper as she tried to make sure she wasn't dreaming the blonde lying on the couch. The girl's hair was moving slightly with each puff of air that escaped her lips and for what seemed like hours, Santana watched. Even though her arm was begging to be moved having long gone numb and her shoulder ached, she couldn't bring herself to move away from Brittany. She couldn't help but notice the way she could feel the sleeping girl's heartbeat and her breath caught in her chest creating a lump in her throat. She forced it down, looking back towards the door as the blonde's mother appeared again. _

"_She's a snuggler but don't worry she's a heavy sleeper." The woman smiled lightly._

_She hesitantly pulled her arm from the warmth of the blonde, watching as she adjusted to its absence. Santana could have sworn she saw a frown start to poke at the sides of Brittany's face, but just as quickly as it appeared- it was gone. _

_Santana stood up quietly before reaching over and picking up the blanket that had fallen off the blonde at some point during her movements. After she had placed it on the girl's legs, she grabbed her backpack and turned to look at the blonde once more before leaving. Santana took a sharp breath as she noted mentally how beautiful the girl truly was. Her pale skin seemed to reflect the light in the room, as did her blonde hair and the tips of her eyelashes. The few freckles that scattered across her nose were barely noticeable in this lighting and Santana found herself missing them. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she glanced at the blonde's hands holding onto air where the latina's hand had once been. Santana rubbed her fingers across her hand before looking away quickly, making eye contact with the older woman. _

"_Let her know I'll text her tomorrow, thanks for having me Mrs. Pierce." She mumbled quickly before hurrying out the door and down the steps not really leaving the woman time to respond. _

_Santana flung her items across the car into the passenger seat, closing the door behind her. She immediately turned on the radio, trying to clear her mind from thinking or feeling whatever it was she was doing back at Brittany's house. Her body trembled slightly. _

_The music blared loudly the entire way home, forcing the latina to focus on the vibrating within her ear canals instead of the girl she left 10 minutes ago. She made no attempt to loiter as she climbed out of her car and practically ran to her door, the silence overwhelming her after the loud car ride. She didn't even have time to lock the door before her eyes focused on her hand as she remembered how it looked clutched next to Brittany. She mentally hit herself for not being able to make it to her room without her brain going into overdrive. _

_Somehow she managed to reach her room before changing quickly into her pajamas and climbing in bed with her laptop. For 3 hours she searched the internet for a song selection for the next day, and nothing was popping out at her. In this moment she hated glee club. She wanted nothing more than to get all those crazy thoughts out of her head and to stop searching for a song she didn't want to sing in the first place. _

_Santana never enjoyed anyone's company, and the more she thought about it the scarier it became that she enjoyed Brittany's. What made her so special? She felt her eyelids try to drift shut as she thought again about a pale arm tangled next to hers. Shaking her head, she continued to flip through web pages until she found something that caused her brows to furrow. She looked down at her hands before back at the screen, ignoring the tingling sensation that seemed to buzz around her fingers. Ignoring everything completely._

"Santana!" Mr. Schue was standing a row in front of the latina, his arms stiffly attached to his hips and his lips pursed. Santana snapped her head up letting out a breath she didn't know she had been holding in. She could feel the air flowing past her lips leaving them tingling in it's wake.

"Care to give your opinion?" Santana couldn't help looking over and noticing the smug look that seemed to be sewn onto Finn's face. She half wished he was within slapping distance. "I'd love to, Mr. Schue," she seemed to enunciate each syllable in his name as she spoke, "but I was really _too_ distracted by the flapping lips and Quinn's batting eyelashes to process an opinion."

The older man in front of her pinched his eyes between his fingers, slowly exhaling before slapping his hands down to his side. "That's enough." Santana could tell he meant what he said, as his eyes didn't seem shiny but instead dull and nearly lifeless. "It's your turn, hopefully your classmates will give you more respect than you showed them."

Santana felt fluttering inside her belly and a weird prickling deep in her throat. It wasn't that she hated singing in front of people, because she actually thrived off it, but it was more so the fact that she hadn't prepared at all for this performance. Having found the song last night, she listened to it non stop on the way to cheerio practice just to learn the words- but she had yet to run through singing it solo. As she stood up, she shook herself slightly to get her outfit to fall into place. It was a one piece with shorts and a top that fell delicately off one shoulder. It was made of a satin type fabric that seemed to glide against her skin with each movement. It had been in the back of her closet for months but she never felt the urge to wear it- blue definitely wasn't her color, she preferred black. However, this morning as she threw hanger by hanger on the floor looking for something to wear, this outfit stuck out. The bright blue shimmered and Santana was transported back to a time when she stared into eyes of the exact same color.

Now that she was standing in the middle of the stage, her heart ached a little at the thought. She felt her fingers tremble slightly against the microphone stand as she grabbed it firmly before she heard the music begin to play; acoustic, just as she requested.

_I feel these 4 walls closing in_

_My face up against the glass_

_I'm looking out...hmm_

_Is this my life I'm wondering_

_It happened so fast _

_How do I turn this around_

Santana could feel her palms sweating as she grabbed the mic to move slowly across the stage her voice never faltering as she continued to sing. She noticed how still everything was around her, even everyone watching seemed to be motionless.

_All I want is the wind in my hair_

_To face the fear but, not feel scared_

Santana didn't even realize how much effort she was putting into the performance, but her chest felt it. It was almost as if everything she had been bottling up lately was coming out disguised in the words of the song. The tiny hairs on her arms were tingling and her hair seemed to float without gravity as she moved her body effortlessly to the music.

_If only that someone was me_

_Jumping head first headlong without a thought_

_To act and damn the consequence_

_How I wish it could be that easy_

_But fear surrounds me like a fence_

_I wanna break free_

Suddenly Santana forgot where she was and she felt as though she were in complete blackness, the only sound was music lightly in the background. Her chest heaved and her eyes stung behind the tears that were starting to gather around the edges of her make up. She really should have practiced this once at home, she felt like her entire body was too heavy to move. She found herself kneeling on the floor, the blue reflecting the one light she was able to make out.

_Throwing caution to the wind_

_I'll run free too_

_Wish I could recklessly love_

_like I'm longing to_

The darkness that had surrounded the Latina seconds earlier now seemed to be fading as she stood up and made her way over to a stool that was waiting perfectly center stage. Her breath threatened to stagger but she forbid it from happening. Not now. Not yet.

_All I want is the wind in my hair_

_To face the fear, but not feel scared_

Santana heard the music slowly fade out as she brought the mic to her lap and let out a shaky breath. Her hands were still shaking and her heart hammered heavily inside her rib cage. She didn't let a single tear fall, and for that she was proud. It was only then, once the music stopped that she noticed her classmates, still motionless. She made a slight cough, tricking herself into feeling better as she hopped off the stage and made her way to her seat as everyone began to clap.

"Wow, Santana! I will say I am shocked by the amount of depth you added to that performance. It had a soul. I wasn't expecting that from you," he shook his head with a big smile on his face.

"Because... _Berry_ is the only one who can contort her face like Streisand and make you feel moved?" Santana had her eyebrows arched.

"Not at all. Everyone in this club has talent and it just shocks me how much we have. Picking a song for Nationals is definitely going to be harder this year." Mr. Schue rubbed his chin before going on another rant about how important song selection was. Santana could feel Rachel's eyes staring into her, trying to penetrate her soul. She never gave in, even though she wanted to stare back and instead grabbed her phone when she heard it buzz in her purse. Her smile faded as the name wasn't the one she had been expecting.

_INBOX QUINN: Wow. So whose the guy that has you feeling so 'one with your feelings' ;)_

_SENT: Shut it Fabray. It was just a performance._

Santana couldn't bring herself to make eye contact with the girl, as she had no idea what was going on inside her own head much less what was going on in Quinn's. She did find it weird; however, that all she kept picturing after Quinn's text wasn't a _guy_ at all. It was Brittany.

* * *

It had been days since the latina had hopped off the stage finishing up her performance in glee club. She had found herself extremely busy with Sue adding extra practices to prepare them for Nationals in a few weeks. It didn't stop her mind from racing nor did it stop her from contacting the blonde through texts a few times. Mostly just to check on her but also to set up another time to hang out.

With Santana's uncle coming home from the hospital on hospice, it had shut down a big window of opportunity for her to hang out. She was able to finally carve out some time Saturday night and had immediately texted the blonde to make sure she could have company. Since their conversation earlier in the morning, the latina was having trouble controlling the happiness that seemed to fill her spirit at the thought of seeing the girl tomorrow. She felt silly as it had only been 3 days but for some reason she felt as though it had been longer. She knitted her brows together in thought upon realizing she had never missed anyone the way she was missing Brittany. Not even during the summers when Quinn would go with her family on vacation for a month, did the brunette feel an achy feeling in her gut. It surprised her and scared her at the same time.

She quietly let out a puff of air that she didn't realize she had been holding as she flipped through the pages of the last issue of Cosmo.

"Hey hoe, are we gonna do this or what?" Santana looked up half annoyed as her cousin stood in front of her with a stack of cards, her curly hair piled on top of her head.

Jocelyn was a year younger than Santana and was the closest thing she ever had to a sister. She practically lived at the latina's house every summer growing up and for a while Santana remembered questioning where the girl actually lived. They were inseparable throughout their early teens and Santana remembered every sleepover and every conversation until it all changed. Jillian was born nearly two years ago, the result of a dumb mistake her cousin made, a severe lack of judgement Santana reminded her. It changed the way their relationship was and even though no one could imagine life without Jillian, Santana wished sometimes that they could go back in time. To a time where they did mad libs and stayed up late watching Buffy before falling asleep as the sun began to rise. All of that is harder with a toddler running around; but Santana had to give her cousin credit, she stood up to the plate when many in her position didn't. Santana shook her head as she thought of Quinn, realizing no two situations were ever alike.

The girl in front of her was far more petite but had the same huge brown eyes and pouty lips that Santana was well known for along with a dose of her own bitchiness. Since her dad had been brought home yesterday, Santana had been staying with Jocelyn hoping to provide some kind of moral support. Though she knew she wasn't really the best at that sort of thing.

"You know imma win, so why try?" Santana smirked as she put the magazine down and scooted over allowing Jocelyn to share the couch.

They hadn't spoken about the fact that Jocelyn's dad was in the back bedroom with a hospice nurse, nor did they talk about what it meant that he had been brought home. It was one of the great understandings the two had, and one of the main reasons why they were so close. Her cousin knew and accepted the fact that Santana kept her feelings at a distance and in a way Jocelyn kept hers hidden as well. It's why they got along so well, why they always had.

"Whatever, keep talkin smack." Jocelyn smirked over the rim of her glasses, her long nails scraping each card as she dealt.

Santana rolled her eyes before using one of Jillians blankets to cover up as she grabbed her phone out of her purse. She quickly texted Brittany.

_SENT: Hey:) How are you feeling? Just wanted to make sure we were still on for tomorrow at 8? I'm looking forward to it- hope you picked a good disney movie for us;)_

Jocelyn had already picked up her cards and was examining them closely as she set music to play off her laptop. Some heavy rap song began booming out of her tiny inadequate speakers and it made Santana chuckle.

"Way to announce to the neighbors that we are_ in fact_ in Lima Heights just in case they forgot"

Jocelyn didn't make a snippy comment back but instead stuck her lips out in a classic duck face and crossed her arms roughly across her chest. Santana let out a loud laugh and soon both girls were in a fit of giggles. Santana wiped the rim of her eye which was damp from laughing as she grabbed her phone to check for messages. Her inbox was empty.

Throughout the duration of the game, Santana must have checked her phone 20 times to see if the blonde had responded, only to be let down with no notifications each time. She started to feel a knot forming in her stomach as her mind wandered into various possibilities as to why. She was just entertaining the idea of Brittany collapsed in the middle of the kitchen floor when Jocelyn broke her thoughts.

"Damn, never thought I'd see the day my cuz would be so obsessed with someone she checked her phone like a valley girl." She smirked before placing two cards down and drawing another from the deck.

Santana felt a blush start to creep its way onto her cheeks and her fingers trembled slightly- her cards shaking a little. She took a split second to gather herself before she took her phone and tossed it behind her on the couch rolling her eyes. "Just because people actually _want_ to talk to me, doesn't mean I'm obsessed with them, whore." She had a sly smirk spread across her face but inside her heart was hammering and she felt heat radiating from her chest. Jocelyn seemed unphased by her insult, rolling her eyes. "Prick."

Santana was about to retaliate when her aunt made her way into the room causing Jocelyn to immediately lower the volume on her computer.

"Your papi is asking for you," her voice was slightly hoarse and Santana tilted her head wondering if she had been crying. In a second, her cousin had hopped up from the couch and was disappearing through the doorway. Her aunt waited against the doorframe and Santana could hear the click of the bedroom door shutting before she made any attempt to move.

"Tia Sylvia..." she started to speak but was silenced when her aunt leaned down and kissed the top of her head causing Santana's eyes to close in sadness. The woman left her lips pressed into the girl's scalp for what seemed like minutes but Santana estimated it was probably less than 30 seconds in reality. Her aunt didn't say anything when she straightened up, she only made her way to the kitchen and started wiping down the counters.

Santana felt her eyes start to sting alerting her that her emotions were front and center. She leaned her head back, hoping they would just soak back into wherever they came from. Hoping to distract herself she grabbed her phone and a smile formed on her face when she saw a name blinking with 2 new messages.

INBOX BRITT: Hi to you:) I'm feeling better!

INBOX BRITT: Oh! and I'm excited too, I didn't even get to say goodbye last time! Promise I won't be lame tomorrow;)

Santana felt her cheeks flush again as she re read her messages, feeling a slight ache in her chest. Jocelyn was way off when she thought Santana was obsessed with someone, she just was really eager to hear from the girl about their plans tomorrow. At least this is what she told herself repeatedly in her head. The latina quickly gathered the cards that were spread across the couch and prepared the TV for a movie. Even though she felt extremely tired from a day at school and three cheerio practices along with a glee booty camp, Santana felt no urge to go home. She knew Jocelyn wouldn't be sleeping much tonite and she wasn't about to leave her in the deafening silence alone.

* * *

Santana couldn't explain the feelings that were coursing through her veins at 100 miles an hour even if her life depended on it. In a way it felt like she had a type of carbonated liquid that sloshed just beneath her skin and the latina wondered if tiny bubbles would be present if she closely inspected herself. The tingling sensation was definitely a new feeling for Santana, a feeling that excited her but also nearly scared her into not arriving on the porch she currently stood on.

She closed her eyes and felt herself sway a little with a loss of balance. She hated to admit that she had taken time to prepare for tonite instead of coming straight from Jocelyn's in her sweats. She had chosen a pair of faded skinny jeans with a flowing tank top, she didn't want to seem too over dressed or worse like she was trying to impress someone. Even though her hands were slightly jittery, she reached up and rang the doorbell before immediately returning her hand by her side.

Brittany had been curled up on the couch, nibbling on her thumb nail when the doorbell rang throughout her house. The whimsical noise causing her heart to leap and nearly skip a beat as she threw back the covers and stood up slowly, determined to answer the door herself. "Sit down, I have it." Her mother's voice could be heard from the kitchen and judging by the sound of footsteps she was closer to the door than the blonde. "Mom, I need to get up anyway. Just let me be normal and answer the door." Her eyes were a dull blue as she silently pleaded with her mother, giving her intense side glances.

The blonde wasn't sure if it was the fact that she was standing or if it was the anticipation of opening the door but regardless her head seemed to float above her body. Her entire body seemed to be cold, even a shiver ran up the length of her spine before dispersing at the base of her neck. She suddenly was very aware of the wood floor beneath her feet causing her toes to clench together from the icy cold. It wasn't very clear how it happened, but somehow the blonde had made it to the door. Her breathing became a little irregular as she noticed the shadow shifting positions through the frosted glass.

"Hey!" The blonde had barely opened the door before her mouth had already started conversation, probably out of nervousness.

"Hi Britt, I didn't expect you answering the door." Santana's eyes were wide as she took in the girl that stood before her. All the way from her socked feet to the loose strands of shiny hair that fell from her pony tail. Brittany moved aside as she watched Santana glide inside and make her way into the living room.

"So did you pick out a disney movie for us," Santana turned slightly on her foot to glance over her shoulder at the slowly moving blonde. "Do you need help?"

The blonde shook her head as she shuffled slowly back to her spot on the couch. Santana couldn't help but notice every movement and the way the girl's body seemed stronger than it had day's before. Brittany leaned to pile her blankets on one side of the couch, her tank top hiking up a little, exposing her lower back. Santana's eyes fell immediately from the pile of pillows to the pale skin that had suddenly been revealed as she felt a blush start to prickle at her cheeks. She forced her eyes away trying to focus on the hands that fidgeted in her own lap. Even though she was constantly telling herself not to look up, she did anyway. Her eyes seemed to be taking in every inch of exposed skin while her brain was making a mental note of where each freckle lived. Santana chewed on her lower lip subconsciously as she glanced up into the face of the blonde, blue orbs staring straight into her own.

"What?" Brittany questioned as she furrowed her brow slightly, a smirk pulling at the corner of her lips.

Santana felt her entire face flush. She had just been caught staring. The girl in front of her would definitely think she was weird now, if not a little creepy. She brought her hand up, brushing her hair with her fingers roughly before making eye contact with the girl again. Her eyes were brighter than when she first arrived, and their intensity caught the latina off guard. "I...uhm, I was just thinking about my performance in glee club. Guess I spaced out." She kicked herself inside for such a dumb response. Glee was the furthest thing from her mind and she definitely didn't feel like talking about anything associated with it.

"Oh!" Brittany had a grin sloppily placed on her face as she continued, "wait, what do you do in glee club?"

"Don't they have one at your school?" The latina was beyond curious as to how the blonde could have been kept in the dark for so long.

Brittany was quiet for a long moment before she finally gave a shy smile towards the brunette. "I've been homeschooled since I got sick, so I don't really know if my mom has a glee club or not. If she does she hasn't told me how to participate."

Santana let out a small chuckle as she maintained eye contact with Brittany, wondering if she was going to continue. It all made sense when Santana began putting the pieces together in her head; the day she asked about going to school and all her confusion regarding glee club. The latina was annoyed at herself for not figuring it out sooner. Homeschooling made complete sense, not that everything with Brittany had to make sense. In fact, a lot of things surrounding the blonde were completely mind boggling.

"That's pretty dope, I would love chillin' at home all day." Santana realized she was still staring into bright pools that she could tell were sparkling, even from far away.

"It sounds better than it actually is. Sure I can study when I want and stay in my pajamas on the couch, but that can get old after a while. At some point you lose sight of what it means to get ready for the day and what it's like to talk to people your own age." Brittany finally broke eye contact as she messed with the rim of her shirt, her heart rate finally seeming to level out.

"And as far as I know, there aren't any clubs like in regular schools. Or sports, I've always wanted to do soccer." Brittany paused again, glancing up and making eye contact with the brunette again, "or cheerleading, like you."

Santana felt a slight tingle in her throat when her eyes were glued again to icy ocean orbs. "Well, my favorite is glee club. But if you ever repeat that to anyone and I mean anyone, including your mother or that cat I saw walking around the other day, I'll release Snix and deny it."

"Oh! You saw Lord Tubbington! But...he can totally keep a secret. He still hasn't told my mom I broke her favor..." she paused before glancing around the room suspiciously "He's just good at keeping secrets."

"Is he now? I'll have to remember that." Santana smiled as she saw the blonde's face continue to glow with the topic of conversation directed towards her overly chubby cat.

"So what is glee club like?" Brittany tried to get her smile under control but for some reason the more she stared at the brunette the wider it got. She even thought about spiders and the dark but nothing seemed to tear the smile away.

"We basically just sing and dance. Our crew recently won Regionals so we all have been preparing to compete in Nationals. Other schools have similar clubs and we get judged on who is better." Santana finished her sentence with a nod, pretty proud of her concise explanation.

"Wow, what was your performance on that has you so lost in thought?"

Santana rolled her eyes and sighed deeply remembering the anxiety she felt before she took the stage. It was quickly replaced by tiny prickles in her throat as she remembered the night before and the way the blonde's hand fit perfectly in her own. Her breathing quickened immediately and she swallowed trying to hide it. "It was dumb. The topic was fear so I chose this song and did maximum singing with minimal dancing since it was more of an emotional solo."

"What song did you sing? Was it that song from Tarzan when the mamma gorilla is holding the baby, that makes me emotional every time." Brittany had her eyebrows arched and the brunette couldn't help but notice how cute she looked.

"No, a song I had never heard of until..." Santana glanced down before deciding whether or not to share when she found the song. She returned her gaze to meet the blondes before continuing, "I found it the night I left you earlier this week."

"Can you sing it for me?" Brittany was nearly kneeling on the couch as if she was going to start begging the latina to perform.

Santana immediately felt her cheeks flush, "I can't."

"Please!" Brittany did her best to contort her face into a sad puppy. She jutted out her lips and made her eyes as wide as possible. She even let her lip quiver slightly. Santana felt her heart throb at the sight of Brittany pouting; she wasn't positive but she was pretty sure she would do whatever it took to get the look off the girls face.

"Britt, you'll hear me sing eventually." She paused noticing the girl's face becoming a more serious pout as if she were genuinely sad this time. "But I can offer you a front row seat to hear the song on YouTube."

Brittany sighed before picking up her laptop from the ground beside her, she huffed overly loud on purpose. "Fine, come show me."

Santana felt her entire body tense and suddenly she felt frozen and unable to move. She could tell Brittany was busy navigating her computer as her eyes scanned the screen in front of her. She cleared her throat loudly before standing up and making her way over to the opposite loveseat. Brittany had left her a small amount of room to sit, nearly guaranteeing the fact that their bodies would meet in the middle.

Brittany looked up at her and it caused Santana's breathing to momentarily get caught in her chest. Her eyes were far more captivating up close and despite looking so bright she actually noticed that it seemed to have dark blue splashed with light around her pupil. "Sit and show me," the blonde's voice nearly made the latina jump as she eased herself down slightly. She exhaled slowly as she felt the blonde's skin brush against her own leaving a trail of electricity. She nearly gasped but caught herself. Brittany looked at the brunette feeling her tense up, her own arm seemed to burn at their contact. She was nearly positive Santana would be able to hear her heart beating, if not feel it.

Brittany moved slightly to type in the web address causing her arm to lose contact with the girl next to her. She immediately noticed the cold air that took its place as she tapped her finger on the keyboard waiting for the page to load. Santana didn't know why but instead of wishing for the page to load she was wishing for the girl to lean back on the couch so their arms could touch again. It sent such an amazing rush throughout her body that she never wanted it to stop.

Brittany let out a loud huff as she fiddled with the wireless settings, her fingers moving across the mousepad quickly. "The internet seems to be down," Brittany said with another pout before minimizing the window. "But I totally have a great idea, you'll love it."

"Webcam time! Come on, pose!" Brittany moved quickly to put her hands under her chin before the flash went off and her picture was on the screen. "San, you didn't even pose," she pouted.

Santana sat up and moved over, positioning herself so she was in the screenshot properly. She was suddenly grateful that she had chosen to go home and shower before meeting up with the blonde. Brittany felt her body cover with chills as the brunette brushed her arm against her side. She also noticed how incredible Santana smelt as a rush of an intense floral fruit smell overtook her nose. It nearly made her light headed but she tried to focus on the computer as she pressed the button and posed again.

"Brittany your eyes are totally closed!" Santana laughed.

Brittany couldn't stop laughing at her picture, she nearly had tears running down her face. "Fine, another one." This time she took her hand and made a claw like shape, hiding it behind the latina and waiting until the camera began to count down before she brought it out at the last second. She nearly lost it when the picture appeared on the screen and Santana's jaw dropped. It looked like someone was about to attack the brunette as she made a scared face. It was perfect timing.

Brittany felt a tiny nudge in her side as the latina jabbed with her elbow, "Oh my god, that's not fair, way to ruin my picture."

"Whatever, next," Brittany was still trying to hide her giggles when she made a peace sign and jutted her lips out, squinting her eyes. Santana did the same.

"That's totally my favorite," Santana moved her hand to point accidentally brushing the blonde's hand with the tips of her fingers.

Brittany quickly glanced down before nodding her head in agreement. "Definitely. Let's do a series, like in a real photo booth. Everything happens so quick, I bet it will be hilarious."

Santana nodded and moved herself to be in the shot as the blonde leaned back and brought the camera closer to their faces. "Total face shot," the blonde giggled before turning to look at Santana, their noses only a couple inches apart. Brittany could feel the warm breath of the latina as she exhaled, covering her skin like silk. She saw the girl's cheeks start to rise in a smile as she felt her own do the same before turning suddenly back at the screen. Santana breathed out quickly as her entire body tried to release the heat that seemed to be held captive by her skin.

"GO." Brittany nearly shouted as she pressed the button and the countdown began.

First it was a funny face, then a sad face, followed by a scared one before it was a few milliseconds til the last shot and the latina shouted out "Kissy face!" Without thinking Brittany turned and placed a peck on the dimple in Santana's cheek, holding it there with her eyes closed until the flash illuminated, concluding the series.

Brittany pulled away slowly, noticing how tense the latina felt against her before she turned her attention to the computer. Santana was 100 percent positive that her heart wasn't beating at all, either that or it was doing it so fast it sounded like a hummingbird, only a slight hum. She could feel the heat radiating from her cheeks and with a side glance she could tell the blonde wore a similar shade. A million thoughts were racing through her head, yet her body was struggling to figure out what to feel or how to respond.

"They turned out great," Santana couldn't help but notice the way the blonde's voice seemed to shake as she clicked through the pictures.

"I uh.." Santana tried to speak but her tongue felt dry within her mouth. Her head was heavy with thought or maybe emotion, she wasn't sure. She felt the need to gasp for breath but she couldn't seem to get enough air to do so. The intense heat that seemed to radiate from her chest to her toes was getting unbearable and the more she felt the blonde move next to her, the worse it got.

"I forgot that I told my mom I would help her with some stuff for my uncle." Santana suddenly blurted out. She got up quickly before turning on her heels to look back at the blonde. She looked confused and there was a hint of something else but Santana felt too boggled down to figure it out.

"Oh..." Brittany didn't know what else to say, she felt like her heart went from racing to plummeting down an elevator shaft.

"I'll text you once I'm home, I'm sorry, I just completely forgot." Santana wasn't lying about being sorry, she just knew she felt out of control and she needed to get into familiar territory. She wanted to stay with the blonde but at the same time she was scared to.

"Okay, be careful driving. I'll see you soon?" Brittany covered herself up with the blankets on the couch while she kept eye contact with the brunette.

"Of course. I had a great time, I'm just...I'm sorry." Without saying anything else, Santana turned to leave, a little quicker than she had originally intended.

Brittany moved from the couch when she heard the front door close, slowly making her way to the window in the living room. Her entire body seemed to have the strength of an egg noodle and she was wasn't sure it was because she was sick this time. Carefully pulling the curtain back she watched as the thin latina hopped the steps and climbed inside her black sports car. The girl almost disappeared in the darkness, her hair completely out of sight. As she squinted she could make out the shape of her back and her forehead pressed against the steering wheel. She sat like that for over 5 minutes without moving and it almost made Brittany wonder if she was okay. Then without much warning, Brittany watched as the car came to life and the girl she had just had one of the best moments of her life with, sped out of her driveway.

* * *

**(A/N)** This was one of my favorite chapters to write so far! Hope you guys like it! Also here is the link for the song Santana sang at the beginning in case you are curious:) /watch?v=-f11ZV7I7n4

Tumblr: newvida . tumblr . com


	8. We're Gonna Fly Away

**Chapter 7: We're Gonna Fly Away**

It was louder than she remembered. It had been nearly 3 months since the blonde had so much as stepped foot into a public place and she winced at the sounds vibrating within her ears. She felt her chest shake a little as she inhaled a deep breath of crisp air into her lungs. She was finally back to her old self. Her mother still had her reservations and was being entirely overprotective, practically begging Brittany to let her join her for a trip to the mall.

As she walked down the cobblestone path that led to various stores that the blonde couldn't even pronounce she couldn't help but let her mind drift to Santana. If she tried hard enough she could picture the girl's face perfectly, the dimple in her cheek and the way her eyebrows arched when she was caught off guard. The more details she tried to remember the fuzzier the image in her head seemed to become until it seemed to be only dust floating with other memories in a dark void. It was replaced almost instantly by the sight of tail lights and a car speeding away in the dead of night. Brittany swallowed the knot that began to form in her throat.

She brought her hand up letting her fingertips graze the side of the buildings as she walked, her arm vibrating from the touch. Her arms were speckled with goosebumps, though she couldn't decide whether it was from the vibrations or the gentle whisper of the wind. She probably should be wearing a jacket of some sorts, she knew her mother would freak if she saw her without it, but for a second she just wanted to feel normal. Even if it was only temporary.

She dropped her hand long enough to walk past glass windows for a children's boutique before returning her hand to the wall, wisps of blonde hair falling loosely out of her bun to her shoulders. Every time she thought of the last time she saw the latina she felt a sharp pang in her gut. Sometimes it was pleasant and she felt her stomach bubble and tickle at the simple thought of the girl, and other times she had to literally stop what she was doing for the feeling to pass. She tried to tell herself that it was only because it had been so long since she had a true friend, that she simply loved her company. In truth she was scared to think of any other reason. She wasn't ready nor was she willing to consider other possibilities. She definitely didn't need stress once she was finally feeling better.

It wasn't like she tried to constantly think of the brunette; more so that the girl wouldn't leave her thoughts alone. She felt this thick attachment to her, flexible like rubber yet hard as cement. She felt her chest grow tight as a slight shudder ran through her body and she felt a tickling climb up her spine. She definitely should have worn a jacket.

Her sweatpants clung to the back of her heel, slightly dragging on the ground with each step she made. She didn't exactly prepare herself properly for going to the mall, she just threw on comfortable clothes and hurried to leave her house. She was entirely done with being cooped up, and now that she was feeling better she wanted to go places on her own. To be out with people her own age. To see that the world indeed moved on outside the four walls of her bedroom.

In front of her a young couple walked intertwined as the young boy placed a kiss on the shorter girl's cheek. They walked past the blonde causing a gust of air to spew in her direction, blonde hair scattering around her face. She couldn't help the immediate image that popped into her head and the raspy laughter that seemed to envelope her senses. She remembered the way her skin felt fire hot as it came into contact with the latina's when they were snapping photos on the couch. She remembered the way her heart seemed to race faster than a hum and how she had no control over the peck she placed on a tanned cheek. After all the girl did shout 'kissy face'. Now thinking back on it, she would have been safer to just make a pout with her own face. But again she felt like she had no control. Especially when the latina was around.

She had to shake her head as tail lights once again appeared before her eyes as if Santana had just left her house disappearing into the darkness. She could barely feel her fingertips, the vibrating sensation having caused her fingers to feel numb. She had her eyes watching her feet as she stepped into the center of each tile, carefully avoiding the cracks. She heard it again, the raspy laughter that always seemed to creep it's way into her head when she was trying to have alone time. She loved it but at the same time she cursed its presence as she stepped on a crack. She stomped her foot in annoyance and slowed her pace before glancing up her eyes growing wide.

She didn't know if she should stop or just keep walking, or if the feeling inside her chest would make her pass out so she wouldn't have to deal with it. A parade of red and white was in front of her. In an instant, the blonde realized that the laugh she thought was in her head had actually happened right in front of her as she brought her gaze up and made contact with deep brown orbs.

"Brittany?"

The sudden sound caused the blonde to slowly come to a stop as the 4 people in front of her slowed down as well when Santana had spoken.

"Woah Lopez, you know this chick? Totally not your normal clique," A tall boy in a letterman jacket smirked before jabbing his hands deep in his pockets. Another boy was with him, he had bright blonde hair and the biggest mouth Brittany had ever seen. She made a mental note to research the possibility of lip transplants, as she was sure the image before her was half man half fish.

Santana didn't make any move to speak. She felt her entire body radiate with heat and she felt her body panic. She knew questions were about to spring up out of everyone's large mouths. She eyed her best friend who was standing next to her in a matching cheerleading uniform. She could tell by the way she narrowed her eyes that she was judging the blonde, and Santana felt her nails dig into her palms as she clenched her fists.

Brittany felt a thick tension settle around them before shuddering again at the crisp breeze that wrapped itself around her like a blanket. Her eyes were burning from staring at Santana so long but as hard as she tried she couldn't bring herself to look away. Nor could she force herself to speak. This was why she didn't have any friends.

"..Hi," She finally managed to mutter, finally breaking eye contact to take note of the other's reactions. She felt like she was being gawked at. Her heart was hammering inside her rib cage at seeing the brunette again, even if the situation was extremely awkward.

"I've never seen you around, where do you go to school?" Quinn spoke quickly almost forbidding anyone else to speak instead.

Santana watched Quinn as she seemed nearly ready to attack. She glanced back at the blonde in front of her, noticing how her arms were covered with goosebumps. A lump seemed to find its way to her throat and she struggled to swallow it down before speaking.

"She's just some girl I ran into at the doctor's office yesterday when I went for my physical." Santana stuttered out, moving her hands to her hips.

"Oh please Santana, physicals were due in January." Quinn turned her glance towards the brunette before smirking.

"Shut it Fabray, Sue lost my copy, and I had to get a new one." Santana fueled the lie, not wanting to bring up her Uncle's hospital visits. That would open just a host of problems and she hated sharing anything personal or emotional with anyone. She didn't need them. She didn't need anyone.

She caught Brittany's eyes and could have sworn she saw disappointment and sadness traced in the blue flecks. Before she can contemplate the feelings that swarm beneath the pools before her, Brittany glances down and shuffles her feet. Santana silently curses herself but pushes past Quinn, hitting the girl with her shoulder. She doesn't say anything to her crew behind her, nor does she say anything to Brittany. She leaves. Afterall, she tells herself, thats what she is best at.

Quinn and Puck glanced at each other before smirking and following the latina. It isn't without an awkward moment of staring on Quinn's part, as she passed the shivering blonde in front of her. There is something that Santana isn't telling her, she is absolutely positive of it. And even if she isn't positive, the way the blonde glances back to watch them leave, proves that she is more than a girl in a doctors office.

* * *

For what seemed like hours Brittany felt grounded to the stone tile beneath her feet. In fact, she began to wonder if her feet might actually be glued down to the pebbled surface. She felt stuck. She couldn't explain the heavy feeling in her chest or why her eyes were suddenly stinging with a threat of releasing tears. She closed her eyes and carefully lifted one foot, thankful it moved freely before doing the same to the other. After a sigh she moved forward, continuing past the maternity and sporting stores before turning a loop to head towards the mall's exit. Santana acted like she was a nobody, a stranger. She kicked herself for actually thinking they were friends, or that they had a connection. It was really a simple fact but Brittany was turning it into a cobweb of data inside her head and it began to make her temples hurt.

She blinked slowly, thankful that the tears seemed to return to their point of origin as she continued past a few eateries smiling fakely at others who passed her. She wasn't used to this whole friend thing, but she knew enough to be upset about what had happened. All kinds of emotions were gurgling inside her suddenly and she felt so full of emotion that she stopped briefly to lean up against the wall. She had never felt so normal and exposed when she was around the brunette, but yet here she was hurting because of the same girl. It almost didn't make sense. In between sniffles the blonde shuffled her feet hitting a few pebbles and watching them bounce away. It was obvious to her then, that whatever she felt for the smaller girl wasn't reciprocated in the slightest. The truth? She didn't need her anymore. She didn't need the latina as her cling, and more importantly she didn't want her. Her body shivered involuntarily as if opposing the thought.

"Hey you," the raspy voice cut through the blonde's thoughts causing her to turn towards the sound. Brittany didn't say anything, instead she turned her attention back towards the ground and stared at her boots.

"Britt?" Santana asked, dipping her head slightly to get a better look at the blonde.

Brittany made no attempt to straighten her head, instead gripping her arms even tighter. The silence creating a near white noise in the smaller girl's head.

"Don't call me that."

Santana glanced sideways, her eyes searching for clarity. She was officially confused.

"And why not?"

"It's a nickname. Only Santa, my mom, Lord T, and friends use nicknames." Her voice was cold and flat causing the brunette to stiffen her position, crossing her arms in defense.

"Oka-ay?" She was really at a loss for words for probably the first time in her life. Brittany's emotionless words seemed to float within her ribcage, bouncing on each and every bone.

"And you're none of those." Brittany finally looked up to the girl in front of her, "Unless you forgot your big red suit"

"You've lost me." Santana breathed out slowly.

"I never had you. I'd like to think at one point we were friends, but I have recently come to my senses and realized I was never anything more than a distraction." Brittany's eyes finally met chocolate eyes and she felt her right knee give suddenly causing her to jerk. She fought the emotions swirling inside her, she knew she couldn't show her sadness. Not here.

"What are you talki-"

"Don't play dumb, Santana. Not to me"

It was hard to not start screaming in Spanish. Whenever the latina felt any sort of emotion her natural reaction was to either insult someone or yell at them. It usually winded up being a mix of English and Spanish. Regardless, it was a way to display her rage, because she sure as hell couldn't keep the beast inside. It was pointless now though, she couldn't do either, at least not to Brittany. And she hated it.

"I didn't mean to be rude earlier, Britt. I was just caught off guard. No one at school knows about me visiting the hospital." Santana took a tiny step towards the blonde, though she didn't miss the way the girl tensed against the wall.

"I don't do feelings. I don't do sharing." The latina shrugged her shoulders before dipping her head to try to get the blonde to make eye contact again. "I just didn't want them asking questions. I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter."

"Excuse me?" The brunette took another step.

"It doesn't matter that you don't do sharing. Or that you don't do feelings. You were okay with hurting me to make it easier for yourself. You treated me like a nobody." Brittany finally looked up again noticing the brunette to be slightly closer than before.

"I didn-"

"You did, though. I'm new to the whole 'being a friend' thing, but I am pretty sure you're not supposed to act like you don't know them when you see them." She didn't take her eyes off the girl in front of her, instead she forced herself to maintain eye contact. She thought she saw a glimpse of regret, but at this point she wasn't really sure she cared.

"I didn't know what to do, Brittany!" she could feel the emotion start to gather in her chest rising up like unwanted bile. She cursed herself for not holding her feelings better. "If I could go back an-"

"Don't bother."

"Britt.."

"I said not to call me that. Please."

"I'm your friend, I can call you that." it was almost an inaudible whisper and Brittany struggled to actually hear it. The brunette had what looked like the beginning of tears threatening in the corner of her eyes, and for a split second Brittany wanted to forget that she was upset just so she could comfort Santana. For a split second, and then she was upset again.

"This is why I have silly things as clings, Santana. This right here. This is why that fuzzy orange creature was my safety net," she broke eye contact and stared again at the ground beneath her. "They can't let you down, or hurt your feelings. They don't see you out and act like you're no different than a stranger on the street. They don't act like you're nothing. Because to them, you're everything."

Santana tried to stop the tears from filling her eyes, but she was unsuccessful. She felt her chest ache in a way she had never experienced before. It honestly felt like a jackhammer hitting concrete. Her hands trembled slightly as she watched the taller girl glance up at her. Her eyes shimmery with her own tears. Brittany pushed herself from the wall and took a step past the brunette.

"Please...don't -" Santana managed to blurt her voice sounding shaky.

Brittany didn't look to her side where the latina stood a mere foot away. She kept her gaze locked on the pebblestone beneath her feet, trying to get the swollen feeling out of her head. She felt broken. Again.

"You've always been the one leaving me, Santana." she glanced up, noticing the way the raven hair before her reflected the sun. She brought her head back down. "Now, I'm the one leaving you."

* * *

Santana had witnessed a lot of horrible things in her crazy life. Like the time Coach Sylvester made the entire squad watch an informative video on how she became pregnant. Or when Kelly, a former cheerleader, fell from the top of the pyramid breaking her leg in three places. Two of them breaking the skin. However nothing compared to the torture she felt when she sat in the room with her ailing uncle and watched him breathe. Every single inhale was a struggle and it made her wince just to witness it. Things had been getting progressively worse, and what she thought was the worst her uncle could look slowly became better than what she was looking at now.

"ntana" Jillian had somehow managed to stick her big head through the crack in the door and was smiling broadly.

"Hey, boo." Santana motioned for the little girl to come inside, reaching out slowly to grab the pudgy tan fingers. "Get in here silly, and say hola to your Poppa"

The little girl shoved her fingers in her mouth as the older latina picked her up and placed her on her lap. Curly hair flew in all directions and Santana struggled to keep it out of her face.

"Your Mama needs to get control of this frizz nest, girl." Santana tickled Jillian's side's causing her to squeal.

Her uncle looked over and the brunette could swear she saw a smile underneath the heavy plastic mask that seemed to envelope his face.

"That's my Poppa." Jillian took her hand out of her mouth to point at the man in the bed before resting her head on the older girl's shoulder.

"Totally your Poppa. And my Theo. My favorite Theo." She added the last part as she sent her uncle a wink.

"Girl I have been looking all over the house for your cute little butt, and you were in here with this lunatic." Jocelyn poked at Jillian before kissing her father on the head. "Dinner's ready, I was told to come get you." She looked over at Santana before squinting her eyes at her daughter.

That was all the little girl needed to know before she was arching her back and climbing off Santana. She maneuvered her way past her mother before disappearing down the hall.

The brunette stood up and made her way over to the bed before brushing some loose strands of grey hair back and away from his face. She kissed his head and whispered an 'I love you' against his moist skin.

"You were supposed to come over yesterday, hoe. Not tonite." Jocelyn said once they were heading towards the living room. "Maybe I had plans, it's not like I sit on my ass waiting for you to come over."

"Jocelyn, you and I both know that is _exactly_ what you do." Santana smirked.

"And how do you know that?"

"There is an ass print on that couch and ain't nobody in this family got an ass as round as yours."

Santana couldn't help but laugh at the way Jocelyn seemed to snort in her own fit of laughter. It felt nice to laugh. She had been so wrapped up in her own drama the past few days that she felt nearly hollow on the inside and incapable of laughing. It was a nice relief.

"I'm fixin to grab a plate and bring it in here. This is a once in a lifetime offer. Do you need anything?" Jocelyn turned her petite self towards Santana smirking.

"You'll do whatever I say, bitch."

"I'm taking that as a no. Whore." Santana watched her dip into the Kitchen and caught a glimpse of a mop of curly hair eating dinner at the table with her aunt. Somehow this mess of a family was her safety net. It was her... She stopped herself before she said the word. The word that reminded her of the blonde she had seen in tears 4 days prior. She frowned at the memory and immediately felt her chest grow tight.

Never in her life had she felt so ashamed of her actions as she had in that moment with Brittany. Several times she had written out a long ass text to the girl but never could get herself to actually press the send button. She wanted to apologize again, to tell her that she wasn't nothing. She was actually a very huge something. But it scared her. No, it terrified her.

So instead she was left with an inbox full of drafts and a mind full of memories swirling around threatening to expose themselves in any moment. She swiped the unlock screen and quickly went into her messages re reading all the texts she had composed for Brittany. None of them seemed worthy. None of them were enough. She had really fucked up this time. And she had no idea why it mattered so much, but the idea scared her. She just knew she had to fix it. Her day's without random texts from the blonde felt almost painful. She missed the girl telling her to sprinkle salt under her pillow to keep bedbugs away, or waking her up in the morning with a picture of that fat cat hanging off the edge of the bed.

She started typing a new message, this time without too much thinking. Her finger hovered over the send button for a moment before she bit the bullet and felt her skin touch the screen. She let out a breath she didn't even realize she had kept bottled inside.

_SENT: Britt. I can call you that because I AM your friend. I know I didn't act like it, and I know what I did hurt you, and for that I am truly sorry. You have every right to be upset with me and I should have never treated you that way. I was just scared. I'm always scared, Britt. I just wanted you to know that you aren't nothing...You're a big something... You're my cling too. 3_

Santana silenced her phone and threw it on the other end of the couch. She didn't want to hear when the girl responded, _if _she responded. Her nerves were on alert and she felt the need to be as far away from the phone as possible. She half wished she could unsend the text. All the messages before this one were not nearly as 'real' and she felt suddenly vulnerable.

"Woah who crawled up your ass, ate a chalupa, then died?" Jocelyn flopped down next to her, steadying a plate on her knee.

"You."

"You're so clever. But seriously why do you look so frazzled?" she took a giant bite of rice before widening her eyes as if she were actually expecting a truthful answer.

"This is not a frazzled look. This is hot." the latina gestured her hands down her body with a smirk.

"Eh, looks rough to me." Jocelyn held her plate in the air as Santana swung to slap the girl's leg.

"Ass"

"Slut"

Santana rolled her eyes and glanced at her phone. Should she check or should she wait til she got home? Everything in her body told her to look, but her pride told her to wait until she got home, in case the girl didn't respond. She wasn't sure she could hide the look of disappointment from Jocelyn, the girl could pick up on everything.

"I think Imma go see what Mom cooked for dinner." Santana said as she slipped her heels back on.

"There's food here too ya know." The older girl leaned in briefly, kissing the top of her head.

"I know, I just have a lot of homework to do. And I can only stand the site of your face but so long." Santana seemed to sing the last few words out as she wandered to the front door clutching her phone tightly in her hand, making sure she didn't look at it for any indication that she had received a message.

When she finally got in her car, she felt breathless. Whether it was because she practically ran or because she desperately wanted to see her phone she couldn't tell. She barely remembered the drive home, or how she ended up in her room. She didn't even turn a light on. She flopped down on her black comforter before flipping her phone over in her hand slowly. A green light blinked.

_INBOX BRITT: How many times did you have to write that before you actually pressed send? _

Santana felt a slight flutter that originated deep in her belly rise up and nearly tickle her nose. She was just happy that the blonde actually responded to her, that meant something right?

_SENT: About 7 lol. The others were more generic. This is more me. _

The latina felt a near giddiness that she was talking to Brittany. She pulled her dress over her head and quickly slipped into a hoodie and a pair of grey shorts before climbing back on the bed. She hit play on her iHome before picking up her phone.

_INBOX BRITT: Did you mean it?_

Biting her lip she responded quickly before her nerves got the better of her.

_SENT: Every word. _

As she contemplated typing out another message her phone began buzzing in her hand and her heart started that rapid thumping when she saw the blonde's name flash on the screen.

"Hello?" Santana was absolutely positive her voice sounded a bit too eager.

"Lord Tubbington hates when I text. He prefers me talking so I can still use my hands to pet him."

"Smart cat."

"mmm"

Santana looked up at her ceiling before inhaling deeply and running her hands through her hair.

"Look Brittany, I meant what I said." She paused and glanced around her room before closing her eyes and swallowing. "All of it. You're not nothing. Especially not to me."

Santana rolled her eyes. She definitely sounded lame.

"I was wondering if you would accept an apology invitation?" The latina bit her lip nervously as she heard the blonde deeply sigh.

"It depends."

"Puck, the guy with the mohawk today at the mall, he's throwing a party tomorrow. Maybe you'd want to come?"

There was silence on the other end of the line and Santana knew she had some convincing to do. Her stomach felt knotted and she would be lying if she said she didn't feel slightly nauseous. She just wanted the girl to forgive her, and be her friend again. She missed her more than she cared to admit out loud. Well, more than she cared to admit in general.

"It'll be fun. Drinking. Dancing. It's just my close friends, nothing too huge. I'd love the chance to introduce you to them the right way. And if that means I have to tell them about visiting the hospital... then I will."

"You don't have to tell them anything about the hospital. The doctor's office is fine. As long as I'm not 'somegirl'."

Santana paused as she felt her heart sink at the sadness hidden in the other girl's voice. "Britt you could never be 'some girl'. Don't ever believe that. I was just being selfish."

"I'll go."

Santana wasn't sure she heard correctly, so she repeated the blonde, "you'll go?"

"I'll go."

Smiling into the phone, the latina was suddenly very thankful that the blonde wasn't able to see her right now. She looked absolutely ridiculous. Grinning like some idiot.

"Awesome, I'll pick you up at 9?" Santana spoke quickly almost too quickly. It was as if her brain was trying to keep up with her heart beat. It was a losing battle.

"That's fine, watch out for the gnomes."

"The gnomes?"

"Yeah, my mom got them as lawn ornaments but I am absolutely certain they come to life at night." Brittany said without the slightest hint of a smile.

"Right. Crazy gnomes. Got it."

"I'll see you tomorrow then." Brittany's voice sounded slightly more animated than it had 5 minutes ago and the latina was grateful.

"Right. See you then. Bye"

"Goodnight, San." Brittany whispered.

The phone went dead and Santana couldn't help the grin that seemed permanently tattooed upon her face. It wasn't the best but it was a start. Plus, the girl just referred to her as 'San' and it caused Santana's entire body to shiver unconsciously. Her spine felt like it was an electrical current. She was going to make this up to her, she had to. She wasn't sure what all this meant. But she was positive she had never felt anything like this ever before.

* * *

The car ride went by in almost complete silence. They exchanged brief 'hellos' when Brittany first got in the car, but for the 8 minute drive and during the time they walked to the house, neither said a word.

Santana couldn't figure out if it was because she was too nervous to speak or if her mind was distracted. She couldn't help but look at the tall figure in front of her. In the brief amount of time she had known the blonde, she had only seen her in baggy loose fitting clothes. A night gown, sweat pants, t-shirts and one time even ducky footed pajamas. She always found the blonde to be beautiful, but tonite, the girl in front of her was downright captivating.

She was wearing clothes that actually clung to her figure, allowing nothing to be left to the imagination. Tight blue jeans clung perfectly in the right places and fell loosely in others and there was a gap between where her jeans stopped and her shirt began, showing off a milky shade of skin that the brunette couldn't help but notice. Her shirt was a vivid ocean blue that was snug around her chest but seemed to be loose as it fell halfway down her abdomen.

Brittany would be lying if she said she didn't spend over two hours in her room trying to decide what to wear. She knew it was casual but she also knew that she wanted to feel good about herself. She was tired of looking sloppy. When she decided on her outfit earlier that night, she not only felt hot, she felt anxious for the brunette to see her. The thought confused her but she couldn't seem to push her excitement away. Now, as she paused on the porch to let the latina lead her inside, she was nearly positive that Santana had noticed her.

"Ready?" Santana's raspy voice held some unknown emotion as she glanced up into Brittany's eyes. Noticing the perfect amount of makeup used to make her eyes pop. Her heart had a mind of it's own and she was pretty positive it thought she were running a marathon.

"Totally."

Santana seemed to swallow a thick taste in the back of her mouth as she turned to the door before taking a deep breath and pushing it open, the loud music bellowing out the entrance with a rush of background noise that could be described as unnecessary clatter.

Without thinking she reached behind her and grabbed Brittany's hand in an attempt to lead her through the crowd of people that obviously had grown into more than her close friends. She blamed Puck and his big mouth for that. Or maybe she blamed Sam. It seemed more fitting.

As she pulled the blonde through the crowd she couldn't help but smile as the girl held on tightly and lingered close to her backside. She was so close, Santana could have sworn she briefly felt a puff of warm air reach the nape of her neck as they waited for some iron giant to move out of their way. The feeling caused the tiny hairs on her forearm to rise and she bit her lip trying to make herself focus on the kitchen instead of the electricity shooting through her body.

They finally made it to the kitchen, but not before some ass hole who clearly had been drinking for a while nearly spilt his beer on top of the brunette. There was a brief moment where Brittany thought Santana might actually whip out a razor blade and cut the boy in front of her. The way she stood on her tiptoes to effectively enter the football players personal bubble made her dress slightly hike up, which didn't go unnoticed by the blonde.

The kitchen wasn't as full as the rest of the house, and Brittany immediately recognized several faces from the mall the days before. She couldn't help the way she averted her eyes and the pang in her side as Santana's words played around in her head. She had to tell herself over and over not to listen to her memory- that Santana had apologized. After all the latina was still clinging to her arm and hadn't loosened her grip. Something she saw the blonde cheerleader from the mall notice quickly.

"Who's this?" Quinn put down her red cup before moving closer to Santana with her hands on her hips.

Santana took a deep breath before she spoke. "Actually, you met her already. At the mall the other day. Name's Brittany. Stats: hot, sweet, and off limits. Now back off, Fabray."

"So 'some girl' isn't accurate. I'm confused." She trailed off the last part while turning to look at Puck who was drinking some dark liquid from a cup. He smirked before tugging at the front of his mohawk awkwardly. He hated being caught in the middle of their cat fights.

"So I've taken a poll and no one seems to care if I do an impromptu performance of Barbara's performance in 'Funny Girl'. Well no one except that guy Brett by the front door, but he doesn't really make sense anyway so his vote is considered null and void." A short brunette walked into the room dressed in what Brittany viewed as something her American Girl dolls would wear. She didn't miss the expressions on both Santana and Quinn's face at the girl's presence.

"Listen here, screeching dwarf. No one care's if people voted or if you're singing. Most of us are too drunk to care, and if we aren't we need to start before you start screaming into a mic." Santana smirked before releasing Brittany's hand. The coldness immediately made her fingers tingle, but she tried to ignore it as she mixed a drink for both her and Brittany. Tequila. Her favorite.

"Believe it or not, Santana, there are people here who know talent when they hear it. I will never miss an opportunity to showcase the gift I have been given." The shorter brunette grabbed her drink and walked out of the room, leaving everyone chuckling in her absence.

"That was Rachel, the most annoying of the glee club. If you ever forget, she's the one with the enormous beak and the ego the size of Titanic." Santana said, handing her drink to Brittany.

"Before or after it broke in half?" Brittany sipped her drink. The room slowly seemed to loosen up and the blonde noticed a lot of smile's and the tension that seemed to be drifting out the open windows.

"Definitely before." Santana winked before pointing with her cup.

"That's Sam, or trouty mouth." Brittany laughed and nodded towards the blonde in front of her. " And that's Puck, and you of course know the sweetheart that is Ms. Fabray." Santana laughed at Quinn's scoff before drinking her drink in two huge gulps. "Finn is that woolly mammoth in the living room, attempting to dance and only succeeding at looking like he's got stilts for legs while nearly pouring beer on to those hotter than him."

Brittany couldn't help the laugh that escaped and she brought her hand up to cover her mouth. "Nice to meet you all," she managed to get out before making eye contact with Quinn, her smile almost immediately falling.

After a few more drinks Brittany felt a lot more calm and less jittery about being at a party and around a bunch of people she didn't know. Though, she had spent some time talking to Sam and while she had to keep telling herself not to stare at his lips, she enjoyed the funny conversations. She wanted to have another drink, but she was worried about how her body would handle the sudden introduction to alcohol. That's the last thing she needed. To throw up and be back where she started from 3 months ago.

A large group had started dancing in the living room, and Brittany started swaying her hips to the beat. She noticed Quinn making out with the boy with the racoon on his head, she had already forgot his name. Rachel could be seen through the window contorting her face in what Brittany assumed to either be passion or constipation. It was hard to tell. Santana had disappeared a few minutes ago, with her phone pressed to her ear. The brunette was just as tipsy as her, maybe a little more as she had done a few shots of tequila with Puck before he started getting his face sucked off by Quinn.

Regardless, she was trying her hardest to wait for the brunette before she started dancing, but her body was having other ideas and before she knew it she had made her way to the mock dance floor and was letting her body have control. Probably for the first time in years. It felt amazing. She felt free.

She didn't know how long she had been dancing, it could have been for 10 seconds or for 2 hours. Time seemed to stand still when she was moving freely. She could feel the slight sweat on her lower back as she made move after move and was oblivious to the way that she caught several people's attention. It could have been from the alcohol, it tended to make things a little fuzzy.

She felt strong arms pull her wrist and she spun around landing right against the front of the latina. She didn't know if she was so happy because she was dancing or because this girl seemed to magically appear in front of her. Either way her entire body felt like it wanted to do cartwheels. She even briefly considered doing some. She settled instead for giving the brunette a quick hug, her arms lacing around the girl's neck. She inhaled a strong floral scent with a mix of vanilla and her eyes closed as she tried to engrain it in her memory.

"Dance with me" Santana managed to get out, if only in a whisper. She pulled back from the blonde's grasp and finally made eye contact with pools of ocean blue. She licked her lips and let her hands fall from the girl's sides. Brittany knitted her brows in confusion as she could have sworn she saw pain and sadness in the brunette's eyes. Maybe even a hint of tears. Brittany fought with her alcohol soaked brain on what to do next. Should she drag the girl off to talk, or just dance with her like she wanted? She found it hard to make any decision, but when she felt the smaller girl's hand on her lower back as she moved closer, Brittany knew that she didn't want to stop.

Santana held firmly onto the blonde, as if she were afraid she would fall or maybe that the girl would disappear. She needed to feel safe. And Brittany is where she felt safest, so she held on, swaying her hips to the music and noticing how the taller girl's movement's matched her own. Her entire body felt like it was on fire and she struggled to keep her free hand from roaming up the girl's side, to help she kept it on her own leg as she slowly moved to beat. She could feel the hair at the nape of her neck start to get damp from their close proximity but she ignored it. She was falling in love with this feeling. With feeling Brittany so close to her. This was definitely a problem.

Brittany had one hand slightly raised and the other was firmly gripping Santana's hip bone. Her heart was skipping its normal rhythm, and she was absolutely certain her cheeks were red. This was like near dream stuff. She felt the latina's hot skin beneath her fingertips, and the girl's long hair tickled her arm's as they grinded their hips in unison again. Neither knew what this meant, but neither seemed to question it. Everything about this moment was perfect.

Well...almost perfect.


	9. Words Get In The Way

**Chapter 8 - Words Get In The Way**

The air in front of her lips was thick and sweet. Maybe even too sweet. It made the blonde's mouth water slightly as she tried to take a deep breath in the crowded room. There were people everywhere; just a few friends was the understatement of the year. Unknown faces twirled, appeared, then disappeared next to her causing gushes of air to spray her hair in different directions. Judging by the sweat, she was convinced the air should be musky. But it wasn't. All she could focus on was vanilla. Vanilla and electricity.

She couldn't see Santana's face; it was tilted down as if she was watching the way her hips swayed with the blondes. She felt fingers graze the small of her back, skin on skin and her body shivered in response. The beat seemed to be vibrating within her chest as the music continued and the heat traveled up her back and incinerated her ribcage. The alcohol was making everything feel right, the music, the touches, the smell. Brittany was positive she could stay in that moment forever.

Santana moved her hips closer to the blonde and bit her lip as she tried to hold back a tear that was threatening to show itself. How could she feel so alive yet so drained at the same time? Her body seemed to have a mind of it's own and she was thankful. Her own brain seemed to be swimming in alcohol and incapable of making decisions. This was all she could do. She needed to be close to Brittany. Maybe she would regret it tomorrow, but she didn't regret it now. She let her free hand grip the hips in front of her tightly, her thumb digging into the blonde's hip bone. Brittany exhaled loudly though it couldn't be heard over the pounding music. Before she realized what she was doing she had her hand rubbing up the brunette's back, stopping at the nape of her neck before circling her fingers in the sea of raven strands.

The latina bit her lip again and continued to dance, trying to hold on to this feeling for as long as she could. She wanted it to last forever. Her chest too was burning, her body was tingling and her heart hammered inside her chest. She almost forgot the sadness, almost forgot the tears that were being held back by sparks, desire and probably a heavy amount of alcohol. Almost.

Santana managed to pull her head up so her eyes could meet the blondes crystal blue orbs. She was surprised to find them a darker shade, more like the way the sky looked before a storm and a knot formed in her abdomen as she felt herself staring and getting lost in their depth. She searched frantically for meaning, any meaning behind the dark blue rings. A clue as to what was going on between them, or a clue as to what to do next. Instead she found the same questions, the same intensity she was sure reflected in her own eyes.

She slightly loosened her grip on Brittany's hips before placing a hand on the taller girl's shoulder and cupping the back of the girl's neck with her other hand. She felt the blonde's hands travel loosely down her back and rest clasping together around her waist. On her tiptoes, she nuzzled her lips close to the girl's ear, inhaling a lung full of the sweetest scent she ever experienced.

"Come outside with me?" She managed to whisper before pulling away and locking eyes with the blonde. The girl in front of her just nodded slowly as both dropped their hands from the other. Immediately the girls blinked slowly, as if the rawness of losing contact impacted them both. Before Brittany could decipher the look in the brunette's eyes, the girl turned and started making her way through the thick crowd. Without hesitation she immediately followed, trying to keep her eyes locked on the figure before her as to not lose her way. She swayed slightly, obviously still affected by alcohol, but managed to follow relatively close behind the latina.

She must have looked down for a split second, because the next thing Brittany saw was blonde hair instead of the dark locks she was following. She stopped suddenly as to not smack into the petite girl in front of her.

"Brittany, right?" the hazel eyed girl spoke softly, swirling an unseen liquid in her red solo cup.

Brittany couldn't seem to stop her eyes from searching the crowd for the brunette slightly annoyed that the blonde had stopped her, she didn't want Santana alone if she was upset. She nodded but made no effort to make eye contact.

"Where did you say you met Santana?" the girl didn't seem to care that Brittany wasn't interested in the conversation. She finally turned her gaze and noticed a small smirk toying at the corner of Quinn's mouth.

"Uh..the doctor's office," Brittany nearly mumbled.

"Riiight." Quinn sipped her drink before continuing, "You both say that, but when I asked Coach she knew nothing about Santana needing a physical. That's weird, don't you think?"

Brittany didn't like where this was going, and she suddenly felt very uneasy and wished for the fiery latina to still be by her side. " Don't you have better things to do than to go snooping to find out if Santana needs to see a doctor?"

"Ah, just curious. I feel like there is something up between you two."

"Well you can _feel_ until your heart's content- but it seems to me, the weird thing here isn't how Santana and I met, but rather why _you_ care so much." Brittany was positive the alcohol was affecting her courage level.

Quinn chuckled lightly, but didn't seem phased. She swayed a little to the music and Brittany felt her palms turn slightly clammy as she waited for the conversation to be over.

"It'll come out eventually. It always does."

"I was actually looking for Santana, so I'm go-"

"You didn't see her close enough, when you were dancing with her?" Quinn smirked a little sipping her drink again. "Seemed to me like all you saw was her. So eager to run off after her again?"

Brittany felt her cheeks turn a slight shade of red and she tilted her eyes to look at her feet slightly before glancing back up at the blonde in front of her. She felt uneasy and suddenly a little panicked. The alcohol must be working its way out of her system. Whatever confidence she felt dwindled slightly. But only slightly.

"It's funny; Quinn...right?" Brittany started as she made contact forcefully with the girl in front of her, a smirk on her lips. She watched the blonde squint her eyes slightly in annoyance before she continued, "If I were you, I would wonder why your 'best friend' feels the need to keep you out of her life, or why instead of getting your mack on with your boy toy, you spent a good deal of time watching two girls dance together."

Quinn's mouth parted slightly when the other blonde finished and Brittany felt slightly proud of herself for actually making sense. "Excuse me," she said, meeting hazel eyes once again before disappearing in the crowd, trying to put as much space between her and Quinn as possible.

She swung open the front door only to find the porch swarming with more teenagers, she looked around but couldn't find a glimpse of the tanned girl she was dancing with only minutes ago. She wondered how long Quinn had held her captive. It couldn't have been more than 2 minutes, though to Brittany it felt like forever since she had seen the latina. She'd be lying if she said she didn't miss the girl's presence, it was like her entire being was being pulled to find the smaller girl.

As if on cue, Brittany's eyes met a shadowed figure perched on the roof of Santana's car that was parked on the grass in front of the house. She couldn't be positive that the figure was who she was looking for, but she would bet Deedoe and her tooth fairy money that no one else would dare sit on the latina's car.

When she finally approached the car, she hesitated for a moment not knowing whether it was appropriate for her to climb on the hood too. The figure in front of her caused her to push her worries aside and carefully maneuver herself so she was sitting next to the girl she was so desperate to find. Their legs touched and Brittany smiled at the burning sensation that crawled up her thigh before pooling at her stomach.

"You okay?" Brittany tried to catch a glimpse of Santana's face, but the girl's hair made it nearly impossible. She reached out and slowly tucked the loose strands behind the girl's ear noticing how her fingertips became damp as they grazed the girls cheek.

"San?" Brittany questioned again when she didn't get a response. Her brows were knitted tightly but she was at a loss for what to do or how to help. "Talk to me."

Santana breathed out slowly before shaking her head to move her hair, effectively looking up at the stars that spread out evenly across the sky. "Earlier... before we uhm...danced" Santana felt her cheeks burn slightly at the memory, "Jocelyn called."

Brittany felt her heart sink. Her mind seemed to play a memory reel in her head and she saw flashes of Santana's sad looks before they danced, and flashes of the girl's grip on her hips. Her own cheeks flushed at the last thought. She glanced again at the girl next to her and noticed her eyes were full of tears as she stared up to the sky. "It's happening." Santana paused before licking her lips slowly, "The nurse said it could happen any moment so everyone's there, by his side"

Brittany wasn't sure what the protocol was for comforting someone who was experiencing the first death of their life. She felt her own eyes sting with tears at the thought of Santana being in pain. Without thinking she slid her arm behind the brunette, pulling her slightly so she was leaning against the taller girl's side. The latina tensed at first, but soon relaxed and let her head fall upon Brittany's shoulder. Her eyes remained fixed on the sky, but the tears were falling freely. She had no idea why she was showing emotion, or why she didn't feel upset about it. Somehow Brittany was different than anyone she had ever met. Somehow showing feelings wasn't as horrible with her. It scared her.

"I'm supposed to be there, I know I am. But for some reason when I got off the phone all I could think about was making the feeling go away. I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted to be carefree for 5 more minutes. For just 5 minutes, I wanted my world to stay the same." Santana winced at how pathetic her words sounded but couldn't seem to stop the sob that followed. She felt the blonde's grip tighten around her waist and she allowed herself to fall further into the girl's side, burying her face in the pale flesh of Brittany's neck.

Brittany without thinking tilted her head down and placed a lingering kiss on top of Santana's head. "Shhh," She rubbed the girl's back slowly and waited for the girl's breaths to even out.

"Listen..." She didn't make any effort to move, or to shift the girl from their awkward position, instead she found herself looking at the sky- her own eyes teary.

"I know it's scary. And I know it's hard. But you need to go to him."

"I can't." Santana managed to blurt out, clinging harder to the blonde.

"I know, I know" Brittany cooed, " But you have to- for him, for Jocelyn, for Jillian...and for yourself. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't." She continued tracing circles on the girls back while she watched the clouds slightly cover up the moon.

"I'm not strong enough." It was a barely there whisper and Brittany had to strain to hear the smaller girl.

She sighed to herself, her stomach twinging slightly in discomfort. Maybe the alcohol wasn't the best idea so close to her recent relapse. She shook the thought from her head and focused again on the girl curled up against her. Her heart was hammering in her chest from having the latina so close- the girls breath hitting the skin at her neck.

"You'll find your way. No one is expecting you to be strong. They just want you there."

"I don't do _sick_, Brittany. I don't do emotions or feelings or..._dying_."

"Just think of Deedoe, cling to him-a reminder that the world continues spinning. That as hard as this moment is- you'll get through it. I believe in you, Sant-"

"He's not my cling..." Santana sniffled, for the first time realizing that she was pressed up against the blonde. "You are."

She was now certain the alcohol was still coursing through her veins, and immediately felt her cheeks burn. Brittany smiled as she felt the familiar fluttering feeling nip at her stomach. She paused for a second- her eyes locking on the moon, making she she remembered to breathe before squeezing the girl in her arms slightly.

"Now go be a cling for your Uncle. Trust me, you want to be there." Brittany pushed the latina away from her slightly and noticed her puffy eyes and red cheeks. She wiped the trails of tears with the back of her finger before brushing her fingertip against the tip of the latina's nose.

"I'll be here if you need me."

* * *

"Das poppa." Jillian's pudgy finger was pointing to the bed that was completely surrounded by various faces of Santana's family. The little girl seemed to sense the mood and gently laid her head on the older latina's chest her eyes never leaving the elderly man before her.

Santana swayed her hips from side to side as she held the little girl. Jocelyn stood next to her, holding her father's hand. She was wearing hello kitty pajamas and had her glasses on instead of her usual contacts. Across from her was Tia Sylvia along with her own mom and dad and two other aunts. The room's atmosphere was heavy and dark, but surprisingly no one shed a tear and no one wore a frown. Everything was still. Eerily so.

Her uncle seemed peaceful, the nurse had stopped his fluids and only had him on morphine and oxygen so he wasn't struggling to breathe or in pain. Santana was grateful that he seemed calm and content but the air around her felt like hands choking her neck. She glanced at the door and briefly thought about running to the other room or disappearing into the kitchen- anywhere but here.

Jillian stirred in her arms before looking up to make eye contact, she placed a tanned hand on either side of Santana's cheeks. "Hi" she whispered.

Santana smiled. She squeezed her tightly causing the little girl to giggle before resting her head back down on the older girl's shoulder, her arms locked around her neck. She whispered an inaudible 'thank you' into Jillian's hair before kissing her head. Somehow the toddler had calmed her nerves right when she was about to make a break for it. Santana took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before reaching out and rubbing Jocelyn's back causing her to glance back towards the latina.

Ever since they both were little- the two could communicate without a single word. And in this moment they relied heavily on that skill- so neither would break down in front of the man that lay before them.

Santana was thankful that she was holding the now sleeping Jillian, otherwise she wouldn't know what to do with herself. She felt anxious and jittery. Her lungs felt like they were melting and it nearly caused her eyes to tear up in pain. They all had decided that they weren't going to tell her uncle that this was the end, they didn't want him to panic or be afraid. So in an attempt to conceal the reality of the situation, everyone hid their sadness- some leaving every once in a while to cry in another room, before reappearing as if nothing happened.

She forced the tears back to wherever they were hiding and choked down her emotions. She was used to this, used to hiding. But she wasn't ready to watch someone leave her, nor did she think she would ever be ready. She tried to think of what Brittany had told her, and she closed her eyes, imagining stars and the way it felt to be pressed up against the warmth of the blonde. She swayed her hips and rubbed Jillians back, her eyes still firmly shut. How people managed to deal with feelings on a day to day basis she will never understand, it's too painful. And way too hard.

She heard shuffling and opened her eyes to find Jocelyn moving to brush grey hair away from a clammy forehead. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly, she had no idea how she was still holding a baby. Her arms felt like jello and she felt like she was watching some kind of horror movie. She just wanted to turn the lights on and complain about how horrible the acting was and how the storyline was too sad. She wanted to see her uncle laugh at her, and complain about it too. Instead she watched as the man's chest in front of her fell down before failing to raise again.

Her breath caught in her chest and she clamped her eyes shut. Squeezing Jillian so tightly she worried about causing the tiny girl to bruise. The room that had once been silent, was erupting in sighs and the beginnings of sobs. She felt Jocelyn grab her arm, yet she didn't open her eyes. She was afraid of releasing the flood gate of emotion though It didn't matter, the tears found their way out anyway. The room suddenly became insanely loud, and it sounded like Santana was underwater again. She was drowning, in what exactly...she didn't know, but she was positive she was drowning. And the worst part was...she liked it.

* * *

Santana was lying on the hood of her car looking at the stars. She was trying to cling..or whatever Brittany called it; she was trying to feel grounded and safe- so she thought of the blonde.

Her eyes were dry and swollen from crying and her shirt was slightly damp from holding a sobbing Jocelyn for over an hour. She didn't even remember if she said anything to her cousin, or if anything was said to her. She closed her eyes trying her hardest to remember, but the events of the last 4 hours were a complete blur. She wasn't even confident that she was even conscious for it all- as her strongest memory was feeling like she was drowning. That and when they broke the news to Jillian, even though she didn't really understand- the process had been heart wrenching.

Things had settled down and the house had grown silent again. But this time it wasn't peaceful it was full of sadness. Santana couldn't take it anymore. She had helped a little with the last of the funeral arrangements and helped get Jillian to bed finally. It was nearing 4:30 AM. She felt hollow and lost, she was positive she had nothing left to give-to anyone. Her world was spinning and she felt like everything was crumbling down before her eyes. She would rather be drowning.

She reached in her pocket and pulled out her phone. She hesitated calling because it was so late, or early depending on which way you chose to look at it. But she was positive if she didn't hear the blonde's voice she would drown completely.

The phone rang twice before it was picked up.

"San?" Brittany's voice immediately made the latina's chest ache even further. Tears threatened her eyes once again and Santana cursed her body for producing more. She didn't want to sound desperate but she was, she needed to get away and she needed to feel safe. She needed someone to save her from herself.

"C-could you...come g-get me?" Santana sniffled slightly before rubbing her eyelids.

There was a long pause and the latina wondered if Brittany got disconnected or if maybe she didn't hear her. She was about to repeat herself when she heard the girl speak.

"I'm on my way, wait for me."

Santana shoved her phone back in her pocket and closed her eyes. Her entire body felt heavy and for a brief second she regretted calling the blonde. She didn't like other people seeing this side of her- this vulnerable side. She had an image to maintain and she was positive sobbing into someone's neck made her look less like a badass. She knew that it was dumb of her to think that way. Brittany would never judge her or view her any differently. She felt like the world faded away whenever she was in the taller girl's presence. Maybe that was why she called her- maybe it was for selfish reasons. Maybe she truly just wanted to get away.

She still had her eyes shut when she heard a car pull up behind her own. She didn't wait for a signal or for the sound of a car door opening; she just pulled herself up and made her way to the passenger side of Brittany's car. She climbed in quickly before shutting the door and staring out the window.

"Where to?" Brittany broke the silence and smiled slightly when Santana finally turned towards her, brown eyes lost behind some sad deep fog. The sight made her heart ache at the same time it made it pound within her chest. How that was even possible she didn't know. She made a mental note to email her doctor in the morning.

"Anywhere but here."

Brittany didn't need further direction. She pulled out of the Lopez's driveway and got on the highway heading in the opposite direction. She wanted to reach out and tell the brunette that it would all be okay, but speaking from experience she knew that meant nothing. She hated hearing it all those years ago, and she knew Santana would too.

Silence filled the air between them, and although it was warm Santana couldn't help the goosebumps that appeared when she caught the blonde glancing at her. She was surprised when Brittany came to a stop in front of a large brick building in an area Santana didn't recognize.

"Where are we?" Santana said as she shut the car door.

"You'll see. Come here."

Brittany grabbed Santana's hand and gasped slightly at the electrical feeling that seemed to shock her finger tips. Even though she knew it was coming she still felt jolted every time- as if a current actually passed between them.

The blonde led them past two sets of playground equipment even though she desperately wanted to swing on the swing. She loved the feeling of floating in the sky and feeling the air hit her face. She also knew this moment wasn't about her, it was about Santana- so she led her a little further, and stopped at a bench that was perched on a hill.

She sat down, effectively pulling the brunette down with her. Both of them sat for a moment, taking in the sight before them. This was the one place that Brittany always felt peaceful- no matter what was going on in her life and she hoped it had the same effect on the beaten girl sitting next to her. This was one of the highest points just past the city, and at the top of this hill- you could see the entire city lit up looking like little legos in the distance. It made everything seem so small.

"Wow." Santana breathed out and watched as the horizon managed to be a lighter shade of blue than the rest of the sky. It was nearly time for the sun to rise.

"I used to come here all the time when I was little with my dad. He used to wake me up early and we would drive out here and watch the sun come up. He always said it put everything in perspective." Brittany said quietly her hand still clasped firmly within the latina's. Santana watched the sky grow lighter and felt the blonde scoot slightly closer so that their sides were touching. She appreciated the silence, somehow it wasn't as deafening up here.

The air wasn't thick, in fact it was increasingly thin and Santana was surprised to find herself much calmer than she was even 15 minutes before. She glanced down at her hand and tried really hard to feel where she left off and where Brittany began, but she honestly couldn't feel the difference. It made her heart ache.

Brittany kept her gaze focused on the way the sun started to bounce off the edges of the buildings that spread out in the distance. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but she knew she would sit there for as long as Santana needed her to. She would be whatever the latina needed. She would take care of her, until she could do it again herself.

"Do you still come here?" Santana's voice brought Brittany out of her own head.

"No, I haven't been here in years."

"Your dad doesn't wake you up anymore?" Santana said shifting her feet to cross one leg over the other. She waited for Brittany to respond but found herself waiting longer than she expected. She turned towards the blonde and noticed her expression unchanged, the sun shimmering off her pale skin, eyes bright against the light.

"No. He passed away when I was younger." Brittany finally breathed out.

Santana was positive her mouth actually parted with Brittany's words. She didn't know how to respond. "You don't have to look at me like that you know." Brittany smiled and turned her attention towards the latina and their eyes met both bright because of the sun. "I'm not broken. Well I am because I'm sick, but technically my doctor says that doesn't mean I'm broken it means I'm injured." Santana felt her lips curl into a smile as she listened to her ramble, never breaking eye contact. "You're not broken either...you may think you are, but that's just because right now your world got flipped upside down."

"Britt, I don't know wh-"

"I never came back to this place." Brittany tore her gaze from the brunette's and looked out over the city again. "Not because I didn't want to, and not because I couldn't. It was because I didn't want to see what it looked like upside down. I already _felt_ like my world was upside down- I didn't want to _see_ it too." Brittany slouched down and leaned her head on the brunette. Vanilla infiltrated her senses and she temporarily forgot where she was going with her thought.

"You know what's funny though?" Brittany said. "I realized that it wasn't him that flipped my world upside down."

Santana tilted her head to look down at the blonde, she felt tears in her own eyes as Brittany spoke. "It was me."

She sat for a moment and watched as the sun finally rose past the tallest building in the distance.

"Don't let this define you, San. It can impact you and effect you, but don't let it change how you view the world. Don't let all _this_...become upside down." Brittany nuzzled a little against Santana's shoulder and let out a puff of air. She didn't know if it was okay to be this close to the smaller girl, but her body was aching for it.

"Brittany..." Santana breathed out lightly, she felt her lip quiver slightly.

"Yea?"

"I saw my uncle die today." Her chest stung and tears fell as the words flew past her lips. "My world _immediately_ turned upside down."

"Santana, I didn't mea-"

"My world immediately turned upside down," She repeated, "I didn't recognize anything. It was as if I didn't know who I was, or where I even existed."

Brittany was quiet, she sensed there was more to Santana's thought so she waited patiently.

"Want to know the funny part of my story?" Santana questioned.

Brittany looked confused but nodded, sitting up straight and turning slightly to face the brunette.

"Somehow, before all this happened. I gave a tiny piece of myself to you. A piece that _wasn't_ upside down." Santana paused briefly before continuing. "I was drowning earlier. I literally felt like i was suffocating and I recognized nothing in my life. But when I saw you..."

Brittany felt a lump rise up in her throat and she forced herself to swallow. Her heart was throbbing steadily inside her chest and she wanted to reach over and hug the slightly trembling girl in front of her but at the same time she was terrified.

"It's like I had an anchor, or what do you call it? A cling. I finally understood what you meant by that." Santana nodded as a tear fell down her cheek. "It was like I suddenly knew, that as long as you had that one piece that wasn't upside down, I would make it through. That you would help me. That I _needed_ you to help me." She finally turned and looked at Brittany, noticing tears pooled up at the bottom of her eyes.

Brittany reached out and encircled her arms around the brunette's neck hugging her tightly. Her body reacted with a frenzy of flutters and a shot of electricity that seemed to travel the full length of her spine. It was as if she could feel her body melting into the embrace.

Santana pulled back slightly, her heart finally realizing how close she actually was to the blonde. Her eyes scanned the face in front of her and she made mental notes of where each freckle was positioned and the tiny deeper fleck in the blue of her right eye. She had no idea what she was getting herself into, all she knew was that when she was with the blonde she felt safe. Safe yet at the same time so overwhelmed. She wanted to overthink it, to talk herself out of what was about to happen, but she couldn't. She couldn't make herself pull further away or stop her eyes from glancing down at Brittany's lips.

Brittany's chest was probably humming faster than a humming bird as she took in the beauty of the latina before her. "I'll always be here for you. Well, not _here_ because mom says I'm not allowed to sleep outside anymore. At least not after that one time when I tried to sleep in a box down by the river whe-"

Deep brown eyes met hers when a raspy voice interrupted her ramble.

"Kiss me."


	10. The Point of No Return

**Chapter 9- The Point of No Return**

The low red gleam of light was the only brightness in her room. She watched it steadily without blinking, waiting for the moment that it happened. She struggled as her eyelid twitched begging to just swipe quickly over her eye ending the torture, but the blonde only opened her eyes wider. She bit her cheek when the stinging increased but left her eyes focused on the steady red light next to her bed. She didn't want to miss it. The clock on the table radiated a barely blinking 3:59 into Brittany's face before switching to 4:00 within a split second. She finally clasped her eyes shut, and relished in the moment where her pain subsided. She wanted to smile, to declare victory against the sandman, to get up and hide her favorite stuffies just in case he decided to take revenge; but instead she kept her eyes clamped shut and struggled to take a deep breath.

Breathing had been more difficult than usual the past two days. She felt like she couldn't get enough air to do all the things her body was trying to do, nor handle the amount of thoughts coursing through her head every second. Every time she tried to sleep, or close her eyes, all she saw was a teary latina sitting in front of her, the sun rising behind her. The way the sun bounced off her coal dark hair and how her tanned face almost seemed to glow, the tear streams looking like glass waterfalls down her cheeks.

She stared hard at the image that her brain had produced on the back of her eyes, she felt her chest rising and falling uncontrollably as she took in the woman before her. She looked at her eyes and the tears that were threatening to fall, and she looked at the puff of her lips and the slight tremble she couldn't hide. Brittany looked at the image she created until her body shook and she felt her own tear force it's way out of her clamped eyelids. Knowing she couldn't handle it anymore she opened her eyes, the image disappearing and replaced by the darkness of her room.

The blonde quickly pulled herself out of bed without even wiping at the tear streaks down her face. She hadn't slept in two days, three if you count the night she went with Santana to the look out point, and it was starting to get to her. Her chest felt like it was filled with acetone and her body was trying to absorb it, the burning almost being too much to handle. She clutched her chest before making her way to the window in the front of her room, sitting on the small protrusion full of pillows and stuffed animals. She curled up and gazed out at brightness of the moon and the shadows that danced on the pavement because of the movement of the trees.

_Kiss me_

The words played around in Brittany's head as the tears fell again down her cheeks following the same path of the tears before them. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth but didn't dare close her eyes, the image of the latina becoming too hard to handle.

Brittany had never felt anything for anyone. Well, unless you count the love she felt for her mother, or the love she felt for Lord Tubbington. Both were two different types of love. She loved her mom in every way that a daughter should love their mother: in a grateful, safe, admiration sort of way. And with Lord T, she loved him in all the ways a mother would love their kid: with a great sense of pride, protection and responsibility. She had a few friends here and there that she loved spending time with, and loved getting to know but nothing that passed into a similar feeling of love. Then there was Maddison. But Brittany wasn't really sure which category she fit in either. Her eyes produced more tears at the memory, buts she was quick to wipe them away in protest.

She didn't know where the latina fit in either. The way her body reacted to a simple thought of the girl, was enough to mesmerize the blonde. It was as if her body loved to burn with fire and spark with electricity anytime Santana was close to her, or speaking to her. In fact she was pretty sure the girl could just look at her and she would feel some sort of buzzing somewhere.

Being scared of what it all meant wasn't what upset the blonde. She never really worried about thing's like that, or what her feelings meant. She just accepted them for what they were. Even if she wasn't entirely sure herself what it all meant. She didn't question why, when the brunette spoke those _two _words the other morning she felt as if her heart stopped, and the air was kicked out of her chest. Nor could she explain the way her fingers and lips seemed to tingle.

Or the fact that she actually _wanted_ to do it.

That thought didn't upset her either. In fact, she was excited to have that feeling. Excited to want to brush her lips against the pouty ones that always captivated her stares. Excited to know what it felt like to kiss her; to finally realize that all those confusing feelings for the past few weeks meant something. To act on them, by kissing her.

But she didn't.

She felt her eyes water again at the memory as she clutched a random white stuffie from the pile beneath her.

None of this was fair. Not to Brittany, who had never felt anything close to desire at wanting to kiss someone since she was diagnosed; and certainly not to Santana, who had no idea why the blonde responded the way she did to her comment. The funny thing about moment's like those is that one second everyone is floating like a feather, wrapped up in their own feelings. Soaring nervously in the wind, unsure of what's going to happen next. Then out of nowhere the feather is crashing down, by what exactly... it doesn't really matter. In this case it was by Brittany's lack of response and in that second, in a desperate attempt at freeing oneself, the feather get's torn and who know's if it's ever fixable.

* * *

_Brittany was absolutely positive she had heard the girl wrong. Kiss Me? She would be lying if she said that the first thought to enter her mind wasn't to lean down and capture the puffy lips that seemed to extend further than normal, soaking up the warmth of the flesh that would slide in her mouth. But a million other thing's also seemed to crash into one another and shove that thought to the back of her head. She felt tears prick at her eyes and she traced small circles on the top of the latina's hand which was still clasped in her own. _

_She could be selfish. Without a doubt Brittany knew she could be selfish and give the girl what she wanted. What they both wanted. Her body grew hotter if that was even possible, at the thought of kissing the brunette. Somehow, during the last few weeks she had never once thought of kissing the girl. She had instead thought of holding her, and letting their bodies melt into the other as she desperately ached for that feeling since she first hugged the brunette. Now though, she had trouble thinking clearly without hearing two words every two seconds. _

_But she couldn't do this. She couldn't be selfish. It wasn't fair to Santana, she told herself repeatedly as if she was trying to convince herself. Though she couldn't help but feel that not following the latina's request wasn't really fair to herself either. _

_Santana hated hospitals. She hated sick. Brittany felt her eyes fill with tears when she knew what it all meant. She couldn't kiss her. She couldn't bring her into the drama that was her life. She practically spent half her time in the hospital or doctor's office. The thought of Santana having to deal with her and her disease when she had made it very clear that hospitals and sickness was not her thing made Brittany's stomach sick. There was a fine line between dealing with a friend who was sick, and kissing someone whose life was sick._

_Brittany couldn't help but think of all those times the tanned girl freaked out in the hospital, and panicked at the sound of beeping machines. It would be selfish to kiss her. It would be overwhelmingly amazing for the blonde, but what did it mean long term for Santana? All Brittany could see was a lot of heartache in store for the smaller girl, and if there was one thing that triumphed over everything- it was that the blonde hated seeing the latina upset. _

_She couldn't be selfish. She couldn't bring Santana into her messed up broken life. She deserved to be happy and free. And if there was one thing Brittany was sure of, her life...was as far from free as you could manage. _

_She stopped making circles on the tanned skin beneath her finger and looked up, locking eyes with the girl in front of her. Everything in her body was screaming to just reach over and kiss her harder than she had ever kissed anyone. To show her that she had been feeling the same thing this whole time, that she wanted it too. Her body was screaming at her, she could almost hear it. _

_A tear fell down her cheek as she took in the brunette in front of her whose eyes were squinting a little at the blonde's lack of response. Brittany wanted to say something, but she didn't really know how to word all that was running through her head. She didn't want the girl to feel unwanted, because she was desperately wanted. More than she could probably imagine. But she also couldn't stand the thought of hurting her, and she wanted her to know that too. She moved to speak, but before she could get the words to rise out of her throat- the brunette had pulled her hand away from her own. She rose her other hand defensively- motioning her to stop as she shook her head slowly. _

"_Don't" _

"_Sant-" _

"_Take me home." Santana breathed out slowly, tears falling quickly. She felt embarrassed and completely mad at herself for blurting out such a thing. She had probably ruined her friendship with Brittany, and the thought felt like a dagger twirling around in her ribcage. _

"_Stop, Santana, you don'-"_

"_Take. Me. Home." Santana was angry now. She said the words through gritted teeth, and turned herself away from the blonde as a defense mechanism. She wasn't sure what hurt the most. The fact that she admitted that she wanted to kiss her, or the fact that Brittany didn't. She was pretty sure they tied. _

_Brittany reached to touch the girl's arm. Partly because she wanted to comfort her, and selfishly because she wanted to feel the latina's warmth against her again. Before any contact could be made, Santana had pulled away and was already making her way to the car. Brittany sat for a moment, trying to get her breathing to return to normal. How was this the right thing, if they were both so hurt? She knew it was the right thing, she knew she had to protect Santana from a life she would hate. But why was it so fucking hard?_

* * *

Brittany missed Santana. They had a completely deafening car ride home that morning. Nothing but silence up until they pulled into Santana's driveway and the sound of gravel was heard hitting the undercarriage of the car. Brittany was hoping this would all go differently, that they could talk about why she didn't kiss her. She wanted to scream that it wasn't what she wanted, that she was doing this to protect her. To save her.

Regardless of what they wanted to say, neither spoke. And Brittany watched the tiny girl disappear into her house and simply stared sadly for a few minutes afterwards. Hoping that she would reappear.

Since then, they hadn't spoken. Neither had tried to text or call and the distance was certainly taking it's toll on the blonde, who hadn't slept since then. Everytime she closed her eyes she saw her sweet face, and the rejection she felt. More than anything she wanted to make it right, to hug her and let her know why she did what she did. She was never the best at explaining things but she somehow had to let the latina know that it wasn't her. It definitely wasn't her.

She finally made up her mind to call the latina tomorrow. This distance was killing her, and her body was about to go into a frenzy if she didn't see the girl soon. All the feelings she felt now were starting to piece together and make sense. She had feelings for Santana. And they went far beyond the feelings of friendship- far beyond anything she had known was possible to feel.

Brittany took a sharp intake of air, snuggling further into her pile of soft fur stuffies. Her heart thumped loudly at the thought of hearing Santana's voice tomorrow and Brittany felt a small smile tug at the corners of her lips for the first time in days.

She closed her eyes and this time welcomed the images of the latina that appeared against the black. She knew it was torture, she knew she was only hurting herself by thinking of something she could never have. Something she would never let herself have. But she did it anyway.

* * *

"She's taking it pretty well, I mean look at her." Jocelyn motioned with her finger over to Jillian who was toddling around the room which held her grandfather in a nice deep wood casket. She was dressed in a little black and red dress and was catching the attention of many in the room.

"See Poppa?" she blabbered as she walked up to the casket and stood on her tiptoes her hands reaching high in the air. Everyone smiled quietly at the girl as her attempts failed. After giving up and pouting, she turned her attention towards something else and wobbled away.

She had been doing that all night. It was almost eerily sweet- the fact that she wanted to see him. Anyone that picked her up got an ear full, if they could even understand it. Mostly it consisted of, "Das Poppa, See Poppa" with her little arm extended pointing to the back room. If she wasn't melting the hearts of all those coming to pay respects she was walking around trying to find something small she shouldn't be playing with. Jocelyn was more than annoyed at the latter.

Santana smiled as she watched Jillian run up and wrap her arms around her leg. Jocelyn and Santana had made a promise to not cry at this thing but Jillian was making it extremely hard every time she tried to 'see' her Poppa. They had caught each other several times with teary eyes and the celebration of life wasn't even half over.

"This dress! I got it like a month ago, and I'm pretty positive my ass doesn't even fit in it anymore" Jocelyn interrupted, as she pulled the hem of her dress down to keep it from riding up.

"Psh, they don't make dresses for a ho" Santana smiled slyly at her.

She cut her eye's at the older latina before continuing, "Or it's all that food everyone kept bringing over."

"Or it's just the natural curve of your ass. Don't blame the food." Santana reached down and ruffled Jillian's hair and watched her run off again.

"Don't blame the food." She mocked, as she smiled and linked her arm in similar tanned skin. They had been standing at the entrance and Santana was helping her greet people as they arrived. Jocelyn was never good with showing much emotion either, and had asked Santana to stand with her for moral support. So far it wasn't that bad, they had kept their composure and neither had cried. Yet. Jillian was going to be the end to her streak though, she could feel it.

She was somehow grateful for the events of the last two days. They had kept her mind occupied and her time was completely full of errands, planning and trying to get Jocelyn's life back to normal- whatever that was.

She tried to keep Brittany as far from her thought's as possible. Tried being the key word. The girl would slip in when she least expected it and she would stay for extended periods of time only leaving for brief intervals. Santana both loved it and hated it.

Her heart and body melted at each glimpse her memory produced of the bubbly blonde, and she would sometimes catch herself trying to smile at the images. But just as quickly she would remember the look on her face after Santana had mumbled the two words she wished desperately she could take back. It wasn't that she didn't mean it, she did- with her entire being. But based on the blonde's reaction, she wished she could take it back. She had made an ass out of herself, and potentially lost the best thing to stroll right into her life since...well forever.

She glanced up at Jocelyn who was snapping her fingers near the older girl's face. She made a mental note to be careful with her spacing out moments regarding the blonde. Apparently it was noticeable.

"Whhhh-at" Santana blurted, swatting the smaller girl's hands away.

"Damn you disappear into yourself a lot" Jocelyn accused with her brows furrowed.

Santana rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest, "Yea, I gotta go somewhere when I'm around an asshole for too long."

Jocelyn scoffed before greeting two elderly men who walked through the door. Santana watched as her cousin hugged them and seemed to be acknowledging their grief. She could almost fade everything else in the room out, hearing only the music and seeing only them. She was brought out of her own made up world, when she felt a strong buzzing within the pocket of her dress. She felt her breath catch in her chest as she flipped it over and glanced at the screen. She slowly exhaled as "It's Quinn bitch" popped up on her screen along with an image of the blonde's face. She rolled her eyes and made a mental note to never let the cheer captain have access to her phone again without supervision. Though she hated to say it, she was entirely grateful it was her face that popped up and not a different blonde she had been daydreaming about not even 10 minutes earlier.

She made her way out of the main room before disappearing into a side door that lead to a room that was completely empty. She exhaled slowly and placed the phone up to her ear as she sat down carefully on a small bench near a window.

"Why hello Q, to what do I owe this pleasure." Santana said as if she was annoyed, when in truth she was grateful to be away from all those sad faces and the music that reminded her of her uncle.

"Oh Shut up, Lopez. I thought we were friends."

"We are friends, what are you talking about" Santana's brows were furrowed as she ran through a few scenarios in her head before coming up empty handed.

"You didn't tell me your uncle was sick or..." her voice drifted off slightly before there was a period of silence. Santana winced as she knew what words were coming next so she decided to beat the girl to the punch.

"You know me Q, I don't tell a lot of things." She breathed out slowly, finally letting out air she didn't realize she had been holding captive. She fiddled with a loose string off the side of her dress, twirling it around her thumb.

"Well, you should tell me San. I'm supposed to be your best friend. You were the first I told when I was late after sleeping with Puck." Santana rolled her eyes at the memory, this was definitely not the same thing.

"Not the same thing Quinn."

"You know what I mean, Santana. I know we have one of those relationships that's love the majority of the time but hate like 10%"

"More like 20%" Santana interrupted. "Maybe 30."

"Whatever, the point is I wanted to be there for you if you needed me. You were there for me, even when I didn't know I needed someone." Quinn's voice got really soft and Santana had to struggle to hear the last words she spoke.

"I know Q. I just don't handle emotional situations well, and you know how much I hate hospitals. That's the last thing I needed was for it to end up around school that I was petrified of something." Santana surprisingly admitted.

"San, I wouldn't have told anyone. Plus, I always have your back...remember? We may have the love hate, 10 or 20 thing going on. But you're like my sister...I really wish you would have let me help you."

Santana was taken back a little by Quinn's words, she sounded almost hurt and even though the conniving blonde got on her nerves the majority of the time, she didn't want her to be upset.

"I just had...have- so much going on. I'm not going to apologize because..."

"Yea I know, you don't do that." Santana could almost hear Quinn rolling her eyes as she spoke, "Instead, how about you come hang out with me tonite? Get your mind off all that's going on."

Santana looked out the window and watched as the sky grew darker. The sun had long disappeared beneath the horizon but the sky was still fighting with the night to remain bright. She blinked slowly and bit her lip as an image of the blue eyed blonde flashed before her eyes, her body remembering the warmth of her neck and the smell that invaded her senses. Her body shuddered slightly at the memory.

"Santana?"

The latina quickly licked her lips before responding, "uh, yeah sorry, got distracted." She spent two more seconds arguing with herself about whether she should go before responding quietly. "We can chill tonite, wanna meet around 9? This thing is over around 8:45."

"Yea. How about a movie at my house?" Quinn seemed to get a little cheery as the conversation went on.

"That's fine. I'll see you then." Santana sighed "And Q?"

"Yea?"

"I'm..." Santana started to apologize but her breath caught in her throat.

"Yea I know. See you soon."

Santana pulled the phone away and smiled lightly to herself. Her whole life seemed to be in a constant state of disarray. She hated how she couldn't count on anything to stay consistent. The only thing that remained the same was...

She didn't want to think of her anymore. Or about what happened the other morning, instead she preferred to push all those thoughts to the very back of her mind. Though, almost in protest, her heart seemed to reach back forcing her to deal with all the feelings she tried desperately to ignore.

* * *

The air was chilled as it brushed against Santana's face. She was standing in the doorway of the funeral home watching as the last person started their car and made their way towards the exit. Jocelyn was grabbing a few picture frames and other various memorabilia they had brought for the services. She was mumbling something in Spanish and it caused the older latina to chuckle as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"You know, you could help a sista out..." Jocelyn managed to say as she tried to shut the door behind her.

"Eh, then I'd have nothing to laugh at." Santana stuck out her tongue and reached behind to close the door, making sure it was locked.

"You gonna come over for the feast of food?" Jocelyn tried to make small talk as they came to a stop in front of their cars. She unlocked the doors and started shoving the pictures next to Jillians empty car seat.

"I think I'm gonna go hang out with Quinn, unless you need me? She was wiggin earlier, so I figured she needed some friend time."

"Ah okay. Well, if you get done early- swing by. I know you haven't really been sleeping lately- maybe we could play games or something." Jocelyn smiled before leaning in to give the older girl a hug.

"Don't forget to save me some chicken, ho nugget." Santana breathed out into dark curly hair.

"Imma eat it all myself." Jocelyn whispered before kissing Santana's shoulder and pulling away.

Santana rolled her eyes, "You don't even eat meat but nice try."

Jocelyn smiled and climbed into her car before blowing a kiss and driving off. Santana smiled to herself before climbing in her own car and blaring the stereo. She hoped the loudness of the music would prevent her mind from drifting. At this point she wasn't sure she could handle emotion from anyone else today, including herself.

As she drove the short distance to Quinn's she was thankful that the music did infact help keep her thoughts at bay. She caught herself singing along to several songs and even smiling a time or two at the lyrics. But just as quickly as she had been oblivious, she was met with flashes of blue eyes and she felt her chest sink into her stomach, fighting the feeling of being unable to breath.

She missed Brittany, and she missed the content feeling she felt whenever she was around the blonde. It almost seemed like every single part of her being just needed to be next to her. She shook the thought from her head. She knew she wasn't supposed to feel that way for a girl.

She stopped short in front of Quinn's house and smiled as she saw the girl open the door slightly, her blonde hair perfectly in place and her clothes wrinkle free. The latina had to give it to the girl- she always looked nothing short of perfection. Nothing was ever out of place.

She managed to pull herself out of the car and was soon being enveloped in a hug from the blonde. Something she immediately felt her body tense in response to, they never hugged. At least not on the regular.

"Stop tensing." Quinn laughed as she pulled away. "Come on."

Within minutes they had already settled on the couch and were trying to decide on which movie to sit through. They had been arguing about it for nearly 20 minutes, not agreeing on a single title.

"The Notebook?" Quinn suggested without looking up from the pile of DVD's in front of her.

"Yeah, cause I haven't cried enough in the last few days. Pick that one." Santana rolled her eyes and shifted under the blanket she had pulled overself.

"Devil Wears Prada?" Quinn suggested without responding to her.

"Don't wanna see Hathaway right now." Santana grumbled, this was turning out to be the worst idea ever.

"Oh! Love it!" she grabbed a case and started putting a DVD into the player, "How about Josie and the Pussycats! No one can resist a corny movie!" Quinn seemed so enthusiastic about her choice that Santana didn't have the energy to object. She just rolled her eyes.

The movie started playing and Santana curled further into herself and felt her body threaten to start producing tears. Why? She couldn't really explain, she just felt a little overwhelmed at all that was going on in her life. That and she was pretty sure she was having withdrawals from Brittany. She missed her presence.

She knew that sounded cornier than the movie she was watching, but this time she didn't even care.

Her phone buzzed next to her and she brought the screen up from under the covers to glance at it. One new text message. She swiped at her screen, and her breath caught as the name flashed in front of her eyes. She glanced quickly over at Q who was singing along with the girls on the screen before returning her eyes to her phone.

_INBOX BRTT: Can we talk? _

Santana's mouth immediately went dry as she nervously tried to decide whether to respond to or not. She was still so hurt by the way the blonde acted and embarrassed about the fact that it happened at all. But at the same time, every fiber of her being wanted to know what the taller girl wanted to talk about. She couldn't help herself as she typed.

_SENT: When?_

She threw her phone back down, snuggling up in the blankets and tried to focus on the movie that was playing out on the screen in front of her. This had never been a favorite movie of hers, but at least it didn't involve anyone dying or any tears. Her favorite had always been the blonde of the wanna be group- although that actress sometimes annoyed her.

Her phone buzzed again and she quickly reached down, side glancing at Q before swiping again at the screen.

_INBOX BRITT: Now? I can meet you somewhere or you can come over here? _

Santana's heart immediately started to race. She in no way thought she would have to deal with all this tonite. Plus she was supposed to be hanging out with Quinn, she couldn't just leave in the middle of it. Well if she was gonna be honest it was more so the _beginning_ of it. The movie had barely taken off.

But yet, all she could think about was the 'Brittany feeling' she felt every time they were together. The desire to feel it again forced her fingers to move on their own.

_SENT: I can come to you. It'll be like 20-30 minutes. I'm not home. _

She sent the text before taking a big breath in and holding it for several seconds. How she was going to do this without completely upsetting the blonde in front of her she had no idea. She toyed with several options in her head before looking down at her phone again.

_INBOX BRITTANY: I'll be here. _

Santana clicked her phone off and moved the covers off her legs and glanced sideways at Q. Her brain was telling her to stick it out with Quinn and she could see Brittany another time, but her heart was screaming at her to fucking teleport into Brittany's vicinity as soon as possible. The desire to be in the girl's presence seemed to triumph over any other doubt the latina had.

"Quinn, I think I just wanna go home." Santana spoke up, her voice quivering slightly. She hoped the blonde didn't notice.

"Huh, you just got here." Quinn pouted.

"I know, I just- I'm not feelin it. Too much is going on in my head and I can't even enjoy it." Santana said honestly. "Can we just have a rain check?"

Quinn seemed to think a moment before she folded her arms across her chest. "Where are you going then?"

The question caught Santana off guard, she thought Quinn would just let her leave. " What do you mean, where am I going? I just don't feel like hanging out." Santana was starting to get snappy.

"After your phone buzzed like 4 times." Quinn motioned her eyes down to the object grasped in the latina's hand. Santana stood up and grabbed her keys without answering the other girl.

"Q just drop it. I appreciate you trying to help me, I just really can't do this right now. The movie is corny, and the silence is deafening. Just let me be." Santana snapped.

Quinn stood up and smacked her legs in annoyance. "You make it so hard to be there for you, why can't you just accept it."

Santana rolled her eyes and turned to look at the blonde. "I do accept it. I just can't right now. Please, Q?"

Quinn dropped her arms before lowering her voice to a whisper. "Please don't shut me out San. Imma bitch I know, but so are you. I can help you through this." Quinn smirked slightly.

Santana smiled before making her way down the front steps and to her car.

"You're a bigger bitch." Santana laughed as she got in the car.

"Says you..._also_ a bitch. Invalid." Quinn laughed before turning to go back inside.

"Call me," were the last words Santana heard before the music in her car was blaring again, and she was driving almost automatically towards the one place she needed to be more than she needed to breathe.

The music wasn't working this time, and she felt her mind start to wander towards the way her chest seemed to cave when she uttered those two words to the girl she had been admiring for so long.

_Kiss me._

She nearly rolled her eyes at her own forwardness. She still couldn't believe she had said it, she was never one to be forward. Much less to a girl.

The last part made her wince. She had known for a while that her feelings for Brittany were going way beyond a friend level. She had sensed the way her body reacted when she was simply in the girl's presence and the way her heart hung on every word that fell off the blondes pouty lips. She had never felt this way, not even when she was in relationships. Sure she liked to get her mack on and let off some steam with boys on occasion, but she had never had anything coarse through her veins the way Brittany Pierce seemed to flow through hers.

She had feelings for a girl. It was like she had to tell herself repeatedly for it to actually be true or for her to at least admit it. This wasn't just a feeling, like 'oh that girl's hot'...no these were plural. _Multiple _deep feelings. The thought made her feel slightly light headed. Santana didn't do feelings and this was all extremely new to her. She felt like her body was about to go to war with itself, she could literally feel all her cells going into shock and the tiny hair on her arms standing at attention. She willed herself to breathe normal but all that came out were puffs of shallow gasps.

Before she knew it, she was in front of the Pierce household. All the lights were off and Santana briefly considered driving away, and telling Brittany that she was too tired. It was after 10:40 and Santana could totally play off that. Especially since she hadn't slept in days- she was positive she looked like a low grade run down version of Eva Mendes. Without the mole.

She shook her head, she was hotter than her even on a bad day.

She pulled out her phone as she made her way up the walk way and stopped on the front porch. She quickly sent a text to Brittany telling her she was here. It was way too late to use the doorbell and Santana had a gut feeling that Brittany's mom had no idea of their meeting.

Within a second the door cracked open and Santana could make out a figure gesturing her inside. Her heart was going about a mile a minute as she took the few steps inside and felt a breeze brush past her arms as the door was shut.

"Come on. Upstairs." Brittany breathed quietly close to the latina as she turned to walk back up the stairs.

Santana swallowed slowly. She wasn't sure if she was so on edge because of being in the blonde's presence or from the girl's shallowed whisper. Either way she felt like Mrs. Pierce would be able to hear her heart thumping inside her ribcage as she slept. She willed it to slow down, but almost as if in protest she could have sworn it only thumped louder.

She quietly followed Brittany into the unfamiliar territory of her room. She felt like she was entering sacred territory and suddenly felt a little embarrassed at seeing the inside of the blonde's room. She bit her lip unconsciously and looked over at the blonde who was in a pair of tight black shorts with a loose sweatshirt enveloping her upper body. She watched as the blonde shut the door quietly before turning on the light in her room.

Brittany felt sweaty. In fact she was positive she was, despite the fact that she was cold. She couldn't seem to take a deep breath of air so her lungs seemed to settle on shallow breaths that made it hard for her to think coherently. She made her way past the brunette and sat in the middle of her bed, crossing her legs beneath her. She glanced up and noticed the brunette was smiling at her, allowing a smile to creep up on her own cheeks.

"Can we talk, please?" Brittany questioned.

Santana walked a few paces before easing herself down on the white chest that was placed perfectly at the foot of the blonde's bed. She desperately needed to be close to Brittany but at the same time she felt like she needed a cloud of space to prevent her heart from ripping through her chest like the hulk.

"Talk then" Santana said as she turned finally making eye contact with the girl on the bed. Both didn't move or speak. Before the other day, Brittany just loved being close to the brunette but since the girl had muttered those two tiny words, all she could hear when she looked at the latina was 'kiss me'. And God did she want to.

She struggled for a few seconds, getting lost in the depth of the brown eyes that were looking so deep into her own she was certain she felt it inside her soul. She tried to break eye contact but couldn't. She licked her lips slowly before feeling a shiver run the length of her spine, dissipating at her toes. She broke eye contact, quickly glancing at the latina's puffy lips before down at her own hands.

" I wanted to explain, " She paused briefly glancing up at the brunette before returning her attention to the bedspread beneath her. "About the other morning...I"

Santana felt her stomach start to do flips and interjected quickly, "Forget about it, I was just upset. It was a mistake."

"Don't say th-"

"I mean...fuck," Santana paused and exhaled slowly trying to gather herself so she wasn't so angry. "I had just lost my uncle and my world was falling apart and I just said it..it didn't mean anything."

Brittany couldn't help but smile as the latina rambled. Defensive mechanisms rising and the walls that guarded the precious girl trying to build themselves up in a frantic attempt at saving herself. For a second she allowed herself to believe that it all meant nothing. That it was all a mistake. She let her heart sink and her soul cry out- but only for a second. She watched as the latina fumbled with her left wrist as she spoke never making eye contact.

"...And then you were there and I don't know... you were sweet and I just wanted to forget about what was happening. It was dumb. I'm sorry, I just-"

"You can stop rambling now, and let me talk maybe?" Brittany finally spoke up.

Santana looked up as her chest heaved up and down, she was positive she had just made no sense at all in her long ramble but she was trying to find anyway to explain her actions the previous day. To protect herself from the ultimate downfall of 'we can't be friends' or 'what the hell was that about'. She finally allowed herself to breathe and for the first time realized that she was gripping her wrist so tight her hand was slightly red. She quickly let go watching as the white area returned to color as she tried to compose herself.

"You ramble more than Lord T when he has those energy drinks." Brittany laughed before glancing back up at the brunette. "And boy can he ramble."

Santana couldn't help but smile at the comment and roll her eyes at the same time. Somehow the girl could always make her smile no matter what feeling was welling in her chest.

"Speaking of that cat, he needs to realize he can't stare when I'm in the bathroom. Last time I was here he just sat in the sink and watched." Santana glared up at the blonde with a smirk.

"He's just curious!" Brittany retorted with a laugh which caused Santana to let out a laugh herself.

A comfortable silence fell between them. It was a nice change from the tenseness that filled the room only minutes before and neither tried to speak, for worry that it would return.

"I couldn't kiss you." Brittany breathed out in a barely there whisper. Her nerves were getting the best of her, but she knew she had to explain herself. She couldn't stand the brunette thinking that she was unwanted.

Santana didn't respond she just bowed her head slightly but glanced up with her eyes. She gripped her wrist again. This right here was why she didn't do feelings. Because with feeling's it was just too damn hard.

"You don't have to make excuses, Brittany." Santana tried to act stiff and void of emotion but the blonde saw right past it and continued as if the latina had never spoken.

"I said couldn't." Brittany spoke slowly and softly, her own hands trembled in her lap. She had never opened up to anyone like this before and the thought of what was happening or what could happen made her cheeks flush involuntarily. She was scared. Not of what she was about to say, but of what it meant for their friendship. But the swollen feeling within her chest and the way she had to keep her hands clenched together to prevent them from reaching towards the brunette said otherwise. She felt like her body was magnetized and she was being pulled towards the smaller girl, but she fought it. She had too. She'd be selfish otherwise.

She made eye contact with deep brown orbs and watched as they searched her own eyes for answers. She couldn't help her eyes as they fell to the girl's tiny nose and dipped down to glance at her lips before returning her gaze back to her eyes. Something that didn't go unnoticed by the brunette.

"I'm sick." Brittany finally said.

Santana looked confused. The conversation seemed to jump in a completely different direction. She tilted her head slightly but didn't break eye contact with the blonde. "Yea, I know."

"Like all the time, Santana. Remember how horrible those few weeks were when you had to go see your uncle everyday. That's my life. Like 60 percent of the time." Brittany felt like her heart was trying to scream but her brain was fighting to keep her voice soft. "I'm always in the doctor's office, dealing with needles, being admitted to the hospital, or just sick at home. I have very few days that aren't revolving around my health."

Santana furrowed her brows. She was still confused. Her heart was racing as she watched the blonde seem to unravel in front of her eyes. Whatever it was she was trying to say, it was obviously hard for her and Santana briefly considered moving to sit next to the girl, but she was afraid. Instead she remained seated and tried to understand what Brittany was attempting to say.

"Britt, what does this have to do wi-"

"I've seen you Santana. I've seen how upset you get when you walk through the doors of hospitals. I've seen how you cringe when the blood pressure machine beeps. The way you grip your wrist when you are in the room too long. Or how you wrinkle your forehead when you see a needle. I notice all that. It's hard for you." She paused briefly as tears prickled at her eyes. "Its more than hard- its unbearable. And I hate seeing you upset."

Santana's heart melted at Brittany's words. She had trouble focusing on what the blonde was trying to say because all she could focus on was the fact that she had noticed little things about her. She couldn't help the smile that pulled at the corner of her mouth, or the way she had trouble breathing full breaths. Her heart was taking up too much room. But she wasn't complaining.

"It's not fair." Brittany whispered.

"What's not fair?" Santana waited with a lump in her throat that she forced down with a silent swallow.

Brittany fiddled with the comforter before glancing up and locking eye's with the chocolate orbs. Chocolate orbs that melted her heart, yet kept her up for days.

"I said I _couldn't_ kiss you, that doesn't mean I didn't _want_ to."

Santana's breath caught in her chest. She winced a little as if she heard her wrong. She was positive her pulse was racing and her hands were trembling. She tried to say something but her mouth felt like cotton and she struggled to form a word, any word.

"But I couldn't." Brittany repeated herself sadly. "I couldn't kiss you, and wrap you up in a world that you hate."

Santana felt her chest ache at the sadness in Brittany's voice. She struggled to comprehend what the girl was saying, when her mind was too busy focusing on the fact that the blonde wanted to kiss her. She couldn't believe that Brittany would worry about something like that and the fact that she did made Santana want to kiss her more.

"Britt, a world with you in it." Santana paused to make sure her voice didn't tremble before continuing. "I could never hate that."

Brittany let out a quick puff of air and felt a tear leave her eye silently, as she saw the brunette get up from the bench to sit next to her on the bed. Without thinking she leaned over, wrapping her arms around the smaller girl and nuzzling her face in the warmth of her tan neck. Her skin burned where it made contact with the latina and she felt her chest bubble as she inhaled against the girl's flesh.

Santana gripped tightly and felt her body finally release the tension it had been holding onto for the past two days. She silently rubbed the girl's back, her chest quickening as she felt the girl's hot breath moisten her neck.

"You know what else isn't fair?" Santana whispered.

Brittany mumbled in response in coherently.

"You actually think something you can't help, a disease you can't control... would keep me away from you." Santana said her voice shaking slightly. "No hospital, no disease, no amount of needles could keep me from you."

Brittany gripped tighter against the brunette's neck and inhaled deeply again, wishing for this moment to last forever. She could endure a lifetime of nothing special, if she could just have 5 more minutes enveloped with her skin on fire.

"I haven't left yet have I?" Santana nudged Brittany in the side slightly causing the blonde to smile against tanned skin.

"Can I ask you something?" Brittany whispered against the brunette's neck, causing a wave of goosebumps to appear along the girl's arms.

"Anything."

"Kiss me?"

Santana clamped her eyes shut and her entire body seemed to ache in the same moment. She was positive Brittany could hear her heart racing or her skin bubbling. Both equally as embarrassing. She licked her lips slowly and pulled Brittany away from her slightly. In that moment it felt like she was drowning again. Only this time it wasn't a bad feeling, it was the most amazing feeling she had ever experienced. She couldn't hear anything but her movements. It was as if she could hear her arm as it parted the air between them and gently held the edge of Brittany's chin. She could hear the tiny bolts of electricity as her finger grazed over the pale skin of the blonde's jawline. She definitely didn't hate this feeling. She could live her entire life drowning, if it meant drowning in Brittany.

She licked her lips one more time, as her own breath sounds filled her ears. Her eyes glanced down at the pink lips that were slightly parted before glancing back into the ocean eyes that captivated her since that day by the fountain. She had always been drowning, just not in the way she thought.

Brittany's breath caught in her chest as she watched the brunette lean closer to her. She could feel the girl's warm breath cascade off her lips and she licked her lips involuntarily trying to taste her presence.

With one last flicker of eye contact, Santana leaned forward slowly, bringing the girl's chin towards her before shutting her eyes and brushing her lips against the blondes. She inhaled immediately at the contact, and smiled at the idea of inhaling air that was once Brittany's. She slowly moved her lips, a part of her dying each time they slid smoothly against the blondes. It was sweet and soft, despite the amount of heat that radiated from both of their bodies and neither showed signs of stopping. Santana moved her hand to the nape of Brittany's neck as her free hand fell to the blonde's back gripping her closer as her lips continued to move effortlessly.

She gasped when she felt Brittany's tongue tickling the outer edge of her lip and she returned the gesture, their tongues colliding hotly in the process. Santana couldn't stop herself from deepening the kiss nor could she stop the moan that filled Brittany's mouth. The blonde moaned in response and Santana could have sworn she felt the vibrations deep within her stomach. Brittany pulled away slowly, her breath uneven and her chest heaving. Her forehead was pressed against the latina's but her eye's were focused solely on her lips.

Santana tried not to let her mind wander into the territory of what all this meant. She tried to let her body just be in the moment. Her chest heaved despite the brief pause but she payed no attention to it, and bent down pecking the blondes lips slowly, her lip getting caught in between Brittany's before it fell back into place.

"I should have done that yesterday." Brittany was the first to speak, her cheeks flush and her hands trembling slightly.

"It's okay." Santana whispered, her breath invading Brittany's nostrils as the blonde inhaled deeply. "This was better."


	11. When You Hold Me

**Chapter 10- When You Hold Me**

If someone had told Brittany that she would be nose to nose with a tanned brunette on her bed she would have told them they were crazy. And that was coming from her. Yet here she was, out of breath and about to have her eyes roll back in her head as the girl in front of her pressed her palm further against the small of her back. Their foreheads still touching and curtains of blonde and black keeping them in their own dream world.

Brittany glanced up and tried to engrain the moment in her memory forever. She wanted to count every eyelash and memorize every curve of the latina's face just incase she never got another chance to be this close to her again. Her entire body felt like it was on fire and there was a slight buzzing on the surface of her skin that reminded her of bumblebees in the spring. She even felt a slight stinging in her chest that seemed to pierce her lungs, forcing her to inhale sharply. Santana's eyes shot up at the sudden change, making contact with the blondes for the first time since their lips touched. Brittany swallowed the knot that was trying to form around her vocal cords and let the depth of the brown eyes before her swallow her whole. Normally, the deep brown was so dark it almost seemed to blend in with the girl's pupils, but tonite Brittany found herself staring at something completely different. A lighter auburn color was bursting throughout the darker shade, and the blonde could have sworn she saw a sliver or two of gold. It made Brittany's breath get lost within her chest again.

Santana was panting slightly, still recovering from the feeling of having the blondes lips against her own. Her nails dug slightly into the girl's back as she remembered the feeling and her lips tingled in its memory. Her heart was hammering so loud she couldn't even hear her own ragged breaths, all she could focus on was the hot air that pressed against her lips with every breath the blonde exhaled.

She felt like she was out of control. That in any moment she would burst with all the feelings coursing through her body. The more she thought about it, the quicker her breaths became and the tighter she gripped the blonde in front of her. She could feel her lips twitching as she licked them involuntarily, keeping her eyes focused on Brittany. She wanted to control herself, to tell herself to back up and take a breather but her body refused to even consider it. Willing herself to pull away she tried to lift her head slightly but failed miserably, her head felt too heavy. She could smell Brittany. Not her perfume, _her_. The intoxicating smell that she inhaled as they kissed, the smell that seemed to incinerate every airway in her chest. As she sat there, she could smell it again.

Brittany blinked slowly and Santana watched as the girl's tongue slipped out slightly before beckoning her bottom lip into her mouth where it was held slightly between teeth. Santana tried to stop herself. But she could smell _her_, and her chest could feel _her. _Brittany's eyes flashed up and Santana felt like her chest was heaving uncontrollably in preparation for what was about to happen. Brittany dipped her head quickly and rejoined their lips in a slower,yet harder kiss. Santana felt the bruising intensity and it made her hand fall loosely from the girl's back as she seemed to lose control of herself. Her body seemed to surrender. Brittany felt the tenseness leave the brunette and pulled away, bringing Santana's bottom lip with her slightly before letting it fall back into place. She pecked her lips softly once. Then twice.

Santana opened her eyes again once Brittany had pulled back slightly- a sudden rush of cooler air hitting her face.

"I...uhh" Santana began as she tried to even out her breaths. She pulled further away from the blonde so they were no longer touching, her gaze falling to her own hands. Her heart was racing, but not in the same way it was before. This was in panic. Her head was finally catching up with what had just happened and she felt like her body was trying to propel itself out of the second story window.

Brittany knitted her eyebrows in confusion, the mood around her had shifted in an instant and she silently begged for it to go back to how it was minutes earlier. She had felt so carefree, so swollen, so hot- and in a single moment it all dissipated and now she felt afraid.

Santana moved her legs off the edge of the bed and stood up, straightening her dress in the process. She couldn't do this. She wasn't ready.

Brittany stood with her, arms falling loosely to her sides. She ran her fingers through her hair as she took in the way the brunette seemed overly agitated, rummaging through her purse. She was going to run away again, Brittany could feel it. She felt tears prick the corners of her eyes as she attempted to prepare herself for the inevitable. She knew this about Santana. She knew that the girl ran when she felt overwhelmed but it didn't stop the pain from exploding in her chest when it happened.

In a quick motion, Santana flipped her purse over her shoulder when she finally located her keys. "I should go," she said above a whisper without making eye contact. "I have school in the morning, and I promised Jocelyn I'd meet her for breakfast. So I shoul-"

Brittany reached out and encircled her fingers around the brunette's wrist. She didn't really know what she was doing, she just knew her body reacted on it's own. She couldn't imagine watching the brunette walk away again, it hurt too much. She didn't know why it hurt, but it felt like she couldn't breathe every time it happened.

"San..."

Santana glanced up, looking at the blonde through her thick eyelashes-her entire body screaming to run away. Her soul was even yelling at her to move towards the door, but her feet remained rooted as she stared into blue orbs. Her lip quivered slightly.

"Britt, I can't...I can't d-"

"You don't have to." Brittany cut her off quickly, their eyes never drifting apart. Santana parted her lips to speak but closed them as if her words would be too hard to say. Her skin still burned from the blonde's touch but she knew it would hurt even worse if the girl were to let go. She let her eyes fall to the fingers holding her wrist captive. She silently wished for the girl to never let go despite her urge to run.

"I can't" Santana whispered, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"Please" Brittany whispered back. "It makes me feel heavy when you leave." She could feel herself nearly pouting but she didn't really care.

"Heavy?" Santana was being roped in, she could feel it. But a tiny part of her begged for it.

Brittany nodded. "It's like you take my air with you when you walk away."

Santana didn't know what to say. She felt like her brain was pulling her in one direction while her heart forced her to stare at Brittany's pout.

"Don't leave." Brittany continued slowly, "Stay."

Brittany pulled slightly on Santana's wrist causing her arms to fall, creating a link between them. Santana didn't speak nor did she listen to her brain that was still yelling at her to jump out the window. She didn't want to see Brittany upset and that desire completely outweighed her urge to escape. She felt herself being pulled back towards the bed and this time she didn't object. She watched as Brittany climbed underneath the covers- letting go of Santana's hand in the process.

The latina knew this was her moment. She could very easily turn and leave without a word and be free. She took one more glance down at the blonde getting situated under the covers and battled internally for a few seconds before her eyes met Brittany's and she let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

She couldn't leave. If the look on Brittany's face wasn't enough to make her start taking off her heels, the feeling inside her chest was. She wanted to be free, she wanted all of these confusing feelings to go away- but in the same moment, she ached to be held captive by it all.

She slipped under the covers slowly and felt the blonde shuffle slightly so her back was flush against her chest. Santana's breath caught in her throat as she inhaled the floral scent that seemed to surround her. She no longer felt tense, it was as if a weird calm had washed over her and all she could focus on was the smell that invaded her nostrils and the sound of Brittany's breathing.

It was hard to tell which girl fell asleep first. Neither had slept in days but within minutes both had passed out- Brittany clutching her blankets around her neck and Santana with her hands twisted against her own chest, her forehead resting hotly against the blonde's back.

* * *

Santana felt a puff of hot air hit her face causing her eyelashes to flutter. She could tell by the red glow against her eyelids that it was morning, but her eyelids seemed too heavy to open. Another hot puff of air hit her face and she knitted her eyebrows in confusion. She slowly cracked one eye noticing a curtain of blonde surrounding her which caused her to snap her other eye open. The events of the night came drifting back to her slowly as she felt her heart start to hammer inside her chest. Her entire body grew hot when she realized her dress had shimmied up at some point in the night and their bare legs were entangled.

She swallowed thickly trying to control the heat radiating throughout her body. Reaching out, she lightly brushed the hair away from the blonde's face. Her breath hitched when Brittany was fully exposed, the girl looking peaceful in the midst of sleep and dreams. She couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips at the sight. She let her fingers fall slowly, grazing the girls jawline in the process before she snuggled them back against her chest.

She glanced from the girl's freckles to her nose before letting her eyes fall to her lips. She felt her cheeks flush as the memory of kissing the same lips popped into her head. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch them and resisted the even _stronger _urge to dip down and let her lips brush against them again. She didn't know which feeling was stronger- the desire to be closer to the blonde- or the panic at what it all meant.

She inhaled deeply and smiled as she saw the blonde snuggle slightly closer. She knew she had to leave soon if she had any hopes of arriving to school on time, but something kept her there, staring at the girl in front of her. She wanted to rustle her awake softly so she could hear her voice before she had to spend a whole day without it.

Then again, if the girl woke up, Santana was positive she wouldn't know what she should say. She felt so overwhelmed she would probably wind up saying something that hurt the girl's feelings by mistake. She battled for a moment, not knowing which she should do. She felt another hot breath hit her face and she smiled slightly before slowly trying to make her way out of the covers. It took every ounce of stealth the latina had to get out of that bed without the blonde waking up. Their legs had been hotly intermingled and it took great skill on Santana's part to escape without so much as an eyelash fluttering from the blonde.

There was no use in both of them being up this early- plus the girl needed her sleep too. She definitely didn't want Brittany to get sick again. This way she also avoided any awkwardness or any sort of discussion. Santana let out a sigh of relief when she finally was standing next to the bed, while a sleeping Brittany clung to the pillow next to her.

Santana found a small piece of paper and scribbled a note quickly, leaving it on the edge of the bed before grabbing her purse and slowly tiptoeing out of the room- shoes in hand. She loved the way Brittany's house looked, almost like a little cottage with pictures and all sorts of little knick knacks perfectly scattered. The house felt so homey and full of character.

She had made it down the stairs and was walking towards the front door when a creaking sound made her stop abruptly. She clamped her eyes shut and silently hoped she imagined the whole thing.

"Santana?"

She winced, cursing under her breath before twirling around on the hardwood while running fingers through her messy hair. Her dress was still disheveled and she was positive she looked like a wreck. But that was nothing compared to the sheer terror that was raging within her body as she made eye contact with the older woman in front of her. So much for sneaking out.

"M-Mrs. Pierce" Santana stuttered as she felt her palms grow sweaty. This was bad. No, this was worse than bad. This looked horrible. Santana knew Brittany's mom would know- she would know that they kissed. She was sure it was written all over her dopey ass face. She felt herself growing more and more paranoid as the older woman stared at her, a slight smile appearing on her face.

"I didn't know you were here." Brittany's mom brushed the front of her shirt as if wiping invisible crumbs away.

"Uh, yea." Santana seemed to stumble over her words. "I came over last night and I guess I fell asleep. I'm sorry."

Mrs. Pierce chuckled slightly before waving her hand towards the latina, "No need to apologize. You must have been exhausted."

"Yea, I was." Santana mumbled quickly and pointed towards the door. "Cheerleading practice."

"Of course, of course. Have a great day." The older woman followed the latina outside and watched the girl disappear down the walkway before climbing inside her car.

Santana couldn't tell if her car was making the loud thumping sound bouncing within her ears or if it was her heart hitting her ribs. How her life had gotten so shaken up in the last few weeks she couldn't seem to wrap her head around. She didn't recognize the world around her, nor did she recognize the people in it. In fact she wasn't sure she even recognized herself anymore.

She felt herself sweat as her anxiety level rose and she panicked even more. She didn't even bother turning on the music as she knew it wouldn't help. There was nothing worth all the changes she was being forced to face. Nothing.

Santana couldn't help the way her mind flashed to Brittany and the way her hand fit perfectly against the small of the blonde's back or the way her lips felt against her own. She forced a swallow as she felt her stomach knot up and twist. She clamped her eyes shut briefly and sucked in air as she remembered the hot tongue that had invaded her mouth the night before. Her mouth filled with saliva forcing her to swallow again. She shook her head. She shouldn't be thinking of that. It only added more complication to everything else going on in her life.

She had kissed a girl. Santana Lopez had just willingly and with passion- kissed another girl. She smiled to herself before mentally slapping herself. No. This wasn't a good thing. It didn't matter that in that moment she felt more alive than she ever felt kissing a boy. Nor did it matter that she didn't even have to be kissing the blonde to feel that way- her presence was enough. No. None of that mattered- because the only thing the rest of the world would see- would be the fact that she was a woman. Santana winced again at the thought.

She came to a stop, mind still completely in shambles as she hopped out the car and jogged quickly up the walk and into the small house without even knocking.

"Joce! I need your bathroom. I'm late"

"Bitch find your own, I'm not gon-" Jocelyn rounded the corner holding Jillian on her hip before stopping dead in her tracks, her brows knitted in confusion.

"Annd, why are you still wearing the dress from the service last night?" Jillian was reaching out towards Santana, but Jocelyn stayed motionless.

Santana could have kicked herself for not changing. Great. Questions she didn't want to answer. She rolled her eyes before making her way towards the two girls. "Don't look at me like that." Jillian was kicking her legs and waving her hands as Santana approached, causing her mother to wince.

"ntana, ntana" Jillian giggled when Santana grabbed her from Jocelyn and made her way towards the bathroom.

"Oh, I'll look at you that way, ho. Where were you?" Jocelyn was following close behind, her hair wrapped up on her head and her make up half done.

"Droooop it." Santana seemed to sing as she sat Jillian on the counter. "Right Jilly? If Mommy know's what's best for her she will just zip it." Santana was talking in a baby tone as she cradled Jillian's face in her hands before kissing her quickly. She turned her attention towards the mirror and applied some of her eye make up as Jillian watched.

"ntana has a nose," Jillian pointed towards the mirror with one hand as she touched her own nose with her other finger.

"I totally have a nose. Hottest nose you'll ever see." She bopped her finger on Jillian's nose lightly. "next to yours, yours is hot too."

Jillian smiled as she watched Santana perfect herself in the mirror. Her face was still but her eyes were taking in every single detail of what was happening and Santana smirked when she saw the girl so captivated.

"No make up for you, Jilly. Luckily you got _my _looks instead of your-"

"Santana! I can _hear_ you. Stop filling my kids head with nonsense" Jocelyn's voice was shouting from down the hall.

Santana took one last look at herself in the mirror before smirking and pulling her hair into a high ponytail effortlessly. "Nonsense she says...has she _seen_ us?" Santana tickled Jillians sides before scooping her up and carrying her down the hall. She knew Jillian couldn't understand half of what was said to her, but Santana liked to believe that their bond ran deep because of how they interacted. She never treated Jillian like she was a baby- even though she technically still was, instead she just treated her like a mini version of herself. And she found that the bond they shared because of it was a lot stronger than anyone else who was close to the baby latina.

She found Jocelyn sprawled out on the floor in front of the mirror applying mascara with her mouth dropped open. Her hair was still piled on her head.

"Case and point, Jillian." Santana said pointing to the smaller latina on the floor with a fake grimace on her face.

She plopped the little girl down on the bed and made her way towards Jocelyn's closet, flipping through hangers quickly. She may actually make it to school on time. If she could continue her morning without thinking about her uncle or Brittany she was pretty sure she could do it.

She grabbed a striped dress and a black crop jacket before shimmying out of her current dress and watching it fall to the floor. Within seconds she had climbed into her new dress and was admiring herself behind Jocelyn in the mirror.

"How do I look, Jilly?" Santana asked as she turned from side to side.

"Gross" Jocelyn said as she applied lip gloss, with a smirk.

Santana shot her a nasty glare before turning her attention towards the petite tot on the bed. She put her arms on her hips. Jillian held a huge grin and pointed towards Santana, "princess dress."

"I do believe your daughter just called me a princess." Santana smirked before grabbing her purse off the ground. "I've taught her well."

"Whore" Jocelyn whispered with a smirk before glancing at the clock on her side table.

"Don't call yourself that" Santana winked "I'm leav-"

"Shit, I'm so late." The younger latina interrupted causing Santana to stop briefly. "Do me a huge favor?"

Santana narrowed her eyes at the girl's reflection before folding her arms across her chest. "I have a feeling I'm not going to like this."

"I have a feeling you'll hate it, but you'll do it because you love me." Jocelyn made a worried expression as she let her hair loose. "Can you drop Jillian off at preschool on your way to practice, there is no way I can make it there and to school on time."

"And I can?" Santana snapped bitterly.

"Look! You're ready, I'm not. Please?" Jocelyn stuck her lip out in the mirror. "She's already ready, she just needs her coat on."

Santana looked over at Jillian and her annoyance fell slightly when she saw the girl smiling with a toothy grin. "Fine, but only because me and her needs some bonding time."

"Yeah yeah, say what you want. I know you love me." Jocelyn smirked before she began brushing her long dark hair.

Santana slipped into her heels before picking up the toddler from the bed and turning to leave the room. "Say bye to the unattractive version of me, Jilly." Santana giggled.

Jillian began waving behind her before starting to ramble, "bye, bye, bye, bye."

"Santana I swear! If she starts calling me a ho, you are dead to me." Jocelyn shouted as Santana made her way down the hall.

"Lets go, babygirl. Got your hat and this dumb a-," she paused catching herself before continuing "this silly hello kitty backpack your mom insists that you cart around."

Internally Santana was freaking out about being late to cheerio practice. She was also forcing her mind to stay away from the bubbly blonde and the intense feelings of wanting to kiss her again. Externally she was singing 'Baby Beluga' with Jillian as she made her way through traffic before parking at the far end of the parking lot-rushing Jillian inside. She threw her backpack in her cubby and hung up her coat before placing her on the ground, the girl looking a little unsteady on her feet.

"Have a great day, hotness. I'll miss my partner in crime." Santana winked before running a finger along the small chubby cheek. Jillian brought her hands up to either side of the older latina's face before pecking her quickly, imitating the kiss she had received in the bathroom earlier. Santana smiled broadly before swatting at the girl's butt playfully. "Go play."

She managed to sneak out without Jillian fussing too much before rushing the rest of the way to school. She was thankful that there wasn't much traffic and she managed to find a relatively close spot to park. It didn't really matter though, not when she stepped foot into the auditorium and heard the bell ring alerting students that they should be in their first class already. She immediately wanted to shank Jocelyn for making her miss cheerio practice. She was absolutely positive she was going to feel the wrath of Sylvester before the day was over and she made a mental note to project all her snix rage onto Jocelyn in the afternoon. Bitch deserved it.

"Hey San, you're late." She heard a male voice behind her but didn't turn around to greet anyone. She wasn't in the mood.

"Well aren't you observant." She huffed as she turned the corner and made her way to her locker.

"Snarky." Sam laughed before leaning up against the row of metal, staring at the latina as she flipped through her lock combination.

"Always."

"Proposition," he paused briefly before changing his voice slightly, "should you choose to accept it."

Santana turned and narrowed her eyes at him as she grabbed her math and literature book. She replaced it with her purse before slamming the door shut.

"Mission Impossible." he smiled broadly showing off all his teeth causing Santana to tilt her head back slightly in amusement. "There's a new bond movie out on Friday, wanna go?"

Santana pulled the books towards her chest before shifting her weight and trying to read the boy in front of her. Was he seriously asking her out? Again? Sure they had made out on a few occasions but nothing every remotely serious. For some reason the thought of being anything close to intimate with him made Santana's skin crawl. She didn't want to be close to him. She stopped herself before she let her mind fall to a different blonde. Of a different gender.

"Sam, I know you aren't asking me what I think you are" Santana licked her lips in annoyance. Whether it was because of the boy in front of her or because her mind was constantly thinking of Brittany, she didn't know.

"Maybe you'd like to go see-" Sam started but was interrupted when the latina rolled her eyes and started to walk off.

"I'm gonna take that as a no?" Sam said loudly as she continued to walk away.

"I'd be worried about your mental status, if you took that as a yes." Santana said without looking back. She turned a corner and disappeared from his view sighing to herself. It wasn't uncommon for her to get hit on, but for some reason today it was making her blood boil. At least he didn't follow her, he knew better.

"I thought I heard that sweet voice of yours." Santana snapped her attention just in time to see Quinn fall in step next to her.

"Ah, Q. That was just dripping with sarcasm." Santana rolled her eyes. She was going to get in trouble for being so late to class, she just hoped she didn't have to serve detention.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Regardless... I missed you this morning during practice."

"Aw, did the has-been have trouble without her leader?" Santana smirked.

Quinn rolled her eyes before deciding to ignore the latina altogether. "So I decided your raincheck would be cashed in today."

"Says who?" Santana winced at the thought.

"Me. My place. Afterschool. We can go over some cheerio routines."

"Why does this sound like I don't have a choice. Don't you have a child you could get visitation rights to.. or are you over pretending to be a good person?" Santana cut her eyes towards the blonde next to her.

"Someone has a stick up their ass today." Quinn retorted quickly before turning to walk into class.

Santana settled into the desk and breathed a sigh of relief as the teacher continued writing on the board. She couldn't help the way the blood that flowed within her body felt like it was boiling and her skin felt like it was crawling. She wanted to lash out at everyone around her and scream that her life was in turmoil. That nothing was right. That every piece of her life was upside down and spinning out of control.

Except for the piece she gave to Brittany. That was the only piece that was right side up- and somehow that kept her grounded. Somehow the image of the blonde this morning, her hair scattered across the pillow entered Santana's memory. She felt her lips pull into a smile as she remembered the way her bare legs felt being tangled within the long pale limbs.

Before she knew it she was longing to see the girl again. Trying to remember the smell of the girl's flesh. The freckles. And the hot puffs of air that left the perfectly pouty lips she had kissed the night before. She kept repeating the last part to herself as the teacher's voice became lost in her head. She was drowning.

_That she kissed the night before._

* * *

Brittany stared at the book in front of her. Nothing was making much sense to her today. She had tried really hard to comprehend the analogies on the pages in front of her, but they seemed too confusing. Her mom had given her a worksheet to complete and she was curled up on the couch with Lord Tubbington nestled in her lap.

She pulled her hand from under the covers, her fingers gripping the note she had found when she woke up this morning. She had looked at it a million times, and this would make a million and one but she didn't care. It was the only thing that reminded her that last night wasn't a dream, that Santana was actually there. That they had actually _been_ together. Their _lips_ had been together.

Brittany felt her breath get stuck in her lungs as she read the note again.

_B- _

_Have to go to Cheerio Practice. _

_You looked too peaceful to wake. _

_3 San_

It wasn't much, just a few lines, but Brittany couldn't help the way she smiled whenever she read it. She ran her thumb slowly over the heart and the latina's name before shoving it back under the covers when she heard her mother's footsteps.

"Did you finish it, Sweetie?" her mother's voice was sweet and airy causing Brittany's heartbeat to slow back to normal.

"Mostly." Brittany mumbled before flipping a few pages in her book. "Can I ask you a question without you getting upset?"

Brittany's mom turned to her daughter with her brows a little furrowed. "Of course, but if this has anything to do with Santana staying the night, I already know about it."

"Huh? No? But..." Brittany was confused.

"I ran into her this morning, poor thing looked exhausted."

"Oh. Well that's not what I was going to ask." Brittany smiled to herself as she tried to picture how the brunette looked with morning hair.

"Let's not get off topic by asking about hermit crabs and their houses today Brittany, you're behind on your lessons." Her mother's face looked slightly stern but Brittany knew she wasn't annoyed and could press further.

"I think..." Brittany didn't really know how to word what had been flowing around in her head for the last week, so she hoped it came out right. "I kinda want to go to a normal school. Not that I don't love when you teach me. Cause I totally do! You tell me cool things about dolphins and relate everything back to Lord Tubbington or unicorns. It makes math so much easier. I just want to be normal." Brittany let out a long sigh.

"Oh." Brittany's mom scooted closer to Brittany, reaching over to pet the fat cat on her lap. "I understand what you're feeling B, I just worry about you relapsing because of the stress. This is why we started homeschooling to begin with. To make sure you kept up with your studies, and to do what was best for your health."

Brittany frowned as she noticed the worry lines on her mom's forehead appear as she spoke. Somehow her mother had managed to care for her this whole time without complaining or ever showing weakness. She didn't know how she did it. It was an awful lot to take care of someone who was as sick as she was. She felt so grateful that she was somehow picked out of the baby bin to be given to her mom.

"I know, I just want to know what it's like. I think I can do it. I've been feeling a lot better."

"I know, and you are getting better. I just worry about what will happen when you aren't feeling better, B."

Brittany lowered her gaze and watched her cat purr heavily as she scratched his ear, she still held Santana's note tightly in her other hand. "What if I never feel bad again?"

"B...I would love for you to never in your life feel bad again. If anyone deserves that, it's you. But this doesn't just go away. You and I both know that. It's a chronic thing. Long term."

There was a long period of silence. Neither Brittany nor her mom spoke and the only sound was both of their staggered breaths and the sound of slight purring. Brittany's mom was the first to break the silence.

"I'll make you a deal though." Brittany's eyes shot up, she felt slightly hopeful. "If you continue to feel better in the coming weeks, and you actually get your normal sleeping pattern back. I'll consider it."

Brittany lunged herself at her mom, hugging her closely. Lord Tubbington leaped off her lap in annoyance flopping to the ground with a loud thud.

"You're the best." Brittany whispered, squeezing a little harder before pulling away.

"Don't say that yet, I haven't looked over that worksheet." Her mom chuckled before standing up, making her way towards the kitchen. "Finish it, Brittany. I mean it."

Brittany couldn't wipe the smile off her face and it was causing her muscles to grow sore. She pulled out her phone quickly and sent a text to Santana thanking her for the note before trying to concentrate on the worksheet in front of her. She had gotten through half the questions when her phone vibrated next to her.

_INBOX IT BE SNIX YO: School kicked my ass. On my way to hang with Quinn. She's forcing me. _

Brittany frowned. Maybe public school wasn't the best idea, especially not if it kicked people's asses. She didn't even want to imagine how that was possible.

_SENT: Ouch, hopefully not with pointy shoes. :) I'm finishing up this worksheet then watching Sleeping Beauty with LT. _

Brittany finished up her worksheet quickly and frowned when she didn't hear from the brunette after her last text. She wasn't jealous of Quinn. She just wished she could be in the girl's presence too. It was like she physically needed it.

She got situated on the couch and pressed play, snuggling into Lord Tubbington's fur coat. She still had Santana's note balled in her hand under the covers. Despite the slight aching inside her chest, Brittany felt peaceful as she watched the fairies prepare to bestow their gifts upon baby Aurora. This was her favorite part.

A knock at the door caused Lord Tubbington to fly off the couch and down the hall. She paused the movie and made her way to the door, opening it quickly while scanning the hallway for her fat cat behind her.

"Hi."

The raspy voice caused Brittany to snap her head towards the direction of the door, completely forgetting about the cat.

"Uhh- Hi?" Brittany asked tilting her head slightly. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with Quinn?"

Santana dropped her gaze to the floor as she saw the fat cat waddle down the hall and sit at Brittany's feet that were turned slightly inward. Her toes wiggled.

"Yea, I don't really know how I ended up here...I just- I don't know."

Brittany started to smile and felt her cheeks blush slightly. She didn't know why Santana had arrived on her front porch- or how exactly, but she was grateful nevertheless. Her chest felt tight and full at the same time and she struggled to return her breathing to a normal rhythm. The sight of the latina was making it nearly impossible.

"Well, wanna watch the rest of Sleeping Beauty? It's at my favorite part!"

Santana watched as the blonde bounced a little on the balls of her feet. She was wearing the same black tight shorts as the night before and the latina couldn't help but take in the legs that went on for miles. She snapped her eyes back up to the blondes, her cheeks immediately burned.

Brittany didn't wait for her to answer. She reached out and grabbed the girl's hand and pulled her through the threshold and towards the living room. She let her hand fall along the way, an action that made the latina immediately frown.

Santana watched as the blonde slid back under the covers and held them up as if she was waiting for the latina to climb in too. Santana hesitated. The last time she was close to the blonde she lost control, and she was worried she would again. In the middle of the living room. With Mrs. Pierce's unpredictable ass roaming around.

She couldn't hesitate much longer as she was certain Brittany would notice. She glanced up and locked her eyes on bright blue pools, her chest immediately aching. She didn't really have a choice. She never really had a choice. She just preferred to think she did.

She maneuvered her way under the blanket and sat about an inch away from Brittany, trying to give herself a little space so she could feel in control. The movie began playing in front of her but all she could see was pink lips and pale skin. All she could feel was wetness and a hot tongue sliding against her own, hair being pulled tightly at the nape of her neck. All she could smell was her. All she wanted to smell was her. It drove her body crazy.

Her vision seemed to grow blurry and she blinked a few times trying to fix it. It only helped a little, she felt high. Her head and body was buzzing slightly like she was battery operated. Every time she blinked she saw the blonde the night before, kissing her, touching her, absorbing her. She felt her entire body ache at the desire to do it all over again. Just one more time._ One more time_. She kept telling herself that, as if she knew that's all she would need. As if she knew she wouldn't keep coming back for more.

Brittany noticed the way Santana kept blinking as she watched the movie. Not that she was focusing on Santana or anything. Except she totally would be lying if she said she wasn't. She had been pretending to laugh at certain parts, and even pretended to pout when Aurora pricked her finger. But in reality? She was focused on the shallow breaths the brunette was taking, and the way she clutched the blanket with her right hand and her knee with the other. Brittany tried. She tried _really_ hard to focus on the movie. But her body was screaming at her to make contact with the latina. Literally screaming. She almost could hear it within her ears, and her fingertips tingled as if they remembered touching the tanned skin. She felt her stomach tumble repeatedly as she fiddled with her hands under the blanket. She was forcing herself to not reach over and grab the girl by the neck and crash their lips together. She almost felt like she should sit on her hands, preventing such a thing from happening.

Brittany bit her lip slightly and noticed how the latina's chest caught as if she noticed. In a way she kinda hoped she did. But she also felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. She slowly moved her arm to her leg, her hand inches from the latinas. She silently was grateful that a blanket was covering what was happening underneath because Brittany was never very good at being subtle.

She wasn't in control anymore. At least thats what she told herself when she extended her pinky slightly to the right and felt it burn as it touched tan flesh. Santana let out an audible gasp that caused Brittany's mouth to smirk. She kept her eyes on the television, but every other ounce was focused on the burning as the brunette lifted her fingers slightly, letting the blonde slightly trail the length of her pinky with her fingertip. The action caused shocks to be sent up Santana's arm, radiating within her chest. She returned the gesture caressing Brittany's fingers softly under the blanket.

This continued until it moved from the pinky finger, to two fingers, to the entire hand. Under the blanket they snaked and caressed each other's hand repeatedly. Interlocking fingers briefly before sliding them apart and tracing fingers again. It was such a simple action but was causing both girls to become unfocused and distracted. Their bodies radiated heat.

Brittany couldn't breathe, she was positive she wasn't a person anymore, but instead a heater. She could feel the heat coming out of her mouth when she exhaled. She traced a circle on the tanned wrist before feeling the brunette trace a circle on her palm in return. She tried to speak but a lump in her throat prevented any noise from escaping. She swallowed slowly before trying again.

"All I thought about today was last ni-"

Santana's heart thumped loudly in her chest at Brittany's words and she interrupted before she could finish, "Oh! This is my favorite part."

Brittany came out of her trance slightly to glance towards the TV as the Prince fought the dragon and battled a forest of thorns. She smiled lightly. "I like this part too."

Neither spoke, or tried to speak, for the rest of the movie. Brittany was pretty confident that the latina didn't want to talk about what happened, so she settled for the stolen glances and caresses they shared under the blanket.

Santana was the first to pull away when the credits started rolling, flipping the blanket and moving slightly to grab her purse.

"My mom went all Lima Heights on me this morning for not coming home last night." Santana finally turned to make eye contact with the blonde and gripped the couch and her purse to prevent herself from capturing the blonde's pout with her lips. The urge she felt to kiss the girl again was starting to grow larger than her ability to control herself.

"Uh oh, Sorry." Brittany's voice was a quiet whisper as she licked her lips involuntarily causing the brunette to swallow forcefully.

"Uh, none of that. It's not your fault." Santana shook her head before standing up. "Just means I gotta get my ass home before she decides to pull out a razor blade."

Brittany followed the brunette to the door, not being able to tear her eyes away from the body in front of her as the girls hips swayed slightly. She caught herself just in time for the brunette to turn around as she opened the door. Without thinking she leaned in and encircled her arms around the petite girl's waist, her face nuzzling into tanned flesh. The latina seemed tense at first but it was only a second before her tiny arms found their way around the blonde's neck. Brittany inhaled heavily, her nose pressed tightly against the latina's neck and felt her chest burn and ache at the same time. She was fighting self control again. She was fighting and she didn't think she was going to win this time. Not that she ever won.

She was waiting for the burning within her chest to subside, to drift away so she could pull away, but it was persistent and it made her vision blurry. She closed her eyes before licking her lips and kissing the latina's pounding pulse point at the base of her neck slowly. Once. Then twice. She pulled away when she caught herself trying to do more than just peck at the spot.

Santana slid her arms away, and reluctantly stepped closer before stepping back again and turning to leave. Even though the brunette was no longer in her arms, Brittany could swear she could still feel her. Her chest was still burning and her fingertips still tingled. She swallowed heavily as Santana started her car and glanced quickly at Brittany before pulling away. She slowly brought her burning fingers to her lips, touching them gently. She could still feel it. She shivered involuntarily as she felt as if it were happening again. The thumping of the latina's neck as it pulsated against her hot, wet lips.

* * *

Santana's eyes felt like sandpaper. She had been trying to sleep for the past three hours and had succeeded only in tangling herself in her black satin sheets. Her mind was in a frenzy and her chest was still burning from her last moments with Brittany.

She glanced at the clock on her phone. 2:44 AM. She was going to be late to school again tomorrow if she kept this shit up. If she hated the lecture she got today from Coach Sue she was going to hate the day she was born if it happened again. But she couldn't help it. Truly. She couldn't.

Her mind kept replaying the night before and the feelings that spread through her body like wildfire. She kept imagining Brittany's hand in hers, tracing outlines and patterns. Or the heat that radiated from the girl's body this morning when she was snuggled against her. Her body shivered slightly as she remembered the gentle kisses the blonde had made against her neck hours earlier. She pulled the pillow over her head in frustration, groaning slightly. She just wanted to sleep. If she couldn't feel those feelings right now, she wanted to sleep. Not be tortured with their memory.

She groaned out loud again kicking her legs in annoyance before finally removing her head from under the pillow and flipping over to her back. Her room was dark and quiet, as she stared into the air around her, willing something...anything to force her to sleep. She sighed again in annoyance.

The room lit up slightly with a faint glow causing Santana to knit her eyebrows in confusion. It took her a few seconds to realize that the light was coming from her phone. She fumbled with her blankets before finding it and sliding her finger across the screen when she saw the blonde's name. Her heart immediately thudding against her ribs.

"Britt? Are you okay?" Santana said with a hint of worry in her tone.

"Oh. Yea, I'm fine." The voice on the other end of the phone immediately made Santana melt further into her sheets, her body relaxing once she knew the girl was okay.

"You do know it's nearly 3AM, right?"

"I know. Did I wake you?" Brittany sounded apologetic.

"Actually, no. I can't sleep." Santana groaned slightly before pulling the covers up to her neck.

"Me either."

There was a long period of silence. Santana pressed the phone harder into her ear and could swear she heard the girl breathing. The thought made her wince. She sounded like a creeper. She was becoming a creeper. Fact.

"Your voice helps." Brittany finally spoke, her voice sounding slightly more groggy than it had 5 minutes ago. Santana's chest fell at the girl's words. How the girl managed to take her breath away with 3 simple words she would never know. Brittany was always doing something to amaze the latina and tonite at 3AM was no different.

"Yea?" Santana couldn't bring herself to say anything back, she didn't trust her voice not to crack.

"Mmhmmm" Brittany hummed before Santana heard her yawn. The truth was, hearing Brittany's voice was making Santana feel sleepy too. Santana couldn't admit that, at least she didn't think she could. But somehow being on the phone and not face to face made her slightly more confident.

"I know the feeling." She surprised herself when she spoke and felt a grin at Brittany's throaty mumble in response. Her own eyes were drifting shut and staying that way for longer periods of time, her entire body growing heavier. She opened her eyes one last time before glancing around the room, and licking her lips.

"Britt?"

"Yea?" It was a barely there mumble, but it was enough to let Santana know the girl wasn't completely asleep yet.

"Remember earlier, during Sleeping Beauty?" Santana was worried she herself would fall asleep before she could finish. But she felt the need to say this, if she never said anything else tonite, she needed Brittany to know.

"Mmm...Yea" Santana smiled as she tried to imagine the sleepy blonde.

"Last night..." Santana trailed off her nerves suddenly getting the best of her. Her chest felt swollen and within seconds she was drowning again. But in the good way. In Brittany.

"Mmm..."

Santana inhaled slowly, "It's all I thought about today too."


	12. It's All Worth It For You

**Chapter 11- It's All Worth It for You**

"Needless to say, I'm worried." Brittany pulled open the large glass doors and trudged inside, her flip flops echoing in the granite hallway.

"I'm sure, it'll all be fine, Britt. Don't worry about it so much."

"Easy for you to say, he's not after _you_." She walked to the left and into a space reserved for 4 elevators. She slid her right foot along the smooth floor, reaching out to press the up button.

Santana laughed. Sometimes it was just easier to go along with whatever Brittany was talking about, even if it confused the hell out of her. Sometimes the sunshine in her voice was worth all the confusion.

"Well, I don't know. I did wake up at an _un-godly_ hour this morning to practice our routine for Nationals. That has to be against some kind of moral sandman code." Santana smirked, playing along.

"Maybe." Brittany paused to look up at the blinking lights above the elevator before continuing. "But I purposefully skipped my nap yesterday and on top of that, I woke up before the sun had its breakfast this morning."

She was getting slightly impatient, tapping her foot against the reflective stone flooring beneath her feet. "I just know I'm going to come home to a completely empty room. Sand thrown every-where."

Santana laughed again. She had just finished her morning practice and was getting ready in the locker room for the long day ahead of her. Thank god it was Friday. She held the phone tightly between her ear and her shoulder as she threw all of her things inside her cheerios bag. "I doubt that will happen, B. You missed one nap. Why are you up so early anyway?"

" I thought that last time but my mom _still _had to spend all night picking sand out of my bedsheets." The elevator door finally sprung open and she hopped through the threshold, her blonde hair flowing around her shoulders. She hadn't bothered to fix it this morning. If her doctor wanted to schedule appointments at 8 in the morning, he could deal with the horror that was Brittany S Pierce right out of bed.

Truth be told, despite having crawled out of bed before her usual time, she still seemed rather flawless. She had baggy sweat pants that clung to the dips in her hips and dragged slightly on the ground behind her heels. Her shirt was a simple graphic T that clung slightly to her abdomen, sliding up with certain movements, revealing a little sliver of pale skin.

"I see what you did there. You didn't answer my question. Nice try." Santana smirked, swinging the bag over her shoulder and making her way out of the locker room. The cooler air immediately hit her face and she felt herself inhale deeply. She felt a slight panic inching up in her stomach when Brittany wouldn't answer her question. What if she was up all night because she was sick? Or what if she couldn't sleep because she regretted what happened last weekend? Or what if the sandman was real and trying to choke her with sand in her sleep? Okay, the last one was a little far fetched, she had been listening to Brittany ramble for far too long.

"Nothing wrong with being up early." Brittany sighed deeply, "except for the whole, stuffie sacrifice thing I have going on."

Santana rolled her eyes as she walked up to her locker. She input her combination quickly before shoving her bag in the bottom and grabbing a few books from the top. She paused briefly to apply lip gloss, watching herself in the small mirror mounted on the metal door.

"Still avoiding..." Santana nearly sang. She rubbed her lips together before giving herself one last look over, slamming her door shut. She jumped back nearly two steps when Quinn's face stared back at her, she clutched her hand over her chest as she rolled her eyes.

Tilting the phone away from her mouth she nodded her head towards Quinn, "You scared the shit out of me, what the hell are you doing."

"I could ask you the same thing." The petite blonde whispered before nodding towards the phone.

"It's not avoiding, Santana. It's choosing to keep things hidden. Big difference." Santana could hear the smirk in the girl's voice on the phone and couldn't help the smile pulling at the corner of her own lips. Quinn's brows immediately furrowed as she smiled slyly. Santana immediately wiped the smile off her face before moving past the blonde cheerio. Hitting her shoulder in the process.

"Is that your Mom?" Santana heard voices other than Brittany's on the phone and her curiosity was starting to get the best of her. Curiosity and maybe a hint of jealousy. That or panic. She was having a hard time distinguishing among all her feelings.

"Nope. Receptionist." Brittany said quietly. She was trying her best to keep her morning appointment away from Santana. She didn't want the girl to have to hear about yet another medical situation. So she tried to hide it, and be as discreet as possible. It wasn't working though, the latina seemed to know that something was up.

"Hold up. A receptionist? Please tell me Mr. Sandman takes appointments." Santana felt her heart rate increase slightly and she hoped Quinn, who was still following her, hadn't noticed the slight panic in her voice.

"Hmm, I've never tried." Brittany mumbled as she wrote down her name on the form in front of her, abbreviating in certain places. The whole doctor's office knew who she was.

"Hey, Brittany. How are you, other than wearing that huge smile?" The receptionist smiled broadly, taking Brittany's insurance card before making a copy of it.

Brittany tilted her phone down briefly, trying to prevent the latina on the other end from hearing the conversation. "I'm doing great! Still tired though."

Santana could hear the blonde talking to someone else, though it was muffled so she couldn't make it out. She felt a hand grip her arm, and turned to be face to face with Quinn, looking clearly annoyed.

"Judging by the smile on your face earlier, I'm guessing the person on the phone is _pretty _special. Is it Brittany?" Quinn narrowed her eyes slightly. She had been suspicious of the taller blonde ever since their interaction at the mall a few weeks ago, but lately her suspicions kept rising with each time the latina ditched her. Santana never ditched anyone, nor did she ever smile. And yet, she herself had caught the latina smiling on several occasions lately- all seemed to be centered around a certain bubbly blonde.

Santana felt her blood run cold. She could still hear Brittany mumbling to someone else, and she was positive anyone in the hallway could hear her heart thumping against her ribcage. She even heard it within her own ears. Did Quinn know? No. That wasn't possible. Santana thought for a moment, before shaking her head again. No. Impossible.

"When did my phone conversations become your business, Miss I-can't-fit-into-a- size-zero anymore?" Santana knew she was being bitchy, but she also knew Quinn could take it. This was how their relationship worked. They never held back.

Quinn only smiled a little more. Not even phased. She bounced slightly on the balls of her feet, her blonde hair mimicking her actions. "Brittany!" She shouted close to the receiver before pulling back and out of Santana's slapping range. She had to move pretty far because in an instant Santana was swinging her arm out, in an attempt to swat at the blonde.

After hearing her name, Brittany pulled the phone back towards her lips. "Santana? That didn't sound like you."

"That's because it was an idiot. An idiot dressed in floral." Santana snarked.

Brittany laughed lightly as she made her way to a chair before curling her leg beneath her and sitting down. "Was it Quinn? Tell her hi for me!"

Santana winced. There was no way out of this now. She rolled her eyes slightly, her free hand falling to her hip. She paused and briefly considered lying about who was on the phone, or the fact that it was Quinn. Then for a brief second she considered running. But only briefly.

Her sigh was audible. And on purpose. "She says Hi"

Quinn squealed again and positioned herself closer to the phone, causing Santana to lean away in protest. "You should come to the pep-rally today! It's homecoming weekend!" Santana once again was in full protest mode, reaching over to slap the girl in front of her.

"Oh! San, you didn't tell me about a pep-rally, I've never been to one." Santana couldn't tell if she sounded excited or sad. Maybe it was a mixture of both but she suddenly felt slightly guilty for keeping it from her. She swatted again at Quinn, before continuing down the hall, giving her the death stare. Quinn knew better than to continue. She had _seen_ that look. She _knew _that look. So she turned the opposite way, though smiling.

"It's not a big deal. Really. Anyway you can't talk- you never told me where you were." Santana bit her lower lip slightly as she walked down the crowded hallways that seemed to part like the red sea for her to flow down.

Brittany sighed and realized there was no way to avoid this revelation. So she too bit her lip, wincing a little before licking them quickly. "I'm at the doctor's office."

The words hit Santana like a sledge of concrete to the face. She immediately stopped dead in her stride, awarding her glares from those around her. She was positive that her body was no longer working to sustain life, instead working to prevent herself from falling. Her throat was dry and prevented her to swallow and she suddenly felt a little lightheaded. She blinked a few times, remembering that people were staring at her, before slowly continuing her walk. Though unsteady.

"The..uh-doctor?" Santana managed to get out after a few long seconds had passed.

"Yea." Brittany's voice was tiny and weak, it caused Santana's heart to skip a beat. She literally felt it.

It had been nearly 4 days since they had fallen asleep on the phone together. Nearly 5 since they had kissed that night in Brittany's bedroom. Not that Santana was counting. She had tried to push the feelings towards the back of her mind. She kept telling herself that she got caught up in the moment, and it was only a one time thing. Something that just happened a few times, but wasn't serious. Wasn't real.

Santana turned and paused outside of the entrance of her first class, leaning up against the wall. She could hear Brittany talking again, muffled though, and it only caused her stomach to flip again. She almost felt like she couldn't breathe, and it scared her. She wasn't in a doctor's office, nor was she in any type of uncomfortable situation, yet her body was reacting as though she was standing in the middle of a hospital. Surrounded by doctors. With needles.

"Why?" It was all she could manage to get out past the lump swelling in her throat.

"I...uh-" Brittany started but was cut off when a nurse appeared in the doorway, calling her name.

"I have to go, but we can talk later. What time is your pep rally?" Brittany whispered quickly as she stood up and made her way towards the side door.

Santana's chest still felt full of cement and she struggled to inhale properly. She just wanted to know why Brittany was there and if she was okay. That and why she was a centimeter away from having a panic attack. This wasn't even about her. " It starts at 2:30. Runs til the end of school and the start of the football game."

Santana heard a few hushed whispers on the other end of the line and struggled to try to make them out. She couldn't. She felt a rush of panic flow across her skin, leaving her hair raised in its wake.

"Okay, I'll talk to you soon, gotta go. Have a great day at school, San." Brittany was cheerful and it almost made the brunette want to smile. Almost. But she didn't.

* * *

Brittany brought her barefoot up to itch the back of her calf, balancing on one foot. She was standing in line at the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions the doctor had just ordered, most of them just refills. But a few were new.

She felt a little jittery and she fought the desire to bounce slightly as she waited. She looked at the clock on the wall, smiling at the fact that it was digital, therefore easier to read. 1:45. She felt a slight buzzing on the surface of her skin as she thought about seeing the latina again. Sure they had talked on the phone and texted everyday, but her entire being seemed to be slowly falling apart without seeing the girl in person. She honestly needed it.

Her name was called and she moved forward, grabbing her bag before paying with her credit card. Within a few minutes she was in her car and on her way home to change. She felt a little nervous about going into a 'normal' school, but at the same time the thrill of being 'normal' excited her.

She felt her phone buzz within her lap but she ignored it, waiting until she pulled in the driveway. She grabbed her phone and hustled her bags inside and up to her room. Lord Tubbington had been sprawled out across both of her pillows when she entered, but made a quick escape once he heard the sound of plastic bags. Brittany scanned the room quickly, making sure nothing was out of place. There was no sand anywhere. Brittany 1. Sandman 50. She was finally catching up.

She swiped at the screen on her phone and smiled when the name appeared.

_INBOX IT BE SNIX YO: You know you don't have to come. You've had a long day. _

Brittany smiled to herself before rolling her eyes. Not only did she secretly want to go to a normal school, the desire to see the latina again was what drove her the most. That and the fact that she could see Santana perform in that tiny cheerio outfit. Though she would never admit it. Well, maybe she would.

_SENT: I'm fine. Can't wait to see you, leaving in like 10! _

After she sent the message she kicked herself for her words. She was gonna scare the girl away even more than she had this morning by mentioning the doctors office. It just came out, she couldn't help it.

After pulling her hair up into a high pony with her bangs braided back and to the side, she swapped her bum clothes for a pair of light skinny jeans and a red halter top. She smiled at herself in the mirror before throwing a crop jacket on overtop and slipping on her shoes. Within moments she had taken her meds, said bye to her mom, and was on her way to Santana's school.

Parking was easier than she thought, though she chose a spot near the back as she felt a little nervous driving past a bunch of people she didn't know. Even though they were the same age, she couldn't help but feel like an outcast and completely different. She let her mind go to a dark place for a second, something so rare for her, and she felt worried. Worried that maybe Santana would be embarrassed of her, and maybe that's why she told her she didn't have to come. The thought caused Brittany to hover slightly near the area of her car. She bit her lip and squinted her eyes at the sunlight that was beating down heavily.

Bringing out her phone she quickly typed a message to the brunette.

_SENT: I'm outside. So many people! _

She walked slowly towards the main entrance, getting quite a few stares from people with each step she took. She fiddled with her hands nervously and suddenly questioned that she wore the wrong thing. Maybe her bum clothes would have been better, or maybe she didn't dress up enough. Her phone buzzing brought her out of her head as she glanced down at the screen.

_INBOX IT BE SNIX YO: Don't worry about them, they just don't know who you're with yet ;)_

Brittany felt her breath catch in her chest. _Who you're with yet._ What did that mean? She felt a smile tugging at her lips and suddenly she was more anxious about seeing the brunette than she was about the people that surrounded her. She had almost forgotten what it felt like to touch the caramel skin and she longed to be reminded, though she didn't know if that would happen here. Or ever. They hadn't really talked about it, nor had they seen each other since. Remembering the last part made Brittany's chest sadden slightly. Her phone buzzed again.

_INBOX IT BE SNIX YO: Meaning they don't realize who you know. :) I'll meet you near the entrance. _

Brittany's chest fell when she read the words. Santana corrected herself, not that she was all too surprised. She had known the girl long enough to know there were two things the latina didn't talk about nor handle well. Feelings and health issues. And today she already had to deal with one, so it made sense that she would avoid the other. It was painful to Brittany, though she didn't know why. She just wanted to feel the familiar comfort she felt whenever she was around the brunette. It was confusing and hard to understand the majority of the time, but whenever she found herself in the presence of Santana, everything fit together like a perfect puzzle piece. Nothing was confusing.

In no time at all, Brittany found herself opening the large red doors of the entrance to McKinley High School. Her senses went into overload as she heard so many voices they all seemed to blend together in a general white noise and she winced because of it. The walls were decorated heavily with red and white banners and several balloons were being thrown down the hallway, a few football players pretending to act out a play. Brittany felt entirely out of place and stared down at her feet, hoping no one would notice her. She glanced up to see a group of girls dressed in the same outfit she had seen Santana in a few weeks earlier, strutting past her. She made eye contact with one of them, who seemed to look the blonde up and down before returning her glance forward. Brittany bit her lip before leaning back against the stone column, glancing again at her feet.

"Hey, stranger." Brittany turned when she heard the familiar raspy voice and realized a smile started to replace her pout. She couldn't form words, nor could she move. Her body was just frozen. Her eye's took in all of Santana. Her tanned legs, and the way the cheerio skirt tousled to the side revealing a little more skin. She noticed the toned arms and the way they were folded firmly across her chest, almost in a protective stance. Her hair was pulled up in the usual ponytail, and her make-up was done perfectly. Brittany literally couldn't speak. All she could do was smile.

Santana tried not to go up and hug the girl which is honestly what her body was pushing for her to do. She caught a glimpse of how sad the girl looked before she spoke up and just wanted to make her pout disappear. She winced at herself immediately. That was completely out of character.

"Did you come all this way to chill by the doors, or are you gonna come watch your first pep rally?" Santana smiled as she walked closer to the blonde briefly, before hearing the bell go off signaling the start of the assembly. She stopped in her tracks before smiling up at the blonde. There were people all around her, and she suddenly felt very on display. For a moment she wished she was in an empty class room, so she could hug the girl in front of her. The way she wanted to. Before her mind went crazy she turned around on her heels and waved the girl to follow.

She was maneuvered quickly between seas of red and white, though it wasn't as crowded when she walked with the brunette. For some reason everyone moved out of her way and she didn't struggle like so many of the other people around her did. Brittany didn't question it, she was too grateful.

In no time, they had entered a large room, with bleachers on either side decorated top to bottom in red and white. The sound was deafening, even louder than the common area near the entrance of the school if that was even possible. Brittany reached to grab the latina but she was a few steps out of reach and the blonde suddenly got the feeling that she was being watched. She looked up and noticed everyone on the bleachers and she could have sworn they were staring at her, watching her move, watching the way she looked at the latina.

"Brittany, come on." Santana's voice shouting over the noise of the students and the drums of the band, brought her out of her head. The smaller girl was motioning over towards the collection of cheerios, before she stopped a few steps away.

"See up there?" Santana was practically shouting. She extended her arm in front of Brittany and pointed towards a few rows behind her.

"Sam, Kurt, Rachel and the rest of the glee club sit up there. You can watch with them and I'll come find you when it's over." She said quieter, because she was leaning in closer towards the blonde's ear. Brittany felt her body warm in response, a shiver running the length of her spine. Her eyes wanted to shut but she forced them to stay open, focused on the row the latina had pointed out to her. She nodded.

"I'll be right here, the whole time." Santana pointed back to the cheerleaders before smiling broadly. "I'm glad you're here."

Santana felt her insides tighten at her own words. She wanted to take them back, or maybe just reword herself, but before she could the blonde had smiled her toothy smile and bounced a little on her feet. "Me too."

Santana couldn't help the smile pulling at her cheeks, though she tried. Really hard. She felt her cheeks blush too, and she glanced around trying to see if anyone noticed before pointing back towards the cheerleaders.

"I gotta go prep. See you after." Santana smiled before turning quickly jogging to meet up with Quinn and the other cheerios. Quinn looked over, recognizing Brittany and waved slightly a smile forming on her lips when she noticed the latina's red cheeks. She watched as the taller blonde made her way up the bleachers and sat next to Kurt. She also noticed how the latina seemed to glance over at their direction repeatedly. She smiled to herself before leaning over to whisper to the latina.

"Are you inviting Britt, to Rachel's tonite?"

Santana rolled her eyes and prayed to Sue Sylvester her blush was gone. "Why do you care so much?"

"I don't actually. I just figured you're going to be there. She's here now. Why not?" Santana looked over at the blonde who was doing stretches with a mischievous grin on her face. Santana felt her blood pressure rise slightly.

"Look, I don't know what you're up to. But cut it. Britt doesn't need a wannabe bitch telling her what to do." Santana grumbled.

"Oh no. Cause she has _you_ for that."

If they had been alone, Santana was positive she would have slapped her. Not the same way she did in the hall. No. Across her face- slapped her. She felt the blood boiling inside her body. In fact she was worried about her organs surviving the heat. Everyone around her was moving, but she stood still, staring at Quinn. This may be it. This may be the end of whatever friendship/friend hate they had created.

She had stepped towards Quinn in a threatening manner when she heard her name from somewhere outside the haze she was currently in. She glanced up briefly and saw Twinkle Toes sitting next to Brittany. Both of them waving. Normally she would have killed Kurt for shouting at her during an assembly, but the sight of the blonde made her forget all that. It even made her blood stop bursting within her body. She felt her chest calm slowly and her breath return to normal as for a split second she locked eyes with ocean blue. She smiled back, the noise around her coming into focus again. Glancing down she noticed Quinn still stretching, and immediately lost her smile.

"You're lucky Fabray." Santana hissed as she got in position.

"Oh yeah? Could have fooled me." Quinn snarked before the music began to play and their routine started.

Brittany watched in awe as the cheerleaders performed routines she would have sworn came out of a movie. Santana flipped in the air a few times and the blonde felt a slight panic that her teammates wouldn't catch her. She was a little relieved when the latina switched from flying to floor work. It eased her nerves.

"Wow" she breathed out audibly.

"It's your first one I take it? You'll get used to it. Except the heat. You'll never get used to the body heat that fills this room. It can flatten hair quicker than a steam roller." Brittany chuckled as she watched Kurt move his hands through his hair.

The rest of the pep rally was pretty much quiet. Not with the performances but with Brittany's interactions with other people. She kept to herself, watching the dance team perform a number before watching the band do a neat rendition of Michael Jackson's Beat It. She didn't want it to be over, she loved being in a crowd watching something that was so new to her. She felt normal.

Just as quickly though, she found herself walking down the steps as the assembly ended, and everyone made their way home. She bounced a little when she saw the latina making her way up a few steps before pointing towards the side exit door. Brittany followed quickly and took in a deep breath once she was outside. Kurt was right, that body heat was a little strong. She couldn't tell if her hair was flat though. She mentally congratulated herself for choosing a ponytail.

The two walked in silence for a while, heading towards the parking lot. It wasn't as noisy as before, since they weren't in a confined area, though Brittany's ear drums still felt a little distant from all the prior commotion. She looked over towards the latina who had her head bent slightly, gripping the loose strands on her backpack as she walked. The sun was bouncing off her eyelashes, making them look golden in the light. Santana glanced to the side abruptly, and Brittany immediately realized she had been caught. Her cheeks blushed.

"Uhh- You were amazing in there. Really." Brittany said trying to ignore the fact that her cheeks burned.

Santana laughed before shaking her head. "Thanks. I used to love it a lot more than I do now. Truth be told I prefer Glee."

"I know, and you'll deny it if I ever told anyone." Brittany smirked remembering a previous conversation they had.

"Totally would. And shank you too" Santana smiled slyly but Brittany's frown made Santana lose her smile too.

"I'm kidding." Santana said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Brittany smiled and bounced again, her hair catching every ounce of sunlight. Her eyes became piercing with the sun shining so brightly in her face, tiny wisps of hair falling down.

"You know, there's a football game tonite, followed by a party with the glee members." Santana paused briefly, "just them this time."

"Are you asking me to go?" Brittany shot a sideways smile before bumping her hip slightly against the brunettes.

"Well, I just figured you haven't ever been to a Homecoming game, and the party is right after so..I mean if you wanted to, you could tag along." Santana was losing her confidence. She blamed it on the way the girl looked in the sun, as if all her features were being put in the spotlight. It was hard for the brunette to concentrate.

Brittany just nodded slowly, but didn't say anything. Within seconds she had come to a stop, having approached the front of her car. She turned and smiled when she saw Santana tilting her head and squinting in the sun. Her face was scrunched up and it made Brittany's chest swell inside. She sucked in her lip gently. Her heart began racing as she thought of kissing the lips in front of her. She wanted to pull her roughly by her hand and crash their bodies together before dominating the girl's mouth in front of her. But she didn't. Instead she smiled sweetly and looked back at her feet.

"I think I'm just going to head home, I'm feeling tired." Santana let her glance fall down too, this time resting on her own shoes before meeting the blonde's eyes. They stared for a moment, both completely silent. Speaking all that they couldn't say verbally.

"Oh." Santana wanted to say more, but she couldn't. Her throat was too dry.

"But, I would like to go to the party. Maybe you could pick me up?" Brittany smiled.

Santana released a breath she didn't realize she had been holding and before her brain could tell her not to, she reached over and laced her arms around the girl's waist. Hugging her tightly. She wanted to place herself against the blonde's neck, so she could inhale that sweet thick smell that always made her slightly loopy. She wanted to kiss her too. But she couldn't. At least not here. She smiled when she felt Brittany hug back tightly, but not move any further either. She pulled away quickly, putting space between them.

"How about 9?" Santana breathed quickly, hoping Brittany didn't catch the blush on her cheeks or the speed of her breaths. She glanced up at the blonde, noticing the same hint of color on her cheeks, her chest falling rapidly. The sight alone made her heart ache and burn at the same time.

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

"Without a doubt. Scariest moment of my life." Brittany chuckled to herself as she glanced out the window at the other cars speeding by. Santana had picked her up about 5 minutes ago, and they were on their way to Rachel's for the party. Though Santana didn't seem too thrilled about it.

"Of your entire life?" Santana found that hard to believe. This girl spent 90 percent of her time in a doctor's office or hospital. She was positive that had to be scarier than the threat of a fictional character attacking stuffed animals.

"Definitely. I walked in and all my stuffed animals were thrown about my room! What if he had taken Deedoe!?" There was a legitimate sound of panic in the blonde's voice that caused Santana to chuckle lightly. "It's not funny, San. Really."

Santana tried quickly to make a straight face, staring out onto the road. Brittany smiled, obviously satisfied, before turning sideways to stare at her.

"Can I help you?" Santana said in a mock annoyed accent causing Brittany to laugh.

"Yessss, actually you can." Brittany smiled nervously.

Santana glanced to her side and smiled lightly, bringing her hand up to flick a few wisps of hair behind her shoulder. Truth be told she wasn't too thrilled about going to Rachel's house for a party because that just spelt out lame, but she was excited to be going somewhere with Brittany. Even though she had seen her earlier today, she couldn't help the intense need to be next to the girl again.

"So I was thinking, about the other night."

Santana gripped the steering wheel harder. She was pretty sure her body was telling her to ram the car into the next pole to avoid this conversation, and briefly, she considered it.

"Why do the fairies bring Sleeping Beauty back to the castle before her birthday? Wasn't the whole point of keeping her away for all those years so she wouldn't be hurt _on_ her birthday?" Santana turned quickly towards Brittany to see if she was serious before turning back towards the road. Yep, she was serious.

Santana felt her hands loosen around the steering wheel, as the breath returned to her lungs slowly.

"I mean whose dumb idea was it to bring her back, on the _day_ she was supposed to get hurt. I blame that green fairy. She didn't even know how to make a cake." Brittany pouted slightly, glancing out the front windshield.

"I never thought of that, Britt." Santana said quietly as she pondered the thought in her head, "I guess if they stayed away, there would never have been a sleeping beauty, because she would have missed the curse completely."

Brittany turned towards the brunette smiling broadly. "Hero status." she said quietly.

"What?" Santana barely got out as she came to stop at a quickly changing yellow light. A red glow fell upon them.

"You. Total hero." Brittany laughed before staring into the brown eyes that she had missed more than she cared to admit within the last few hours.

Santana felt her cheeks blush, and she wanted to look away from the blonde but she couldn't. Her eyes felt stuck, and she noticed how the eyes in front of her were a deep shade of turquoise, sparkling with the reflection of the night lights.

"I'm not a hero, Brittany." Santana mumbled slowly. If anyone was a hero it was Brittany. She was the one who literally lived in hell, only to make frequent trips to earth before being thrown back in hell again. She deserved to be told she was a hero. Not the other way around. Santana was no hero. She felt it. She wanted to turn it around and tell Brittany that she was the one that was the hero. But her voice failed her, and her throat felt itchy.

"To me you are." Brittany smiled as she said it, as though it was nothing huge to say. Santana felt her stomach sink and her chest fill with something different than air. Her eyes remained connected to the blonde's in front of hers and was shocked to see the figure coming closer. Before Santana could comprehend what was happening, she felt a light pressure hit her lips. It was soft and quick, but Santana felt the heat that radiated from the blonde in the process. Their eyes remained connected throughout the entire thing, something that Santana felt entirely vulnerable doing. Yet she couldn't stop herself. She watched the way Brittany's pupils dilated when their lips touched, and she felt her own body heat up quickly. And as if the whole thing was in slow motion, the red glow on Brittany's face slowly turned green. And she was gone. Back in her own seat, staring out the window. Santana blinked a few times. Wondering if she imagined the whole thing. The slight buzzing on her lips was the only reminder that it had happened. She watched the cars next to her start moving, before she realized she was supposed to be driving too, and continued the short distance towards Rachel's house.

"At least there won't be a lot of people at the party, so Kurt doesn't have to worry about body heat." Brittany was the first to speak, causing Santana to come out of her own thoughts.

"Huh?" Santana questioned, slightly confused.

Brittany watched as they pulled up to a large white house with black shutters before coming to a stop behind a black pick up truck.

"Kurt, his hair. I'm sure he wants 10 minutes where he doesn't have to worry about his hair looking like a dead animal." Brittany chuckled before unbuckling her seat belt. Her heart was racing but she was trying to change the subject and ease the tension. Anything but focus on what she just did.

"Please, he has enough hairspray to fund NASA. He'll be fine." Santana laughed before locking eyes with the blonde again, only this time she didn't pull her stare away. She felt a smile tug at her lips before continuing. "Come on."

It was exactly how Santana said it would be, only the glee club kids were there. The basement was decorated in a sophisticated way complete with a stage that Rachel was currently performing on. Brittany laughed as she watched Rachel belt a high note while holding the sparkling mic in her hand. She felt a slight tug on her jacket and turned to find Santana motioning her towards the collection of boy's sitting on the floor.

"Lopez, nice of you to show." Puck smirked before glancing at Brittany.

"Yea Yea, You guys remember Brittany?" Santana said moving sideways to be sure Brittany could be seen.

"Totally. We also remember your death threats." Artie smiled before squinting his nose causing his glasses to move slightly.

"Glad I got my point across." Santana narrowed her eyes before making her way over to the table with all the alcohol. No doubt someone had convinced Rachel to break into her dad's liquor cabinet again, because this was not something the mini streisand would have prepared on her own.

She quickly poured herself a shot of tequila before offering some to Brittany. "I shouldn't tonite. I just started new medicine." Santana felt her throat close slightly as she quickly took the first shot before refilling her glass.

"You never told me why you were there." Santana breathed out slowly as she reached for a solo cup, pouring Brittany some ginger ale.

Brittany picked up the cup, and sipped slowly. "It was just a check up. The doctor's wanted to check my levels, get some blood work, and I needed a shot of new medication."

Santana winced and felt lightheaded. She downed her second shot. She quickly filled her glass again before continuing, "Oh. Well, I'm glad you're feeling okay."

Brittany could tell Santana was a little off after hearing about her doctor visit. She had hoped that once the girl found out it was just a typical visit, she wouldn't be too shaken. But it seemed that the girl was just as affected as if she had been there with Brittany. It confused the blonde a little but she tried to let it go as she watched the girl gulp down another shot before walking away from the table.

This was a completely different scene than the last party they had attended together. Brittany felt a little awkward sitting on the couch as the people around her told stories and laughed about inside jokes. She silently wished she had friends she could do that with. She knew she had Santana, but she couldn't exactly share _their _inside stories with everyone. She swirled her soda around in her cup listening to it fizz slightly as she heard laughing and the sound of Rachel's voice surround her.

Santana had gone up to get another drink with Puck and Brittany tensed when she saw Quinn moving over on the couch to sit next to her. She inhaled sharply and hoped this went better than the last conversation she had with the smaller blonde.

"You are totally gorgeous." Quinn said quietly.

"Oh, t-thanks." Brittany swirled her drink some more.

Quinn made a mental note of the way the girl's cheeks stayed pale instead of glowing red after her comment. She smiled quickly, sipping her mixed drink.

"Santana seems to have a great interest in you."

Brittany shrugged her shoulders even though she wanted to smile. She felt slightly like the blonde was trying to get her to say something she shouldn't. She shifted her eyes and saw the purple dress of the latina, her back turned towards her. Almost as if on cue, the latina turned around noticing the blonde sitting so close to Brittany, and her smile immediately fell.

"Well, enough for her to ditch hanging with me to spend time with you. Doesn't that seem odd?" Quinn cut her eyes slowly, sliding slightly closer to Brittany.

Again Brittany shrugged. She was about to open her mouth to speak when she heard a familiar voice, causing her lips to pull into a smile.

"I'm pretty sure I didn't stutter when I said: Off. Limits." Santana's eyes were darker than normal, probably from drinking tho she didn't seem as tense as she usually was.

"I was just saying hi, Santana. Don't get your panties in a twist." Quinn rolled her eyes before moving from her spot on the couch, which Santana immediately occupied.

"Don't pay her any attention, Bitch just comes to her naturally." Santana was proud of herself for actually making a coherent thought. All she had thought about since that little surprise attack in the car was kissing the blonde. She had tried to stay a part from the girl, without completely ditching her. She didn't want the blonde to be alone but being next to her was so goddamn hard. All she wanted to do was touch her, and kiss her. But she couldn't. So instead, she drank. She couldn't handle all the emotions that were flooding through her head. She had hoped that maybe, just maybe, it was a one time deal- that this thing between her and Brittany was only temporary. Just a fluke. However, the more she was around the blonde, the more she realized the feelings grew instead of dwindled.

"I see that." Brittany glanced sideways and smiled. "You should probably slow down on the drinking, you could probably swim home."

Santana laughed heavily before letting her eyes fall to the blonde's chest. Watching it rise and fall as she too laughed. Santana looked away quickly, glancing at Quinn who was staring directly at her. Her breath immediately caught inside her chest as she thought about averting her eyes. That would make her look guilty, right? The alcohol was starting to seep into her system and she felt her mind go slightly fuzzy. She narrowed her eyes back at Quinn causing the girl to be the first to look away, turning her attention towards Finn.

Brittany placed her hand on the couch next to her as she tried to get her breathing to go back to normal. Between laughing and staring at the slightly tipsy looking brunette, she was starting to feel a little flustered. She had spent her entire teenage life without so much as a single urge to kiss someone, yet here she was, dying to kiss the girl in front of her. Again.

Her mind flashed back to the car, and to the look the brunette held within her brown orbs. She wanted to bottle up that moment and keep it so she could watch whenever she wanted. She thought about it for a moment and realized that made her sound like a complete creeper and shook her head absently.

"What are you thinking about?" Santana's voice was slightly above a whisper as she placed her hand on the couch too, their pinkies nearly touching.

"uh- nothing." Brittany lied, sipping her drink before turning to look at the brunette. Her hair was slightly out of place yet it only made her look that much more attractive.

"You're not feeling sick are you?" Santana's voice sounded worried, and though it seemed selfish, Brittany liked it.

"No, no. Not at all." Brittany smiled quietly before moving her fingers slightly so that her pinky touched the side of Santana's. She watched as the latina's eyes fell to their hands before back up to the blonde's blue orbs.

"Good, I uhm.." Santana paused and took a sip of her mixed drink for the first time. She didn't know really how to word all that was going on inside her head, or if she should actually say what she was thinking. She probably shouldn't. Being tipsy always made her feel slightly gutsy and more emotional, and she would more than likely regret what she said in the morning.

"I was worried this morning, when you called."

"Because of the Sandman?" Brittany's face looked like she was glad someone finally was worried about the man in a night cap too. She smiled broadly.

Santana's eyes glanced down towards the blonde's lips and immediately gripped the couch trying to prevent herself from leaning into her. She felt like she was being pulled slowly toward the blonde, and she was in a tug of war with herself trying to prevent it.

"No."

"Oh, then why?" Brittany had a worried expression and Santana bit her tongue instead of reaching up to kiss the girl infront of her. She was pulling out the big guns, because she honestly was starting to think it wouldn't be a big deal if she just kissed her once in front of everyone. She doubted anyone would notice. The fact that she thought that, even for a second, proved she was losing her mind. She broke eye contact with Brittany, letting her eyes fall to their hands. She picked up her pinky and placed it lightly overtop the blondes.

"About you in the doctor's office." Santana whispered, finally admitting it to herself. She wasn't just worried about herself in the situation anymore, she had managed to worry about the blonde too. It scared her. She never worried about anyone other than herself.

Brittany felt her chest hitch and she momentarily struggled to breathe. She glanced around the room and realized they were kind of in their own little world, as everyone was preoccupied. She knew every single feeling Santana displayed was a struggle, and she wanted to show the girl that she appreciated all the effort it took. And that she was honored to have it shared with her.

"I'm okay though." Brittany whispered wiggling her pinky finger a bit.

"I know, I just...I got scared." Santana was convinced she lost it. She just admitted to being scared. If her crew in Lima Heights could see her now. She wouldn't even have time to explain, they'd probably just knock some sense into her. Maybe the should.

"Don't be, I'm fine."

"I jus-" Santana was cut off as her phone started buzzing in her pocket. She quickly moved her hand from near Brittany's and brought the screen close to her face before pulling it away, trying to read the name. She couldn't tell, but the baby picture indicated it was Jocelyn so she answered.

"Yo Ho" Santana smiled as she leaned back against the couch breathing out slowly.

She sat up quickly when she heard Jocelyn's panic stricken voice on the other end and motioned for Brittany to follow her, as she slid through the back door, escaping the loud vocals of Rachel.

"Calm down, Joc, I can't understand you." Santan pressed her finger into her other ear as she watched Brittany slide out the door and shut it behind her.

"Listen, I need you to pick up Jillian. She's with Drake." Jocelyn said, finally making a complete sentence.

"Fuck. I can't." Santana started pacing as she held the phone to her ear tightly. She had no idea why Jocelyn even let the low beat see Jillian much less have unsupervised visits with her. It didn't matter if he was her father or not, he didn't deserve having that beautiful creature in his life- in Santana's opinion which she had let Jocelyn know a time or two. Or four.

"I'm on the other end of town, car won't start and triple A won't be here for 30 min. He's meeting at the McDonald's on Maine in 15. Why can't you?" Jocelyn's voice was loud enough that Brittany could hear her shouting.

"I've been drinking, that's why. What about your mom , isn't she home?" Santana let out a loud growl in annoyance before stopping abruptly facing away from the blonde.

"No. She went to Puerto Rico to visit her sister last night. You know that."

"There's no way Jocelyn. I'm too tipsy. Why did you even let her go to begin with." Santana spat, now worried about Jillian.

"Don't start San, I don't want to give him an excuse to say I wasn't being a good mother. There is no way I can be there in 15 minutes. I want her home." Jocelyn's voice sounded desperate and Santana wanted to kick herself for drinking.

"San I can drive you." Brittany spoke up softly and Santana almost didn't hear it.

"No." Santana spat sideways, though she didn't mean for it to come out as nasty as it sounded.

"I don't mind," Brittany continued moving closer to the brunette. "I can drive you to pick her up, it's not a big deal."

Santana felt like she was being swallowed up by a wave. The answer was no. Abso-fucking- lutely not. There was no way she was going to intermingle her two worlds. She wasn't ready. Jocelyn wasn't ready. Jillian wasn't ready. She just couldn't. What if she let Brittany in, and then the blonde left. She couldn't risk her family getting hurt. They just went through something traumatic and she wasn't about to rock the boat further.

"No" she repeated sternly.

"But I can help." Brittany pleaded again. She didn't know why Santana was so adamant on refusing her help. She didn't know much about Jocelyn or Jillian but she knew enough to know they were important to the brunette. She just didn't understand that if they were so important, why the latina wouldn't want to help them right now.

Santana felt her skin start to crawl and she scratched it absently. This was all happening too fast. First she kissed a girl, then she thought it was just a fluke, and now she finds out shes worried about the same girl. She rolled her eyes in annoyance. Now the same exact girl wanted to meet her family. Those who were the most precious to her. Santana shook her head as if answering her own questions.

"Santana, I need your help. Can't you figure out something." Jocelyn's voice snapped Santana out of her panic moment. She could just imagine how horrified Jocelyn would be if she were to find out what Santana did. She cringed at the thought. What if Jocelyn didn't want her to be around Jillian anymore? Santana felt tears prick her eyes at the simple thought.

"Listen ho, I don't know what you want me to do. I'm drunk. I can't drive. I-"

"I said, I'd help. It's not a problem." Brittany interrupted but almost wished she hadn't when Santana's arm slapped at her side and she spun on her heels to face her. She was convinced she was about to see the Snix that Santana always referred to and she would be lying if she said she wasn't terrified. She was. She couldn't move.

"Santana?" Jocelyns voice echoed out from the receiver and into the thick air-ultimately falling upon completely deaf ears.


	13. Don't Ever Go Away

**Chapter 12- Don't Ever Go Away **

Formerly _The World May End edition_ - that became- _The After The Holidays_ _edition _that became the _I'm Sorry mrsmanniquinn For Saying This Would Be Up Wednesday edition_.

Next update within a week- to make up for the long previous wait. -xo

* * *

Santana couldn't remember the last time she felt this heavy. Not just a little upset heavy; but like she was slowly wearing down the pavement because the world was on her shoulders- heavy. She knew she was about to lose her cool, a side of herself she wasn't proud of. Well, maybe she was. But for some reason, the thought of Brittany witnessing Snix made her blood run cold. But it didn't stop her. In fact it only fueled the latina's rage. She hated that she put Brittany in a different category than everyone else. What made her so special?

Santana felt a tiny voice in her head whisper, _What didn't make her special_. She clenched her fists tighter as she heard Jocelyn's voice continue to call out on the other end of the receiver.

"Santana!"

The brunette felt her lip quiver slightly, the breeze tousling her loose curls behind her shoulder. Her eyes were piercing the blonde's in front of her but not out of the normal captivity that she was used to, this felt different. This was out of fear. Fear and a lifetimes worth of pushing people away, plus the fact that she could sense that it was happening again. She tried telling herself that she didn't mind, that she always lost people. Snix always came out, and people retreated. She liked not depending on anyone.

Family was the most important thing to Santana. And not so much her parents, though she loved them and would stand up for them any day, and has before. This was more so her cousin Jocelyn, the one who always stuck around no matter how bitchy the brunette was or how hard she pushed away. Santana felt her eyes prickle with the hint of tears as she stood there. Jillian and Jocelyn filling her head. She couldn't let some random girl into their lives. Especially someone she was convinced would leave once she found out the 'real' Santana. After all, has anyone _ever _stayed?

"Jesus fucking Chr-" Jocelyn sounded like she was about to cut Santana through the phone.

"Fine!" Santana shouted as her head cocked slightly to the side, eyes squinting at the blonde. "I'll be there in less than 10"

She could hear her cousin rambling on the other end of the line, but all she could focus on was how angry she felt. She hated that she was making exceptions for a girl she barely knew. A girl who would hurt her, a girl who she had been having these crazy feel-. Santana stopped herself before she admitted something she wasn't ready to admit. She heard the phone go silent and brought it to her face, realizing the line had been disconnected.

Santana brought the phone down and held it at her side, her eyes connecting once again with blue pools. She wanted to feel captivated, to feel like someone had literally taken her soul out of her body and thrown it on a cloud- but she couldn't. She wouldn't let herself. Not right now.

Brittany could feel the thickness in the air around her. Literally feel it. Even if she couldn't, the hair sticking straight up on her neck proved that something around her had changed. She would have thought it was about to storm, thunder, lightning, maybe even earthquake and from the sight of the latina in front of her- she wasn't far off.

"W-we, should probably leav-" Brittany's voice wasn't her own, it slightly trembled. The sound almost made Santana's heart sink. Almost. If it wasn't so calloused and frozen in fear.

Brittany was slightly confused as she didn't really understand how offering to help the brunette could turn the girl's eyes so black and her voice so distant. She thought Santana would welcome the help, but apparently that was the last thing the girl wanted and it suddenly made Brittany wish she hadn't spoken up at all.

"First of all, don't ever...butt into _my _conversations with _my_ family." Santana's voice was coming out snarky but shaky at the same time.

"I was just trying to h-"

"Ahh," Santana closed her eyes briefly and held up her hand in a 'stop' motion before continuing "Did you not hear me? I said, do. not. I don't care who you are, you have no right to try to meddle in my life."

Brittany felt her eyes grow weak as she tried to tear them away from the brunette but she couldn't. She wished she could, it hurt too much to hold their stare.

"You seemed like you needed help, I jus-"

"No!" Santana felt her face flush, "Just... Don't"

Santana watched as the deep blue of Brittany's eyes slowly faded to a dull lifeless blue-grey. She couldn't help but feel like her harshness was to blame. Snix always ruined the way people looked at her. She was used to it.

"Just leave my life alone" Santana whispered the last statement. She wasn't sure if it was because she knew she didn't mean it, or because she actually did. She was scared at all the uncertainties this blonde beauty brought into her life. She once had everything figured out, was fine with leaving people upset, and never cared about a single person outside of her bubble.

_Once. _

"Why? We can get th-"

"There is no 'we'." Santana pointed back and forth between their bodies. "This?" She was quiet for a moment as she felt her chest swell to twice its original size. Her vision became slightly blurry and she could hear her heart thumping inside her ears. "Is nothing."

Brittany broke eye contact as she felt the pain start behind her nose that signaled tears were coming. She bit her cheek in hopes of preventing it, but no matter how hard she chewed, she felt the sting. This wasn't the girl she knew. This wasn't herSantana.

Brittany mentally slapped herself. Santana was definitely not _hers._

When it came down to it, Brittany realized she didn't really know much about the girl that was standing visibly upset in front of her. She didn't know her quirks or why she didn't like ketchup on everything like Brittany did. She didn't know why she wasn't close to her parents, or what her relationship with her cousins was like. She had no idea what she had been through nor what made her so afraid and so walled off to the rest of the world- to feelings. Brittany had a feeling this was something Santana normally did to make it easier for herself. She wouldn't have to deal with feelings or emotions if she never let anyone in close. If everyone ran screaming in the opposite direction.

Brittany admitted to herself that right now, she kind of wanted to.

But she didn't.

"We should go...I-I mean," Brittany stammered "If we are going to make it on time."

Santana's eyebrows rose slightly, and Brittany suddenly was afraid that she spoke too soon. Maybe she should just leave.

After several seconds that seemed to drag on like hours before an interview, Santana stepped down and made her way towards the back gate. She swayed slightly when she walked, probably because of the alcohol, but Brittany couldn't help the way her eyes fell to the latina's backside. She snapped her eyes away quickly, still blurry with near tears. This was it. She was walking out, and the blonde knew she should stop her, but her feet remained rooted. Physically grounded to the spot she was still standing in.

Once the brunette got to the gate, she twisted the latch and opened it slightly before turning around towards Brittany. "When someone says they'll drive, that usually involves walking to the car." Santana's voice was on edge but her snarkiness was nearly gone. Something that didn't go unnoticed by the blonde.

Part of Brittany wanted to stay where she was, walk home and forget this ever happened. Her heart still hurt as it lay shattered within the secret cave that was her ribcage. When she inhaled she could feel the sharp pieces stabbing roughly, reminding her of what happened. But somehow when she looked into the brunette's eyes she sensed a hint of something she couldn't quite place. Remorse? Sadness? Regret?

Brittany shook her head as she tried to figure it out. She had a feeling there was a lot more to this outburst than just the fact that she offered to help. Maybe it had something to do with Jocelyn, or the baby. Or maybe it had something to do with their kiss. It could even be about her past, something completely unrelated to Brittany.

She licked her lips slowly and followed the brunette out the gate and silently to the car they had arrived in. Without thinking she slid into the driver's seat and watched out of the corner of her eye as the latina buckled her seat belt.

"Main, by that little thrift shop. There's a McDonalds across the street." Santana spoke as she stared out the window, the car pulling out of the driveway.

"Right. Shouldn't take long."

There wasn't much traffic out this late, not that Brittany expected anything less. She would have just liked something to take her mind off the deafening silence that was threatening to bust the windows of the car. Neither had spoken since the directions were given and as Brittany saw the illuminating light from the McDonalds sign, she let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She hoped for at least some noise, even if it was a screaming baby.

Brittany had always been a fan of kids. Having grown up an only child she was very much into playing house and carrying around babydolls. In fact she had just as many babydolls as she did stuffies when she was younger, though hard to believe now. She'd always imagine herself to be some sort of heroic mom, that took care of the sickest child, rescued a kid from a burning building (actually a playhouse), or comforted them when scared. It wasn't that she lacked someone who cared for her like that, but more so the fact that she just felt the need to take care of something. It comforted her.

She was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard the sound of Santana's seat belt unbuckling. She was shuffling around before she looked in the mirror and ran her fingers through her midnight hair quickly.

"Stay in the car. I'll be right back." Santana didn't turn to make eye contact nor did she wait for a response. The door was closed immediately.

Brittany tried not to stare after her as she walked. This time it wasn't in an admiring way, but more in a concerned way. The parking lot was abandoned, except for a black Mitsubishi Lancer about two spaces away, and Brittany suddenly felt worried about the girl's safety. Even if she did know the guy in the car; there was a reason why Santana didn't want the baby around him.

Santana rubbed her arms absently as she felt herself breakout in goosebumps from the chill in the air. As she approached the headlights, the car door in front of her opened and Drake stepped out, skinny as ever and wearing his famous Yankee cap.

"Well, if it isn't the feisty Lopez." he said with a chuckle as he stopped about two feet away from her. She had her arms folded roughly across her chest. Her eyes cut as she clearly looked unamused.

"Lets not pretend we like eachother, we don't have to do small talk. I'm just here to pick up Jillian." Santana nodded towards the car, trying to look through the window.

"Is that tequila? Ah, nah. See, I'm not gonna let my baby go somewhere with a drunk." He bowed his head, fixing his hat before folding his arms in a similar fashion across his chest.

"I'm not drunk you asshole." Santana quipped.

"And I'm sure Jocelyn was too busy getting drunk herself to come pick up her daughter?" he chuckled. "Couldn't find a street corner that could tolerate you two tonight, huh?"

Santana reached up and shoved her finger against his chest, "Look, no one likes you. The only reason we deal with you is because of _that_ child, in _that_ car. Don't go throwing insults like you can offend me. You won't. Now go mosey your skinny ass back to your car, grab my beauty. I'd like to stop staring at a face that's worse than what I saw in my toilet last time I DID get drunk off tequila."

Drake licked his lips as he took a threatening step towards the brunette, obviously not liking the authoritative demeanor she was taking with him.

"Listen, I think a judge would love to know that Jocelyn couldn't even maintain a sched-"

"Hey, you about ready?" Brittany's sweet voice cut through all the thickness in the air like a blade, causing Santana and Drake to both glance at her direction. Santana's face held a look of disbelief, and Drake's showed surprise that there was someone else who was witnessing the whole altercation.

Drake turned his attention back towards the brunette in front of him. "Ahh, so now you need a white girl to save you?" he chuckled but moved away and back towards the car, opening the backdoor.

Santana couldn't help darting her attention back and forth between Drake in the back seat, and Brittany standing a little off in the distance. She wanted to feel angry but at the same time she felt a little grateful. She just wanted to get home.

Brittany watched from a distance as the guy carried a tiny figure from the backseat, limp and clutching a blanket. She couldn't really see the baby from here, but she could tell that Santana was protective over her. She kept motioning with her hands for him to give her up, an action he eventually complied with.

She was glad she had spoken up. After Santana left the car she had rolled down the window slightly, just to hear if anything got out of hand. She was fine until she saw that Santana had pushed Jillian's dad, causing him to immediately invade the latina's space. Brittany felt an immediate queasy feeling in her stomach and did the only thing she could think of to get his attention off Santana. Put the attention on herself.

She watched as Santana clutched the sleeping toddler in her arms, but also noticed that Drake seemed to be watching too. From behind. It wasn't in a 'there goes my child' kind of way, but more of a 'I want a piece of that', kind of way. Brittany suddenly felt anger and a hint of jealousy spread through her body- neither of which she felt often.

She was happy to see that he finally turned and got in his car, the music blaring so loud Brittany could almost feel the beat within her chest. She sat back in the car and turned towards the back, watching as Santana buckled the little girl into her car seat. Brittany took the moment to take in how absolutely gorgeous the baby in front of her was. Her skin was slightly darker than Santana's but not by much, and she had the most gorgeous hair. Tight golden curls hung losely around her face. Her lips were puffy like Santana's but her eyes were bigger, Brittany could tell even though they were shut. She smiled when she saw the girl wearing a few gold bracelets and a gold necklace. She had to be the most beautiful child Brittany had ever seen. And that was saying something.

Her attention got turned back to the older latina when the door beside her slammed shut, and the seat belt once again buckled.

She turned her eyes to graze the latina's features. She felt her heartbeat quicken and her hands get slightly clammy. It always confused her, the way her body responded by simply looking at Santana, but at the same time- she loved the feeling too much to really question it.

The first few minutes of the car ride was silent again and Brittany was growing tired of hearing her pounding heart inside her chest. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it just as quickly, realizing she didn't know what to say.

"I didn't need your help." Santana broke the silence. "Again."

Brittany felt her heart flutter at the sound of the girl's raspy voice, but at the same time she felt saddened because it wasn't in the normal sweet tone she was used to.

Brittany still felt the sharp stabbing sensation when she breathed in and her heart was screaming at her to walk away. To get as far away from the latina as she could. Yet something inside her- her soul maybe?- told her there was no where else she wanted to be.

"I know." Brittany finally got the courage to speak. "I know you didn't need it. You never need help. There's a huge difference between needing help. And wanting it."

Santana didn't speak, instead she watched as the familiar neighborhood started filling the scenery around her. She would never understand how someone who seemed so innocent and childlike one minute, could seem like the wisest soul the next. She bit her lip roughly and an image of the blonde flashed before her eyes. She could almost smell her. In the pit of her stomach she felt the unfamiliar feeling she always got when she was around Brittany. The one that scared her. She closed her eyes briefly. She didn't want to need anyone. But as much as she tried to mentally argue with herself, part of her was glad Brittany was with her tonite. Well not part. More like her whole being.

Santana watched a familiar street come into view before shaking her head slightly at her thoughts. "Next left, then it's the last house on the right."

The alcohol was wearing off, but its presence was still apparent. She heard rustling and turned around to see Jocelyn's huge brown eyes, staring back.

"Well hey there, Miss Diva." Santana's voice cracked slightly, probably from the emotions she was trying her hardest not to show. She swallowed them down.

Brittany put the car in park as she heard a faint giggle come from the back seat. She turned the key before turning around in her seat and smiling at the toddler before her. She was even more adorable now that she was awake.

"Hi there cutie" Brittany said reaching out to grab one of Jillian's feet.

Santana immediately noticed that she didn't change the tone of her voice to talk to the smaller latina, like most people did. She felt a small smirk play at the corner of the lips and felt her chest loosen, and her body relax- but only slightly.

"ntana, I-" the girl yawned deeply.

Brittany smiled at the cute girl's nickname for Santana. She would have assumed she was called 'San' or 'Tana', but the fact that the girl tried to pronounce the whole thing made her smile even harder.

"Look at that yawn, the sandman is totally getting to you! Don't let him see it!" Brittany sucked in air then puffed out her cheeks, making it look like she was hiding something.

Jillian laughed out loud and kicked her feet before trying to imitate the blonde. She definitely looked cuter, her cheeks were chubby. Santana begged to differ. She couldn't help but smile at the blonde and how easily she interacted with Jillian. Not to mention how quickly the toddler had responded, something Santana hadn't really seen before. Just as quickly as the fleeting moment of contentment flooded her, it dissipated and suddenly she felt the need to ruin it.

"Alright, Princess. I bet you are tired. You and I both know hot girl's like us need our beauty rest." Santana laughed, sending the toddler a wink before climbing out of the car to grab her out the back.

Brittany furrowed her brows but followed too, although a little reluctantly. Before they could even make it to the front door, a smaller latina flung it opened and was standing on the porch in Hello Kitty pajama bottoms. Brittany felt a smile starting to pull at her lips when she saw the younger girl. By the look of her pants, they would get along great.

"Thank you, Thank you!" Jocelyn broke out and smiled at the three as they approached the door.

"Yeah, yeah. It was the biggest inconvenience of life actually, and Drake was his normal as-"

"Shhh" Brittany spoke up quietly, nodding towards Jillian who was staring up at Santana, clearly listening.

"Oh! I thought Quinn was driving. Sorry, blondes look a like from a distance." Jocelyn chuckled before shifting her weight towards the side.

"Nope, definitely not Quinn. I'm not that rigid."

Jocelyn bent over forward as a laugh erupted from her chest. "Hey ho, where'd you find this winner? She's my kinda girl. And hot too"

Santana immediately tensed and her grip on Jillian increased unconsciously. She felt a cold sweat start to form on her lower back and she was positive her hands were slipping around Jilly's rear end.

"Ow Ow" Jillian squirmed slightly causing Santana to loosen her grip. Barely.

"I'm Brittany. We met at the hospital, ya know, when Santana wasn't trying to escape." Jocelyn laughed again and Brittany joined in before adding, "Oh and you're totes hot too, but you probably get it from Jilly." She shrugged. Santana let out a small laugh but immediately stopped, losing her smile.

Jocelyn glanced at her cousin before furrowing her brows slightly, "Why don't we chill for a bit and let the tipsy wear off, before you two head out?" Jocelyn's face looked extra eager, and Brittany felt elated that the two seemed to get along.

"No." Santana answered abruptly causing both girls to turn their attention towards her.

"She has to get home. I'll call her a cab." Santana insisted, without letting her eyes fall to the blonde in front of her. She couldn't make eye contact with her. Not now. Not because she was afraid of looking into them, but because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to stop.

"Nonsense. You put Jillian to bed, I'll take her home. I'll be like 10 minutes." Jocelyn slipped on her shoes from inside the door.

"Somehow this is extremely backwards, shouldn't you be taking care of me, whore?" Jocelyn said over her shoulder as Santana walked inside.

"You're the one with the kid, that automatically makes you the caregiver, Ass. Plus, I just picked her up, so _technically_- I did you a favor."

"Actually, Brittany here picked her up. If we are going to be _technical_." Santana rolled her eyes, but again refused to acknowledge the blonde that was about to leave. She wanted to say goodbye, or maybe sorry even? She wasn't sure. Her heart was crumbling as she watched the back of the blonde get further and further from her view. Her hips swaying slightly causing Santana's cheeks to flush.

"Bye, Bye, Bye" Jillian's voice cut through the night air, causing the blonde to delicately turn on her heel. Santana felt her breath get caught in her chest and she forced a swallow past the lump in her throat. That simple movement had completely taken her breath away. She couldn't help but stare now.

"Bye gorgeous. Sleep well. No yawning!" She blew up her cheeks and pointed towards the toddler eliciting a giggle as the mini latina puffed out her cheeks in return.

Santana felt slightly sick. She wasn't sure if it was from the alcohol, Brittany, or because Brittany was somehow infiltrating this other side of her life. She couldn't tell. All she knew was that she wasn't sure how much longer she could take this knotted up emotion that seemed to snowball inside her stomach.

Brittany watched sadly, as the latina's figure slowly disappeared behind the door. There was no 'goodbye', 'i'll text you', 'see you soon'. Nothing. The stabbing pieces inside her chest felt like someone was standing on them. She was positive there was blood somewhere. It couldn't hurt like this without it.

She somehow urged her feet forward, back towards Santana's car and laughed slightly when Jocelyn started adjusting the seats.

"You are freakishly tall." Jocelyn laughed, as she started pulling out the driveway.

"I'm not _that _tall, maybe you're just short." Brittany laughed, buckling her seat belt.

"Thanks for tonite, not only for picking up Jilly but making sure San got home okay." There was soft hip hop music vibrating within the car, but not loud enough to impair their conversation.

"Yeah." Brittany breathed slowly. She was glad she helped, but she could tell her help wasn't welcomed by Santana. Not at all. "You're welcome."

"Don't worry about that bitch's sassiness. She just gets protective over me and Jil" Jocelyn's voice rattled out, as if she could read Brittany's mind. Brittany suddenly got nervous and made a mental note not to think about kissing Santana, just in case the girl next to her could read it.

"A lil bit." Brittany laughed out.

"Yeah, the girl doesn't intermingle her outside life with her family. I've only met Quinn in passing once, and they've known each other for years. She's just private. But a bitch- always a bitch." Jocelyn laughed out loud and mouthed a few lyrics of the song on the radio before turning down a street.

"She's not a bitch." Brittany let out, not sure who she was trying to convince, Jocelyn or herself.

"Yeah. She isn't a bitch, but she acts like one. 90 percent of the time." Jocelyn cut her eyes towards Brittany and smiled.

They were quiet for a while, with the only interruptions being Brittany pointing the way towards her house. She let out a sigh when they pulled up to the larger house, front porch light still on.

Jocelyn put the car in park before reaching over and surprising the blonde with a hug. "I'm glad she let me meet you, you're a sweet girl."

"And hot." Brittany chuckled.

"Well, thats a given. We can only be friends with hotties." Jocelyn smiled before pulling away. "Thanks."

"No problem, Jillian is a sweet heart."

"Thanks, she cute." Jocelyn cocked her head to the side, sounding like Santana when she tried to sound all Lima Heights. "You must be special if Santana brought you within a 10 mile radius of my house...don't let her bitchiness throw you off."

Brittany nodded before saying goodbye again, and throwing a wave as the girl backed out the driveway.

A million thoughts were swirling around in her head but only one kept standing out, as if in a spotlight. Santana's voice echoing all around her.

_There is no 'we'_


	14. It's All Because Of You

**Chapter 13: It's All Because Of You**

"Oh. My. G-, Santana." Jocelyn's voice caused the brunette to look up from her textbook.

"Do you see this?" She pointed towards the front of the living room.

Santana shifted her eyes and tried to focus on the TV. She watched briefly for a few seconds trying to understand what the big deal was, she had seen this Rihanna video a hundred times. This made a hundred and one. She shrugged her shoulders.

"Do you like interrupting me to show me something half of China has already seen?" her brows were arched and her head was tilted to the side. She was nibbling on the tip of her favorite black pen.

Jocelyn rolled her eyes and pointed again towards the front of the room. She was laying on her belly across the lounge chair at the opposite side of the room. Her bent knees swaying her feet in the air. "I meant the horror show that's happening in front yo face." She was smirking, Santana could tell by the tone of her voice. Still, she rolled her eyes in response before turning her attention once again.

She let out a puff of air as a chuckle erupted from deep within her chest. It was short lived because within seconds her head had fallen back, exposing her neck as she laughed harder.

Jocelyn joined in, laughing herself, but tried to fake a serious face, "Look what you taught her."

Santana widened her eyes, trying to see past the laugh tears that had welled up blurring her vision. Jillian was nearing time for bed and had taken off her pants and shirt, leaving her in cinderella underwear and a white undershirt. As the music vibrated its way from the speakers throughout the room, the little latina danced. But it was how she danced that was causing Santana to not be able to breathe. Her little, pudgy, tan arms were above her head and she was twirling in a circle, her little hips swaying. She'd pause every once in awhile to shake her butt before continuing on her tip toes. Santana admitted that even for an almost 2 year old, she was at least following her two guidelines of dance. 1: Keep with the rhythm so you don't look like an idiot. And 2: Own it.

She was definitely owning it. Santana felt slightly proud.

"That's all you" Santana finally breathed out, sticking her pen back in her mouth as Jillian continued to dance around the living room.

"Please, we both know I don't dance like _that_." She pointed again at Jillian.

Santana rolled her eyes and decided to deny those allegations with a smirk and shrug, "Neither do I."

This earned a hearty laugh from Jocelyn as she let her face collapse and hang in front of her. Santana felt herself laugh as she watched her cousin in a fit of giggles.

"P-Please, Santana" Jocelyn finally breathed out in between light laughs, "This is you." In a few seconds she had thrown her legs over the edge and was up on her feet.

Santana watched, trying really hard not to laugh as her cousin attempted to imitate her dance moves. The burn inside her chest was making her eyes water as she swallowed the laugh trying to move its way up her throat. She finally let it loose, laughing loudly as Jocelyn squatted to the floor and slowly came up, hands above her head and her hips rotating in a circular motion.

"Nah, Nah." Santana waved at the girl before moving her books and climbing off the couch. "You forgot to look hot." Santana winked before dancing over to Jillian who had stopped to watch the two older girls dancing around the living room. "It's like this."

Santana swung her hips to one side, bumping her butt out a little to the beat as her hands rose above her head. Jillian laughed hysterically as she jumped on the balls of her feet, hands in the air. Santana laughed and spun around, lowering herself to the ground and coming face to face with Jillian's light brown eyes. The little girl was still laughing as Santana pecked her on her nose before sliding her hips to the side as she moved up. She saw Jocelyn laughing off to the side as she threw her hands in the air and slightly over her head, grabbing a handful of hair as she circled her hips. Jillian trying to match her moves.

"Like this." Jillian said, copying the older latina as she attempted to shake her hips but only managed to shuffle across the floor.

Santana dropped her arms and threw her head back in laughter. This little girl never ceased to amaze her, and although her arrival wasn't planned or rejoiced over- she couldn't imagine life without her. She felt like Jillian was a mini version of herself, and she adored watching her pick up little habits of her own. Even slightly displeasing ones like this. Or that time she hit her foot and screamed, "What the crap?" Santana wouldn't admit it, but she was proud of those moments.

She bent down and picked up the giggling girl, twirling her a few times before peppering her neck with loud kisses. Jillian scrunched up her face and kicked her feet wildly, "Staaaahp"

With one last twirl Santana let herself fall back on the couch, slightly out of breath as Jillian settled on top of her, gripping her arms tightly.

"Right, you're right." Jocelyn rolled her eyes as she fell back next to them, "She definitely doesn't get that from you." The sarcasm was layered heavily as she spoke. Santana just rolled her eyes and hugged the out of breath toddler a little closer.

"The half-naked part, I refuse to take credit for." Santana smirked before letting her eyes drift shut to the sound of Jocelyn's laughter.

A few moments of silence passed, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. More like neither really knew what to say, type of silence.

Santana knew she had been a little more snarky, and a little overly quiet lately. For the last week and a half she felt like a shadow of herself. Like someone had taken her body and she was just kind of, gliding through life. She was biting people's heads off, not that it was uncommon, but it was happening to people that Santana usually was kinder too. Like Jocelyn. Or even Jillian. The last thought made her cringe a little. She half blamed this all on Brittany. If she had never met the girl she was about 80 percent sure she wouldn't be feeling this way.

Meeting Brittany had changed her life, but it also made everything else so complicated. She had feelings of attraction before, but never anything like what she was experiencing with the blue eyed blonde. She felt it deep within the pit of her stomach, and the apex of her spine. She worried about her, and cared about the way she was feeling. It was so- Anti Santana. The fact that she was feeling all of this for another girl just threw her whole life out of order. Did this make her gay? What would her Dad say?

Her dad was in the Navy and had been for as long as Santana could remember. In a way she attributed some of her issues to him being gone all the time. Not in the sense that she needed him around all the time, but at his broken promises and lack of parenting. She shook her head absently and wondered how long this silence would last. She was hoping forever. She hated when her mind drifted to the last time she saw Brittany, and the harshness of her voice. She had been replaying it in her mind multiple times a day, and with each time she chipped a piece of herself away.

"You don't show this side of yourself to other people, do you?" Jocelyn's voice was soft, and it caused Santana's eyes to flutter open. Jillian was still resting on her chest, her head rising and falling with the latina's steady breath.

She wanted to curse her out, to tell her she hated her for breaking the sacred silence that they had created. But at the same time she felt all the emotions she had been feeling for the last month bubbling underneath her skin, and soon tears prickled at the corner of her eyes.

"You're different..." Jocelyn's breath puffed out. "You've been extra moody."

"Joce-"

"And I know, I know...that's just how you are." Jocelyn mocked. "But lately it's been worse. There's something going on." She turned and faced Santana, but the older girl kept her focus elsewhere. Anywhere except her cousin.

"I just worry about you."

"Don't"

"You can't just say that, and expect me to not care, Santana. I can't flip a switch."

"I'm fine."

"But you're not. You keep distancing yourself from everyone. And the more you do that, the angrier you get."

Santana felt a single tear threaten to spill over her eyelids and she willed them to stay put. She had pushed herself away from Brittany. She knew that. She had brought Snix out in hopes of Brittany retreating, and proving her point. That everyone left her. That she could trust no one. And that she was incapable of having anything good in her life. She was such a bitch. And though she always said it casually, this time she actually meant it. She again felt like a shadow. She pushed away the one person who made her feel things, she only read about in fairy tales.

But that wasn't even what was hurting Santana the most. That wasn't what made her feel like a walking dark, hollow version of herself. No. It should, but it wasn't.

Instead it was the fact that Brittany hadn't been pushed away. That she stayed. This is what kept Santana up at night, and what caused her to lash out at everyone around her. Brittany, didn't leave. Despite all that happened that night. She came back.

Well she didn't really come back, at least not technically. But she had texted Santana several times in the past week and a half. Never once mentioning that night, or even acting like anything had happened. That only made Santana feel worse.

"I'm not angry." Santana said, although she knew Jocelyn wouldn't believe her. Truth was, she didn't even believe herself.

"Hmph," Jocelyn breathed out roughly but didn't open her mouth to speak.

"I'm not. I'm just confused." Santana loosened her grip on the girl a little as she shifted positions. It was getting late. She wouldn't be surprised if the girl fell asleep soon.

"Well you sure are acting angry. I've never seen you like this, San." Jocelyn picked up a pen and tapped it on her knee absently.

"I get it, Jocelyn. I'm a bitch. Can you just drop it." Santana was suddenly getting annoyed.

"No, I won't. I'm not going to watch you go down this path. Where you distance yourself from everyone. Some people deserve it. But other's don't. You have to open yourself up. Not everyone will hurt you."

"You don't know that."

"You're right. I don't. But I'd rather see you happy and enjoying life. Getting hurt in the end. Than whatever this is." She pointed with the tip of her pen towards Santana. "This shell of the cousin I used to know."

Silence surrounded them again, and Santana was positive that Jillian had fallen asleep. She was halfway grateful. She didn't want her hearing all that they were talking about. Santana's breath had finally evened out more, and she had just shut her eyes again when Jocelyn spoke.

"How's Brittany?"

Santana's eyes shot open and her heart rate increased. She watched as Jillians head moved faster as it lay upon her chest.

"Uh, She- We haven't really talked." It wasn't a complete lie. Yea, Brittany had texted her a few times, but she hadn't responded. She felt herself feel guilty again.

"Pushing her away too?" Jocelyn whispered.

Santana didn't speak. Not because she didn't know what to say, but because Jocelyn was right- and there was no answer to her question.

"Soon, you're going to push all the good ones away. And all that will be left will be people unworthy of your time."

Jocelyn pulled herself forward and glanced back down at the older latina. Her eyes were slightly puffy and her cheeks were a little flushed. Her hands even looked a bit jittery.

"Jocelyn"

Santana looked towards her cousin, slanting her eyes slightly as she felt Jillian shuffle and lift her head. So much for being asleep.

"Stop being so stoic. It's scaring me."

"Ha. Ha." Jocelyn laughed mockingly before climbing off the couch and picking up Jillian off Santana. The latina immediately felt a rush of cold air as the little girl's body was lifted off, she shuddered slightly. She watched as they both disappeared out of the room, probably off to get ready for bed.

Santana puffed air in her cheeks before slowly blowing out a long exhale. She pulled herself off the couch and made her way through the house and past the front door. She stooped down and sat on the cold bricks of the front steps, twirling her phone in her hand.

Her heart was hammering inside her rib cage, sounding like a distant hip hop song vibrating in her ears. Jocelyn's voice was swirling in her head and images of Brittany looking hurt stared back at her. The hollow feeling within herself returned. She briefly wondered how long she had felt empty. She tried to think back to her previous relationships, to times with her friends, Jocelyn, her Dad. She couldn't think of one time that she felt completely whole. Maybe close. But she always felt like she was missing out on something. In all honesty, whatever she was missing out on- was probably her own fault.

She slid her finger across her screen and pulled up her text messages smiling as she read through the few Brittany had sent in the last week. One in particular made her let out a breathy laugh as she opened to a picture of Lord Tubbington on his back, his stomach awkwardly leaning to the side, fur slightly lumpy. Underneath she read what Brittany had written.

_His plastic surgeon is not getting a visit from Santa. This is definitely a liposuction gone wrong._

She thumbed through the other texts before hovering her finger over Brittany's icon. Her palms were growing sweaty and she felt like everything within her was telling her to just let the girl go. She had made it this far pushing people away, why change it up now?

A vision of their kiss flashed in her head and without thinking she pressed her thumb down firmly, closing her eyes in the process. She slowly put the phone to her ear. This was worse than not answering, she was opening herself up for rejection. What if Brittany had enough? What if Brittany was annoyed? What i-

"Hello?" Brittany's voice rang out and brought Santana back to reality. She shivered as a gust of wind blew past her.

"Oh- Uh, Hi" Santana rolled her eyes at herself. She was stuttering. There was silence on the other end of the phone, and Santana felt her heart rate quicken at a lack of words.

"You there?" the blonde questioned sweetly.

"Yeah, sorry," the brunette squinted at how lame she sounded but continued anyway. " I was wondering, I mean if you weren't busy, which you probably are. I mean you aren't just sitting around waiting. Not that you were waiting, or sitting really. You could be standing, or-"

Brittany's giggle caused Santana to take a deep breath. She sighed heavily.

"What I was trying to say was, Can I see you?" Santana wasn't sure she meant it to come out as personal as it did, but she didn't regret it. It oddly felt a little nice.

"Unfor-tunately" Brittany started and Santana felt her chest sink. She even felt the tingle behind her nose and she swore, that if she let _one_ tear out- she would slap herself. "I _am _busy-"

"That's fine, don't worry about it. I was just-" Santana interrupted her, not wanting to hear what she was doing that was more important.

"Santana" Hearing Brittany say her name caused a tingling sensation to prickle it's way down the latina's spine. Her mouth went dry. She missed hearing her say her name. She missed her voice. She missed- Santana decided to stop there.

"I am busy. I'm snuggled with Lord T watching a movie. I promised him a lounge day since he quit smoking. Plus I felt a little tired."

Santana let out a quiet breath, rolling her eyes- but not in annoyance more so because she was taken back by Brittany's innocence.

"It's okay, we can just hang-"

"I want to see you." Brittany let out quickly, surprising herself. "Come join us?"

If Santana's heart was a low key hip hop song before, it was a Jay Z concert now. She could barely hear and her stomach fluttered with 300 newly released butterflies. Her vision even went a little blurry. She tried to speak, to answer so she wouldn't look like an idiot- but her body was paralyzed. She didn't know if it was because she wanted to be close to the girl so badly- or if this was her body's way of telling her to abort the whole thing. And just cut her losses.

"Santana?" There she goes again.

"Uh- yeah, sorry." She inhaled deeply before closing her eyes and gripping her arm tightly. After a few more seconds of silence Santana answered shakily, "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Cool, See you soon?"

"Yep." Santana was trying to play it cool, but she was positive every cell in her body was screaming.

"Awesome. Bye!"

Santana clicked the phone off as she felt the feeling return to her hand, she must have been gripping the phone harder than she thought.

"You do realize you're sitting on the porch Papi threw up on when he came home from the hospital...right" Santana looked down at the steps she was sitting on, a slight grimace pulling at her lips.

"Yeah. Right there." Jocelyn's face contorted in fake disgust as she pointed down.

"You're such a dick." Santana laughed as she hopped off the steps smiling before brushing past her quickly, "Don't worry, it makes you loveable."

"Where are you off to?" Jocelyn questioned, noticing Santana packing up her things as she hummed. "And why are you humming?"

"Can a girl not hum?"

"They can." Jocelyn nodded, leaning against the door frame. "It's just rare for an angry, cold ho."

Santana rolled her eyes before flipping her bag over her shoulder, and leaning in to kiss her cousin on the cheek. "Eh, It's rare for a dick to be so soft too. But look at you" She smacked her on the butt.

"I'm not soft, just worried about you that's all" Jocelyn glanced to Santana's retreating figure.

"I'm fine." Santana sang out and waved behind her. It was scary, but Santana was almost positive that she was beginning to mean it.

* * *

_(A/N) This was originally intended to be a long chapter. But I broke it into two parts in order to make sure I updated on time. A couple bombs got dropped on my life yesterday, and I didn't want it to prevent this getting updated. So heres part one. Part two, probably Friday. Thanks for reading and reviewing, it means so much to me. _

_Not much Brittana interaction in this chapter- but the next chapter is 100%. _

_newvida . tumblr . com _


	15. I Fall Into An Ocean Of You

**Chapter 14- I Fall Into An Ocean Of You**

Santana wasn't sure exactly what she was expecting to happen or how she even arrived at the clean white door in front of her. She vaguely remembered being ushered in by Ms. Pierce before she jogged up the stairs and eased down the darkened hallway. The latina could hear the muffled noises from a television but her own heart seemed louder. She swallowed roughly, her body feeling overly sweaty.

Santana thought that being away from Brittany would be harder than it was, not that it was ever easy. But she surprised herself in the sense that she still got up everyday and managed to fool everyone around her. Aside from the extra bitchiness. They all took note of that.

As she stood in front of Brittany's bedroom door; however, she felt like it had been the worst week and a half of her life. Her lungs swelled twice their normal size, pushing up against her rib bones in annoyance. She had no idea what she wanted to say to the blonde, or how to go about speaking to her in general. Santana felt like such an ass for how she treated the poor girl. Although, she was almost positive she'd never admit that.

Except to Brittany. Which she quickly remembered, was why she came in the first place. To apologize.

She let her tongue slip out and glide over her puffy bottom lip before sucking it back in her mouth. Raising her hand, she hovered in front of the door briefly before sucking all her air in and knocking.

"It's open."

Santana swore her heart fluttered when she heard the blonde's voice on the other side. The air inside her lungs was forced out quickly, and she briefly considered running back downstairs and out the front door. She may have actually gone through with it, had she not greeted Brittany's mom when she arrived. Her hands felt clammy as she brought them to her side and fluttered her eyes shut. Slowly she reached forward and turned the knob, peaking around the corner and inside Brittany's room.

Her long midnight hair cascaded across her shoulders causing her to shudder, her lip quivering involuntarily. Why she was so nervous, she would never know. She had survived just fine without seeing the blonde but now that her eyes fell on Brittany's form it felt like a magnet was pulling her. She instinctively increased her grip on the door as if it would hold her in place.

She couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corner of her lips when her eyes finally connected with pools of blue. She felt her blood warm up as it rushed through her veins, her body tingling in it's unfamiliarity. Brittany was curled up at the end of her bed, her body lost beneath a sea of baby blue fabric. Her pale toes stuck out slightly and hung off the edge of the bed, as her hair cascaded down the other end. She was propped up on her elbow and was absently scratching the belly of that fat cat Santana had seen the last time she was at the Pierce household. She took a few steps forward but kept her fingers clasped around the doorknob, just incase her legs decided to fail her.

She kept waiting. Waiting for Brittany to look upset or disappointed. Angry or hurt. She waited for it, probably longer than was comfortable, but it never came. Instead she was met with one of Brittany's bashful smiles. Santana noticed her complexion was paler than normal and had to stop herself from asking a million questions right off the bat. Her heart was beating so fast it started to sound like a distant hum. The brunette could feel it vibrating her chest.

"Do you plan on standing there the entire time you're here?" Brittany's voice brought Santana slightly out of her head. She felt her fingertips loosen on the door as she slowly eased it shut. The television suddenly seemed louder than it had been a minute ago, now that she wasn't staring into Brittany's eyes. She let out a soft chuckle before turning on her heels.

"Step Up? Really?" She pointed over to the TV with a slight squat at her knees for emphasis.

Brittany felt a slight blush crawl up her face as she chewed on her lower lip. She forced herself to roll her eyes before pushing herself up into a sitting position. She was silently hoping that it would encourage Santana to sit next to her. "What's so wrong with this movie, the dancing is awesome."

"The dancing maybe, but have you seen the acting? It's vom worthy." Santana glanced over her shoulder at the scenes being played out and imitated a deep gag. Brittany rolled her eyes.

"Shut up."

"Cor-ny"

"You say that like you don't love watching 'JLo in concert' when you're home alone." Brittany's eyebrow rose slightly, as if she knew she already won.

"Hey, I told you that in confidence." Santana glanced around the room briefly. She wasn't sure if she was serious, or just doing it to play along with the blonde. Either way she found herself genuinely laughing for the first time in nearly two weeks. "Plus it's live from Puerto Rico, I watch it to feel closer to my heritage." Santana shrugged and moved towards the edge of the bed.

"Uh- huh." Brittany laughed as she pulled the blanket around her waist causing Lord Tubbington to let out a deep growl of annoyance.

"You sure that cat won't attack me? It looks like it wants to eat me for dinner."

" He's just a big baby, Santana. " Brittany smirked.

Someone punched her. At least that's what it felt like. All the air was forced out of her lungs and she tried desperately to inhale oxygen to fill the void. Her skin was back to feeling clammy. All over one word. One pronunciation. One voice. She would never get used to the way her name sounded as it rolled off Brittany's lips. The thing that was scaring her the most, was she really didn't want to. In a way she was starting to love the feelings that were coursing through her body. She clenched her wrist in her right hand and rubbed it absently as she looked at the spot next to Brittany on the bed. She couldn't even hear the movie anymore over the sound of hear heartbeat within her own ears. She chewed on her cheek briefly before easing herself down, trying to remain casual with one leg dangling off the edge.

"He looks menacing to me." Santana whispered as she reached out to touch the fat cat.

"Hardly. He has rolls- under his chin."

Santana let out a soft chuckle as she finally touched her fingertips to the cat's fuzzy head. He nuzzled into her touch slightly causing the brunette to let out a thankful puff of air. She scratched a little further, dipping behind his ears and around his neck. She was just starting to swipe a finger down his nose when he pulled both front paws up and interlocked them around her arm. Opening his mouth he clamped down on the tanned knuckle, not enough to break the skin but enough to startle the girl and elicit a tiny squeal.

"Tubbington!" Brittany's voice was the most stern Santana had ever heard her speak. She noticed how the cat's mouth was still around her knuckle but he had stopped biting. It was like he was frozen at the sound of Brittany's voice. His paws twitched slightly, still wrapped around the latina's arm. If Santana hadn't been a little nervous she would have laughed at how terrified the cat looked. As if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Stop that. No dessert tonite." Brittany swatted at the cat's hind legs causing him to release Santana's arm and flip over, before jumping off the bed.

"Damn cat." Santana said, immediately grabbing her arm as if the whole encounter actually hurt. She didn't even have a mark.

Without thinking, Brittany reached over and grabbed the long tan fingers across from her, bringing them up to her face to look for bite marks. Her brows furrowed as she tilted the latina's hand left then right before shrugging to herself and finally moving her gaze up the girl's arm.

"Doesn't look like he di-" Her voice trailed off once she connected her eyes to the fiery ones staring beneath thick eyelashes. She suddenly realized whose hand she was holding, and her fingertips began to tingle and heat up. Santana looked back with just the same intensity. Her own heart swelling to twice it's original size the second Brittany had grabbed her hand. She tried to even out her breath, to calm her nerves. But nothing worked. All she could focus on was the milky skin that was touching her hand, and the way the heat seemed to sear her own skin. She mentally wondered why she couldn't smell burning flesh. It was that hot. Yet she couldn't pull her hand away.

Santana was the first to break eye contact, doing so quickly as she slid her hand from Brittany's grasp. She looked down to her lap, once again holding her wrist. Her breathing was shallow; her heart humming. She didn't even know where to begin, or how to talk about this kind of thing. She had never been here before. She never cared enough.

"I'm sorry." It just came out. Like word vomit.

"For...?"

There was a long silence. It wasn't uncomfortable or even awkward. Santana sat quietly, rubbing her wrist and shaking the heel that dangled off the patterned bedspread. Brittany watched as the girl before her seemed uneasy and so unsure. She wanted to reach out and help but at the same time, she knew better. She knew if she waited long enough, Santana would come around. At least that was what she had been hoping for this whole time.

She would be lying if she said she wasn't hurt by the words that flew out of Santana's mouth the night of the party. It felt like venom or knives. Sand even. It left a raw feeling in the back of her throat and a slight ache with each move she took. She wasn't trying to invade the latina's life, or cause her so much pain. For a brief period of time, Brittany considered leaving the girl alone. That maybe, whatever was happening between them was causing the latina too much pain to continue. She only thought about this for less than 12 hours and found herself texting the girl about Deedoe before she could stop herself.

It was as if she connected with the latina on a different level than anyone she had ever met before. It's like she needed her in a whole new way. Not just for her presence or her witty humor, but she needed her to know she wasn't the bitch she always made herself out to be. That sometimes, just sometimes, there is a window open. A light at the end of a tunnel. A dance after a storm.

"I don't even know where to start." Her voice sounded so frail. A small, tired version of herself.

"You don't have to apolo-"

"That's just it, I do. And I hate that I do." Santana's voice grew higher. It was hard to tell if it was from emotion or anger. Or both.

"I don't understand." Brittany furrowed her brows.

"With you everything's different." Santana let out a heavy sigh, as if admitting that out loud forced the air out of her lungs.

Brittany looked down at her own hands as she bit her bottom lip. She was going to respond but she had a feeling the latina wasn't finished.

"I've never cared before, if I hurt someone's feelings." Santana sighed, her voice returning to normal. "But with you, all I can think about is how you're feeling."

Santana wanted to cringe at how lame she sounded. She hoped it didn't seem as lame to Brittany. She was really trying to get her feeling's out, but she was positive she wasn't making much sense. Her hands were clammy, but she couldn't stop rubbing them together. She forced her eyes to keep staring at them. She was positive she couldn't handle looking at Brittany right now.

"I'm sorry..for that night and everything that came along with it." Santana let the sound of the movie fill her ears but only briefly. It was soon replaced by the pounding within her own head. Too many thoughts were trying to force themselves out. Too many feelings.

"I push people away, Brittany. Sometimes, I don't even realize that's what I'm doing. I just act all crazy and it happens. People back off. People leave. It's so much easier that way. If I make them leave, they can't leave me on their own." There was a hint of sadness in her voice as she continued.

"My dad. He's been in the Navy for as long as I can remember. The whole 'big ship' or 'man in white' image. That's my dad." She said with a shrug.

"Growing up, I remember being so excited to tell him about my performances, assemblies, school functions, birthday parties. I can still hear him saying 'Tanita, anything for you.' "

Brittany glanced over at the latina whose head was bowed slightly, her charcoal hair creating a curtain impossible to see through. "D-Did he go?" Brittany's voice was uneasy and only a whisper.

"Nope." Santana flung back her hair as she looked up towards the ceiling, trying to force a tear to stay within her eyelid. "It wasn't his fault. He couldn't help being on the ship, or that he had to go to work. And I didn't mind then. I got to spend all my free time with Jocelyn."

"But" Santana finally let the tear escape down her cheek, "when my recitals came, I always hoped that this would be the day. This was when he would keep his promise. This was when he would come to me."

Santana shrugged as another rolled down. "The way I see it, everyone leaves eventually. Everyone hurts you eventually. So why not get it out of the way? Prevent it?" She finally turned her head to make contact with the blonde, her own blue eyes glistened with tears.

Brittany felt her lip quiver slightly. She didn't know how to answer that question.

"It's always worked for me. Keep everyone at a distance. They can't hurt you from there- you can't feel the ache or the disappointment, you can't feel like your soul shattered sending pieces digging into your bones. It always worked...until you."

"M-Me?" Brittany didn't know what else to say, she was positive her heart had stopped beating and soon she'd pass out from lack of blood flow.

"I tried. I tried so fucking hard to push you away." Santana focused on Brittany's eyes, getting lost in them. Her chest felt like it was aching with a slow monotonous burn. She searched Brittany's eyes for a clue, or glimpse into what she was feeling or thinking. She wasn't sure why, but her nerves were starting to melt away with the heat that radiated within her.

"But I didn't let you," Brittany whispered, her eyes focusing back and forth on Santana's.

"But you didn't let me," Santana whispered as she felt herself lean forward slightly.

Santana could feel herself losing her surroundings. Everything around her was becoming slightly blurry. All she could hear was Brittany's staggered breathing and the sound of her own heart thumping wildly against her ribcage.

"You stayed. Even when I was a bitch. Even when I gave you no reason to. You were there, even when I wasn't sure I wanted to be. Since the party, I've been telling myself that the longer I was away from you the easier it would be. That I could get the same feeling in the pit of my stomach, the same tingle across my lower back, the same addicting throb within my veins- without being around you. I convinced myself those feelings would go away. That it was okay. But now..." Santana trailed off, her eyes becoming moist again.

Brittany couldn't tell if the heat had been turned up or if her own body was capable of warming the whole room. She couldn't believe the words coming out of Santana's mouth, nor could she believe the girl was in a way describing how she felt. Brittany felt like her heart was contorting itself to climb out her throat. She positioned her hands underneath her legs to prevent herself from grabbing the girl in front of her.

"I-I'm here. And I realize, that I wasn't okay before. I was just- existing." Santana let out a shaky breath, "I-I miss being with you. I miss being alive."

Brittany quickly brought her hands out from under her legs, and within seconds she had enveloped Santana close to her chest and was absently rubbing her lower back. A warm brown sugar smell invaded her nostrils as she felt like her chest magnetically clicked to the one against her. "I missed you, too"

"I'm sorry" Santana let out, unsure what else to say.

"Hey," Brittany tried to coo Santana forward.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never wa-"

"Hey," Brittany tried again.

"I'm sor-"

"Santana"

Santana let her body mold further into the blonde, she swore she wasn't made of skin and bones anymore, but rather just a puddle of who she used to be. She had trouble deciphering where she ended and where Brittany began. Her skin stuck heavily to the girl beneath her arms, her hot breath, bouncing off of Brittany's arm and returning to her face. She felt her heart racing and an electric shiver run down the length of her spine. It only caused her to grip tighter. Her skin was so damn soft.

"God." Santana let out, her voice slightly husky causing Brittany to swallow hard. "You feel so good."

Brittany felt her chest swell as it bumped up against her ribcage. Her pulse was racing and she was positive Santana could feel the butterflies fluttering against her abdominal wall. She couldn't believe this all was real. Was it? Was she dreaming? God she hoped not. She wanted to kiss her. To kiss her harder than she kissed her last time. She wanted to-

"I forgot how good this felt." Santana's voice brought Brittany out of her head. She was thankful, who knows how far she would have gotten.

"You don't have to run, Santana. It's okay to need someone." Brittany's voice was small, almost like she was afraid of offending the brunette.

Despite the blonde's words, Santana felt herself smiling. She wasn't sure if it was because she was pressed against the blonde's skin, or because Brittany said her name again. She didn't want to ruin the moment with her worries and insecurities. She wanted to absorb all that was Brittany. Who knew when this would end.

"I know it may not mean anything. Or you may not trust it. Or whatever." Brittany traced another circle on Santana's back before furrowing her brows. She bit her lip absently. "But I won't let you down."

Santana felt her stomach knot. She clenched the girl's waist even tighter, if that was possible and fluttered her eyes shut. How this girl existed she will never know. She was so innocent and pure. Santana wanted to sit back and gaze at her in awe, but at the same time she needed to be pressed against her to know she was real. Even now she didn't feel close enough. She never felt close enough.

"I've never felt anything like this before." Brittany starts and Santana feels her hands shake nervously against her skin. She grips harder hoping it gives Brittany the urge to continue.

"My whole life, I've been looking for relief. Relief from needles, doctors, fevers, those looks people give you when they visit. Looking for something that would finally let me exhale a breath I kept concealed in my lungs."

Santana felt Brittany shake slightly within her grasp. Her own heart was pounding heavily within her ears as the blonde spoke. She was terrified of the words being said, yet at the same time she never felt more fulfilled.

"After that night in the hospital, at the fountain, I could breathe. I didn't know why, but it was such...a relief." Brittany sighed heavily as if she was remembering the weight on her chest. "All I can think about when I'm around you, is somehow showing you the same relief you gave to me. I've never met someone, and wanted to give them everything."

Brittany's voice seemed to crack, as it was barely above a whisper. "I want to give you everything."

Santana couldn't help but nuzzle herself further into the blonde. Her heart was swollen, with love or blood she wasn't sure it mattered. She couldn't believe this was happening, that someone actually cared about her. She swallowed thickly as she felt Brittany run her long fingers through her dark wispy curls. In a matter of seconds, Brittany had eased herself backwards and Santana had shuffled with her.

A long time passed before either moved or tried to speak. It was as if they were afraid it was truly a dream they would wake up from. Or a moment in one of their imaginations. A fluttering memory.

Santana nuzzled further into the sea of blonde locks that cascaded before her. She inhaled deeply, trying to engrain the scent in her memory. She wasn't sure what all this meant but she found herself smiling as she thought of Brittany's words. She felt relief. But at the same time she felt anxious.

"I'm scared." Santana whispered. She almost thought the blonde had fallen asleep to the Menu music of Step up, it took so long for her to answer. She was about to repeat the statement when she felt Brittany bend down and place a soft kiss against the top of her head. She lingered her lips there, Santana feeling the warmth with each exhale against her scalp. Somehow that comforted her more than anything Brittany could have said.

She could probably go back to just existing. And if she tried she could convince herself that the time she spent without Brittany wasn't that difficult. But that would be a lie. She was meant to be here. She was meant to feel alive. She suddenly felt her eyes prickle with tears as she snuggled further into the blonde.

"I wish.." She whispered, her lip quivering slightly.

"Hmm" Brittany let out a throaty mumble which caused Santana's voice to catch in her throat. Even in near slumber, the girl was taking her breath away.

"I wish I could go back." She started out as she opened her eyes and took in Brittany's pale features. She was so beautiful. Santana swallowed the lump in her throat as she tried to continue.

She felt the blonde sigh deeply against her. She finally let her eyes close as she pressed her lips close to the blonde's collar bone. Close enough to graze but too far to kiss.

"I wish I could take the last week back. I thought I was okay- but it was nothing compared to this. I'd go back if I could...and I'd give it to you."

* * *

**(A/N) I wanted to thank everyone who sent PM's, left tumblr messages, or reviews to wish me well! It meant the world to me. You guys are the best. **

**As for the bombs dropped on my life- I'm still dealing with the aftermath. It's a slow cleanup process. But again- Thanks for your support. You're sweetness amazes me. **

**Happy to report- the next like 5 or so chapters of this fic have been planned out. And as my schedule becomes more consistent within the next week, hopefully that leads to more consistent, frequent updates. yay**

**Would love to hear from you- tumblr it up! **


	16. Make No Mistake

**(A/N) **Sorry everyone! My life has been utter chaos lately and I know that's no excuse but I do apologize for leaving you all hanging. I also appreciate how patient each of you have been and for the lovely messages I continue to receive. You are truly the best.

* * *

**Chapter 15- Make No Mistake**

"What are you doing here?" Brittany was smiling in her penguin pajamas as she stood in the crack of the door.

"Am I not allowed to stop by?" Santana cut her eyes playfully. She had been anxious to see Brittany since they fell asleep together the day before, but time hadn't been on her side. To be completely honest, time really wasn't on her side right now either, but she was positive she couldn't wait any longer.

"Oh you are," Brittany smirked. "but isn't it time for school? Like now?" She let out a soft chuckle which Santana immediately mimicked. The door to her car was still left a jar, her loud music filling up Brittany's driveway.

"It is." Santana spoke matter of factly as she tiptoed across the damp grass.

Brittany narrowed her eyes as she watched the latina's cheer skirt dance eloquently across her thighs as she moved. She found herself biting on her bottom lip subconsciously, her heart hammering within her chest. She had been caught off guard by Santana's _Come Outside _ text at this ungodly hour of the morning. Once the shock wore off, she almost threw herself down the stairs she was moving so fast. Now here the girl was, looking gorgeous in a barely there cheerleading outfit. Brittany had to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat with each muscle that tightened in the latina's legs.

"But," Santana stopped abruptly at the bottom of the porch stairs. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her Cheerio's jacket, hoping it would somehow calm her nerves. The way Brittany's eyes sparkled in the new day's sun reminded Santana of blue food coloring- right as it hits a cup of water. Her voice got lost somewhere, probably running off with her courage, as she felt neither. She cleared her throat briefly before tilting her head slightly to the side, her pony tail tickling the back of her neck. "I had to see you."

Brittany couldn't help the smile that was pushing at her lips as she rolled her eyes, her cheeks turning red. "Please, Santana Lopez, you fool no one. You just want to miss part of that awful Spanish class you tell me about. I know it's your first class." Brittany cut her eyes playfully.

"Maybe." Santana smirked. "Or I just wanted to see you."

Brittany bounced lightly on her the balls of her feet, not being able to contain the bubbles fluttering beneath her skin. Since the night Santana came over, Brittany had found it hard to _stop _smiling. Being so close to the tanned girl once, caused the blonde to ache more for her when she wasn't around. Sometimes if she closed her eyes and imagined that Santana's hand was in her's, she could feel it. But it was nothing compared to the real thing. And since the brunette had nuzzled into her neck as they hugged goodbye, Brittany found herself wanting to feel it all the time. That and the desire to kiss her again was growing unbearable. She had no idea where they stood, or what it all meant. And she was afraid to ask.

"You're sweet." Brittany replied bashfully.

Santana felt her cheeks blush slightly as she rammed her hands further into her pockets. She hadn't really thought this through. She was just on a weird version of auto pilot as she drove here. Only one thing was on her mind, and now that she was standing right in front of her- she didn't know what to do next.

"I just wanted to.."

"I missed you." Brittany cut in before Santana could finish. She had maneuvered from the door and was jogging down the porch steps. They held eye contact for milliseconds really, but it felt like forever as Brittany battled with what to do. Her hands seemed to vibrate in preparation for touching the brunette but she also didn't want to overstep. She could hear her heart beating within her ears as she just took a leap. She leaned out and wrapped her arms around the smaller girl, burying her face in the nape of her neck.

Brittany was holding on so tight, she was convinced she may smother herself against Santana's smooth skin. For a second she actually thought she inhaled her. Her lungs struggled to gain more oxygen, but she forced herself to stay as she felt the cool arms wrap around her lower back.

The blonde wasn't sure if was the lack of oxygen to her brain, or if someone else took over her body but soon she felt her lips extend and slowly brush against the girl's neck. She pressed firmly enough to feel Santana's pulse throbbing against her bottom lip. She kissed once. Then twice.

Santana could feel the girl's hot breath hitting her skin, and she was positive her eyes tried to roll back in her head when she felt soft lips brush against her neck. She wanted her to keep going, hell she wanted to skip school today and continue this. Whatever this was. Her body seemed to be sliding into a new dimension, filled with only this girl in her penguin pajamas. Filled with this feeling.

Her heart wasn't even beating anymore, it was humming as she felt her lungs start to gasp for oxygen. She managed to open her eyes briefly as she felt another kiss against her neck. Her brain kicked in and she started panicking. Is this what she wanted? Did she want to take this further? She felt like she couldn't breathe. She wasn't sure now if it was from Brittany or from her thoughts.

Somehow, amid the faint smell of a warm sugar and lavender, Santana pulled herself from the girl's grasp with a shy smile. The slight look of confusion from Brittany made her heart sink a little in her stomach. She felt nauseous.

"I uh..." She started but no further words managed to escape her lips as she pulled further, separating them slightly.

Brittany frowned slightly before looking away and backing up, "S-sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"No no, it's just..." Santana paused briefly and fiddled with the hem of Brittany's shirt in between her fingers. "this is all so new."

"I don't know. It happened before I realized what I was doing."

Santana wanted to lean up and kiss the look of sadness off the blonde's face. She wanted to learn where all her freckles were, and memorize every curve and scar. She wanted to know more about the dad that was barely mentioned, her health battle, her deepest thoughts and craziest dreams. But she was scared. Terrified. She just felt so conflicted. Like a war was raging inside her veins, and her body was turning to a pathetic battleground full of devastation.

"I think I just need time, Britt."

Brittany felt her heart expand and her stomach tighten as her name came off Santana's lips. She was worried that being so forward would freak the latina out. She had no idea why she wasn't freaked out more, probably because she was so blindsided by the feelings coursing through her body. She wanted to give Santana whatever she needed, and if time is what she needed, then she could wait to be close to her. Hell, she's waited for worse. Her mind tried to drift to the possibility of Santana walking away, but she shook the thought away, trying to grasp eye contact with the brunette.

"Time." Brittany bounced slightly on her toes before bringing her finger up to the girl's forehead and sliding it down her nose, ending it with a slight tap. She felt her stomach flip when the latina broke her lips to show her beautiful smile. "I can do that."

Santana felt her chest collapse briefly at the girl's words. Every time she was positive she had her head wrapped around the idea of who Brittany was, she was blown out of the water. How did she ever meet someone like her?

She would be lying if she admitted that she had felt this way before. She hadn't. Not with any boy she had ever dated or hooked up with. She had never felt so alive, like she was ready to literally bust from the bubbles the girl created within her. Her chest felt warm, and her toes tingled. She was positive her back was now sweating even though it was chilly outside. Not to mention her breathing couldn't find a steady rhythm and all she had thought about for the last 5 minutes was what it would feel like to kiss her again. Then her mind had to go and spazz out.

"You're so perfect." Santana let the words flutter past her lips in a whisper, shocking herself that it was her voice that said them.

Brittany smiled and swayed her head to the side briefly, "Hardly." Santana rolled her eyes before turning her attention back towards her car. The music seeming to be much louder than it had been when Brittany was kissing her neck. She inhaled deeply as she thought about it again, absently bringing her hand to her chest to stop the ache.

"I should probably get going, I think I missed enough of Spanish." She said with a wink.

"I knew it!"

Santana leaned in again and encircled her arms around the girl in front of her, to hide her cheesy grin. In seconds her face was surrounded by blonde strands and that perfume smell that seemed to make her high. She honestly felt lightheaded. Hugging Brittany always made her feel like she was about to faint. She soaked it up, and inhaled deeply.

"Bye Britt." She whispered, heating up the blonde's hair before letting go after a tiny squeeze.

She jogged briefly back to her open car door, and felt her cheeks heat up when she realized Brittany was staring. She felt a strong heat begin to radiate down her stomach to between her legs. She felt her body shudder. She waved briefly before climbing in the car and shutting the door, the loud music vibrating her chest.

* * *

Santana swung her white cheering shoe lightly, her legs crossed one over the other. She hated Spanish class. With an undying passion. She watched as Mr. Schue attempted another awful pronunciation of a simple spanish adjective. Every day she sat in this class, was one more day she was convinced he bought his way into the position. She cringed again before blinking slowly and folding her arms across her chest. Her eyes fell upon the windows to the left of the room, the arms of trees dancing delicately within her view.

She thought of Brittany dancing. Her arms flowing out at her sides as her hair flowed behind her and her feet twisted. She wondered when the last time Brittany had been physically able to dance was, and if she wanted to start again. She blinked slowly a few times before shaking her head, she knew the answer to that one. She could tell by the look in her eyes.

As if on queue, the girl's face clouded her mind and she found a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She frowned quickly, glancing around the room to see if anyone caught her dopey smile for absolutely no reason. Most of the people in the class were either sleeping or engrossed in something completely non Spanish related. Her mind zoned out again, watching some greasy haired boy do a sudoku puzzle two rows in front of her. She tried to figure it out in her head before he did. Anything to stop her mind from going to war with her conflicting feelings.

She tore her eyes away from the laptop, but not before noticing he had made a mistake in row 5. She rolled her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself as if she were chilly. She wasn't. She just felt exposed. What had she done this morning when she went to visit Brittany? Santana swallowed heavily. She wasn't sure what she wanted, and she was so terrified of making the wrong choice.

This would impact her entire life. She felt nauseous just thinking about it and she gripped her arms tighter. She loved the way she felt around the blonde and she couldn't even describe how much she desired to just be in her presence, but as the clock slowly ticked forward, Santana had a hard time associating that with intimacy. Maybe she was just an amazing person and a really good friend. That could be it, right?

She swallowed roughly again before nodding her head slightly. She wasn't even positive she wanted to kiss just Brittany. There were plenty of guys around that she could date if she wanted. She furrowed her eyebrows as she contemplated whether she did indeed 'want' to. She shrugged to herself. Just because she wanted to kiss Brittany, didn't mean she wanted to be with her, she found herself thinking. It didn't mean her life had to change. She smirked again, feeling slightly less at war.

The bell rang loudly causing Mr. Schue to frantically write a homework assignment up on the board, misspelling it along the way. Santana rolled her eyes before throwing her backpack over her back and squeezing her ponytail closer to her scalp. Brittany flashed before her eyes again and she felt herself smiling. She glanced around again, someone was going to notice eventually if she didn't stop. Not that she really had control over it.

Santana made it through 4 more classes and a nauseating rendition of 'I Will Remember You' by Sarah Mclachlan, sung by the only person who would ever attempt it, Rachel Berry. Santana wasn't 100 percent sure, but she was nearly positive her rendition was about missing New York. Seriously.

Twisting her hips the latina stopped at her locker, quickly clicking through her combination before pulling out her last two books for the day. She was ready to go home. She needed to let her hair down and just relax without a mindful of big decisions. Maybe she could catch Jocelyn before she picked up Jilly and they could go grab icecream.

"Hey, San." Quinn's voice interrupted the latina's afternoon planning. She was immediately annoyed, which wasn't too unusual. Quinn didn't seem to notice.

"Quinn." Santana rolled her eyes before putting her backpack on. She closed her locker in annoyance.

"You doing anything before your next class? You have to do something for me! Please?" Quinn smiled brightly showing all her teeth.

"And what would that be, Q."

"Sam told me you'd never kiss another boy at this school, because you were too hooked up on him." Quinn rolled her eyes along with Santana.

"Please, I don't find mermen remotely attractive. Especially ones with bad dye jobs." Santana moved to start walking forward.

"Right, which is what I told him. In a nicer way of course."

"Of course." They continued walking down the hall.

"Which is when he told me he was so positive, that he'd lay out 50 bucks." Quinn stopped slowly, grabbing the latina's arm to turn her around. Santana folded her arms across her chest.

"Being the good friend you are, I'm sure you told him such bets were juvenile and completely revolting."

Quinn made a face, "Well..."

Santana rolled her eyes, "Or you took his bet." She paused to tilt her head to the side slightly, "Bitch." Quinn just rolled her eyes.

"Look, it's not like I am asking you to do something with a lot of effort. Just go kiss Puck or Artie so I can get 50 bucks. I saw these amazing shoes at Aldo." Quinn nearly squeeled the last part.

Santana made a fake vomiting noise, "Did you just suggest I kiss Artie?" Of all boys at this school, he wasn't on the top of her list. Not that she had a list or anything.

Since Quinn had brought this topic up, all she could think about was proving herself right. That she could infact, be happy kissing a boy. Her and Brittany could just be really close friends. She repeated the last part in her head over and over, ignoring the nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Please?" Quinn hobbled a little on her feet for emphasis. "For the shoooes."

Santana battled for a second with what to do. On one hand, she hated participating in such dumb bets even if Quinn did make off with a nice pair of pumps. But on the other hand she wanted to one- prove to Sam there was absolutely nothing there and two- prove to herself she could be intimate with anyone.

She tossed her arms from her chest and turned abruptly, "Fine Q. But I get to borrow the shoes."

Quinn jumped slightly before pulling Santana down the left hall and past all the jocks that turned to watch them walk by. Santana smiled flirtatiously.

Within seconds she had been pulled to a stop and was face to face with both Puck and Sam. Artie could have been there too but she didn't bother to look down.

"Told ya, she'd be up for it. Couldn't resist these lips." Puck gussied up towards the brunette.

"Vomit." Santana said sternly without any expression.

"Santana, you don't have to do this." Sam's expression was eager, obviously wanting to believe she actually wanted him.

Santana felt her feistiness slowly start to melt away and it was soon replaced by fear. She couldn't explain what she was feeling, but her palms began to sweat as she stood watching Quinn go on about her new pair of shoes. It was as if everything was in slow motion.

She told herself over and over that it was just a kiss, and in 5 seconds she would be on with her life. Smiling to herself awkwardly, making fun of Rachel's outfits and checking her phone to see if Brittany texted. Her blood ran cold. Brittany.

She felt a lump rise up the back of her throat and she tried desperately to force it down. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She brought her sweaty hand up and rubbed at her throat in hopes of releasing the feeling, but it continued. She couldn't even swallow.

Flashes flew before her eyes of Brittany on her front porch this morning wearing those cute pajamas. Of her backside flipped upside down on her hospital bed looking for that ridiculous stuffed orange monster. Of the smell of her room or her sheets. The smell of her. Her hair. Her eyes. Her lips. She felt a stab in her stomach as her body rushed with heat. She was positive her cheeks blushed for the first time in her life.

"Santana." Quinn's voice brought Santana into the conversation. She blinked slowly, not sure if she could speak.

"I- I uh." Santana tried to speak but all she could think of to say was Brittany's name. She forced her brain to work but she was coming up empty handed. She licked her lips slowly and swallowed hard before glancing into the eyes of Puck and Sam.

"Go on! We have to be in Mrs. Wiley's class in like 2 minutes." Quinn jostled, while holding out her hand in preparation for the 50 bucks.

Santana's heart rate quickened despite her constant reassurance that she could, in fact, do this. What was her problem? She watched as Puck took a step toward her and she fought the urge to take a step back. She glanced up into his eyes, noticing how dull and grey they seemed. Clouded almost. Brittany's eyes were always bursting with life, even when she was sick the passion shown through somehow. Santana missed those eyes. She missed Br-

"Go." Quinn pushed Santana forward and within seconds she was nearly flush against Puck's chest staring up at his figure getting closer. Her heart was hammering within her ribcage and she felt her skin start to crawl. What would Brittany think? Would she be upset? Santana cringed at the thought. She looked up at the lips that were inching closer to her and felt her stomach wish for different ones. Her mind began racing. She didn't want this. She didn't want this at all.

She wanted Brittany.

She wanted to kiss Brittany.

She struggled at the last second, pulling away before turning to run down the length of the hall, ignoring Quinn's shouting and Sam's victory dance. She shoved the door open with the tip of her foot before running down the stairs and across the football field to the parking lot. School wasn't even over but she didn't care.

She found her car in less than 30 seconds and was in it and pulling out of the parking lot in less than a minute. She couldn't even feel her heart beating anymore; it was beating that fast. She reached up, pulling her pony tail out to let her raven hair fall loosely around her shoulders. She took a quick left turn on Clay street before swiping a left two blocks up, weaving her way down the back roads. In record time she had the side of Brittany's porch coming into view. She swerved her car into the driveway, leaving all her belongings strewn about the passenger seat and her keys in the ignition. She leaped over the cobblestones and took the steps two at a time.

She licked her lips quickly before knocking heavily on the red glossed door.

Brittany's face suddenly emerged as she opened the door, looking shocked to see the latina standing before her.

"Santana? What are yo-"

She didn't have time to finish her question before the smaller girl had flung herself forward, arms immediately wrapping around her neck, plush lips crashing into her own. Santana gave it her all as she melted against Brittany. Her lips felt just as perfect as she had remembered. She moved her lips in perfect sync with Brittany, slowly parting them to kiss the girl deeper. She couldn't stop. She didn't want to. Ever.

Brittany parted her lips and let her tongue dip into the pool of Santana's mouth, flicking her tongue and gliding along her teeth. A throaty moan came from the back of the latina's throat and filled her own. She smiled slightly, her lips still moving. She had positioned her arms around the tiny waist and was gripping the girl so tightly she wondered if she would bruise.

Santana sucked on Brittany's bottom lip, once then twice. She recaptured her lips while letting her tongue slide across the length of the blondes, earning heavy pants from the taller girl. This felt right. Kissing Brittany felt like nothing she had ever experienced. She wanted to go back to that first night and tell herself to just kiss the shit out of her, that it was so worth it.

She slowed her pace, taking in every detail of every peck. She deepened the kiss once more, allowing her mouth to glide against Brittany's delicately. Her body tingled and her stomach tightened. She was on fire. She forced herself to pull away, her lips sticking to the blondes slightly.

Brittany didn't let go of the girl's waist, and Santana was thankful. She didn't trust her legs right now.

"What was that fo-" Brittany started but didn't get to finish because Santana had leaned up to recapture her lips. Santana let her tongue dance on Brittany's bottom lip before allowing it to explore the depths of her mouth. God she had dreamt about this for so long. It almost didn't feel real. She flicked her tongue against the blonde's upper lip before pulling away slowly, maintaining eye contact with those blue eyes she loved so much.

"I wanted to kiss you." Santana smiled sheepishly before glancing to Brittany's lips again. "I _only_ want to kiss you."

* * *

**(A/N) No worries- I have about another 8-10 chapters planned! Thank you so much for sticking with this story. As most of you know/have been able to tell, this story is really personal for me and I enjoy going off the norm with plotlines and expressing that with Brittany and Santana. Thanks again for your patience, love and reviews. Trust me- they mean the world. **

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**newvida. tumblr. com**


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